Tag Archives: starting over

Harvest Feast, Halloween, and Hanging out…

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I know I am petty bad about updating this thing, but really my blog its more for me than anyone else… If you choose to read it I do appreciate it, but really it is primarily a way for me to sort my thoughts out…

Since the breakup a lot has gone on, and yet not much at all… But life is starting to look up. I’ve been growing inside, which is great, I’ve seen a lot of good stuff happening around me… then again I guess there’s a lot of heart aches too.

I know the Jason is hurting and that kills me. I hate seeing a friend going through so much pain and knowing that it is my doing. but I have to be true to myself… and even Jason admits that he was trying to change me.

So Halloween went pretty well, I spent the weekend with Hengist, Mira, Thorolf, and Sabrina… It was really nice having us all together all weekend. On friday night we all went up to a Halloween party at a friend’s house in Bremerton. I ended up dressing as “Rosie the Rivitor”… Even loaned me an aluminum pipe wrench that totally made the costume… And I got to see a bunch of my friends that I haven’t seen in way too long. It was really a blessing.

Saturday we all went to another party in Seattle… And there I got to see a bunch more of my SCA friends that I haven’t seen in months or in a couple of cases a few years (along side the usual suspects of course)… This time I borrowed one of Mira’s costumes and so I was an “anarchy cheerleader.” Yet again we all got goofy and had a great time…

Strangely enough, Sunday everything was pretty tame… Mira had a belly dancing show scheduled at Karma in Puyallup, and Sabrina headed back home to Yakima. So Hengist, Mira, Thorolf and I went to the show where we saw Dana also… But the venue was putty barren so we just ate a nice indian food dinner… (lamb vindaloo – yum!) Mira want feeling too hot anyways, so it was probably good that she didn’t dance.

On monday, I woke up sicker than snot with a fever… And I have spent the whole week in bed recovering… It’s a brutal bug this year, almost everyone we saw this weekend caught some variation of it (lucky butts Sabrina and Thorolf exempt)…

I was capable of functioning about midday friday which is good because I discovered a horrible lump on Moses’s torso… so by the generous grace of Sven and Anne, we took Mo to the vet. The very want quite sure what was going on, but after he took some fluid from the limp he saw it was infected so mo got a shot of strong antibiotics which have been helping immensely…

Moses is still having thyroid troubles,  so we adjusted his meds a bit, hopefully that helps with his neurological problems, but he is ever too skinny… He only weighed in at 9.1 lbs when he should be somewhere around 16 lbs…. So somehow we have to get him eating enough food to start putting on the weight. Wish him luck, he needs it.

Saturday was harvest feast… Which was okay, but Hengist and Mira didn’t go because they couldn’t eat anything on the menu (stupid gluten), and Sven didn’t go because he was a groomsman in a wedding. Feasts are so bunch more fun with them there…

After harvest feast Thorolf and I went to an after party which was pretty tame (that was preferable though) and later we went to see my friends the Hard Money Saints, and James Hunnicutt play at a bar just past the Roy Y. It was great seeing James, Jack, Mondo and Nick after so long… Kinda weird wearing my viking garb to the trail end of a rockabilly show, but all was good. Lastly we hit up Walmart to pick up some last-minute toys for tots donations then home…

I think I did way too much because I’m feeling pretty icky again (or still) but it has been great seeing all my friends I have been missing. Kills like I may have some photocopy gigs coming up possibly too to help concert my gas bill a bit better… Which is a relief… But a real job is priority…

Also congrats go to my cousin who had her baby… He is a cutie-pie although I have never met him because I have been sick… And I have a phone interview on the 12th.. So wish me luck with that… I have been out of work so long… I’m stir crazy…

I feel like I’m figuring myself out which is exactly what I need to do… Still waiting on my final “no”from the military, and if that happens I will look into counseling to help sort me out memtally a bit more… I think it could be of great value…

I’ll try to keep this a bit more updated… It’s good for me to write out my thoughts, and if you care to read my ramblings, great! If not, oh well… like I said this is mostly for me!

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Now that it’s over…

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So a lot has happened lately, but the most has happened in the last week. Primarily, Jason and I broke up. While yes, we did have a relatively happy and healthy relationship, we also had some issues. (Besides if anything “relatively happy” isn’t enough – thanks for teaching me that daddy, miss you) Jason is an amazing man, and I really wish that it could have worked out for us, but at the core we had irreconcilable differences… At least we both were able to recognize this before we got married then ended up divorced.

But I have known this and been fighting it for some time… Deep down I already accepted our demise long before it came to this inevitable end. So now I wonder what exactly is going to happen, and what should I do…

With all the goals that I have set for myself, I can’t sit here in morn too long. I want to be a mother more than anything, and I just can’t wait forever to make that happen. But I also want to do it the right way, I getting married first and such. So really what I’m asking myself I guess, is if something that seems that might work comes along should I jump on it? or should I just sit here feel sorry for myself? The problem in that is that feeling sorry for myself just doesn’t seem right. But I don’t want to hurt Jason by it either.

I can’t really put words how bad I feel for Jason. He really did make me happy but pieces of me where missing in our relationship. I tried to hold on as long as I could, but without any major changes the inevitable was bound to happen. I tried to let his stuff grow on me and I tried to give up some of my things that he didn’t want, but I just couldn’t change and it didn’t work.

In the end I like who I am and I like who he is, but when the fairytale honeymoon was over, we just are not right for each other. I hope he can realize this in I hope we can stay friends, but if not I guess that is just how it has to be.

I’m grateful for the time we had, I’m sorry it had to end, but somewhere out there is someone special just for me. Just like there is someone special out there just for him.

The Wonders Never Cease…

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So I finally got another job… and this one doesn’t seem too shady or anything which is a relief… It seems like all here is out there are shady schemes or scams someone is trying to pull on some poor unsuspecting person who is completely desperate for a job. It’s sad to see how much evil that there is out there in our world today.

It seems so often that people use our world’s sad condition as a sign that the end times are coming… but I don’t know about that… I just don’t see the signs equaling what others try to denote them as. I guess I’m just blessed with an over-abundance of hope versus the average person. Where so many people see inevitable doom I am fortunately able to see hope and room for growth and improvement.

I will admit that I cannot always see things so happy and great… I am also burdened with a low self esteem, and a tendency to also see a hopeless future referring to my self. But, I blame my upbringing. I was raised in a house where everyone is mentally ill. I am half convinced that my family is cursed. From time to time I have fought some fierce battles inside myself desperate to hold on to what shreds of sanity remain, and I can say that I am foru fortunate enough to claim a general success.

Things are starting to look up for me. I’ve been fighting a lengthy and tiring spiritual battle for the last few months. I’d forgotten that once you grab on to a faith that is genuine that’s when the real demons come out to test you and make you let go. It hasn’t been easy; but I have been determined to hold on. The service last week on mothers day spoke to me in a much needed way… which is great. That little bit that spoke to me extra special seemed to be the thing that broke me loose from those bonds that those demons had a hold of me and allowed me to come out of my hole again. the funny thing is, I can’t tell you exactly what it was that did it though; just that it happened.

Sure my problems are still problems; but suddenly they are so much easier to deal with. Money is still an issue; and it will probably continue to be for some time. However, whatever it was that was holding me back from fully opening myself to God (which seems silly I know, given the whole he knows everything) no longer has that hold on me… I’ve been able to write in my prayer journal again and while my entries may be short, they are consistent.

I’ve been able to ask god to show me his will, and to mean it… I believe there is a significant difference there… and by doing so I have been blessed. I asked God to help me find a job that he wants me to have, and within days I have a decent job offer. I see the blessings beginning to abound in my life again. So this is good.

I can only hope that God also blesses you in the many ways he has blessed me as well. It’s amazing how the wonders never cease.

And Now for Something Completely Different…

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Okay well maybe not completely different, probably just more of the same really. My life is changing more and more… it’s just crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am in this endless cycle that just repeats itself over and over again only with different names, places, and faces. yet now this time it’s a lot of the same names and faces… but all in different contexts…

So, I guess I will start on the religious front. I have been growing and growing in the lord which is awesome, but I guess that  couldn’t last too long without a struggle… so here it is; Spiritual warfare, and it sucks. My whole world has been falling down around me and my health is failing alongside it all.  Jason has been doing everything he can to try to help keep me afloat and growing — and his efforts have made a significant difference. I feel bad though because I know he wants to be my hero and fix it all and unfortunately he can’t. I am so afraid that I will drag him down with me. He keeps telling me its okay, but I know it affects him which worries me… I hate to see him hurting and I hate being a burden as well.

This is not my first bout of spiritual warfare since I accepted Christ back into my heart, I had a huge bout of it while I was in STC (Special Training Company) at Boot Camp. My SDI (Senior Drill instructor) and Chaplain helped me though it which was awesome… they kept me out of MHU (Mental Health Unit) for the duration of my stay there, a lot of my problems was indeed my health back then as well. Truth is I haven’t been 100% since before boot camp.I wasn’t healing and then I started having nightmares… HORRIBLE nightmares… The most vivid was the one that liked to repeat itself regularly…

WARNING: The following paragraph is very graphic skip to the next paragraph if you cannot handle gory creepy evil stuff…

In my nightmares I would dream of this post apocalyptic world where demon-zombie entities terrorized those of us who were left… It was more vivid than any horror movie has ever been and probably ever will be. They would attack innocent people and commit the worst atrocities. the most vivid image that still terrorizes me from time to time was when I witnessed (in my dream of course) one of these evil entities ripping a woman’s unborn child from her womb and devouring in front of her before consuming her piece by piece as well… It was stuff like that constantly terrorized my dreams…

So my SDI allowed me and a select few other girls who had a strong grasp on our Marine Corps “knowledge” (aka all the textbook type stuff they teach you at boot camp i/e history, customs, specs, etc.) to read novels during our study times in order to keep us motivated (and in my case sane)… It helped immensely. My Chaplain gave me various verses to reference and helped distract me with a small bible collection in my footlocker of all the free versions he was given to distribute to recruits… along with a number of tracts and whatnot…  It’s amazing how those simple small things got me though it all.

But now this is different, I am in the real world not sheltered from society and protected like I was at Recruit training… now I have to worry about money, rent, and food. Now I have a dog that depends on me. Moses Helps me through it all now… When I have my night terrors (although the dreams tend to be flashbacks of my father’s suicide and/or alternate realities where I am tormented by my family and my memories, and my current life situations… Very much like the trippy dreams in the movie Shutter Island.

The dreams aren’t the only thing attacking me either. I am battling a waking depression that has slowly seeped in and took a hold of me while I was on a business trip to Yakima last week and tried to get me on Sunday while I was at church. It was so bad in fact that I just sat down when I was helping Jason set up for Sunday School and zoned out… Church helped in the end, Rex (our pastor) gave a great sermon that used the example of a Simpsons episode and how it is important to lead by example and to be missionaries… Living the Christian lifestyle… It lightened the load very much, however, I still feel this ever-tightening noose… And it’s everything for me to not crack at times.

But I do know this, I will get though it. God will prevail as he always does. And most importantly I know that God is in fact on my side…

And now for something kind of related but still completely different…

In reference to my failing health; It’s a bleeping mystery. I’ve had this rash that started when I was sick back in January and it has just been getting exponentially worse as I go along. While I was in Yakima I started getting sicker with my stomach problem (which is still not ‘cured’ and now I am unable to afford my prescription for Protonix — a 30 day supply for the GENERIC is over $120!) and my rash spread ever further and now I have a new symptom, some of the spots actually hurt under the skin… like one of my ribs will get sharp pains and feel like it has cracked or it will have a dull ache for hours at a time without anything even touching it…

So I went to St. Joe’s ER last night and had them look at it all.. They weren’t at all concerned about my generally feeling ill and nauseous so much as the rash that covers my body from toe to scalp. Truth is they had no clue as to what to diagnose me as… So they concluded that it was “dermatitis” (which is a fancy word for “rash”) and sent me home with a few prescriptions for anti inflammitories and benedryl for itching… I am also to see a dermatologist ASAP so I have an Appointment for Thursday… Hopefully they will be able to figure it all out then… I pray it is not too serious.

I also need to quit my job. When they hired me they told me it was a M-F 9-6 job that also required 2 Saturdays a month… However in reality I am driving a shit ton and my car is taking a beating for it, I am not getting paid even remotely adequate for gas, and I am working 10-12 hours for only 8 hours a day. I cannot do this and I cannot find another Job while doing this, so I have to quit… I mean this job has me literally losing my hair!!!!

So yeah, as it stands I am looking at unemployment in the eye, I need to find a new place for me and Moses to live, (although that is somewhat handled… ) and I still don’t know what is wrong with me… on the plus side? I have Jason, and I love him, and he loves me and takes such good care of me… He’s a real source of strength and wonder for me… it’s amazing!

God’s Stepping in…

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So life’s gone a bit nutty lately and everything has changed, while it’s not all necessarily good per se, I feel like it is.

First off God’s really opened my eyes again which is glorious and so my faith is growing again by leaps and bounds; I can’t say I can take credit for this all, but Jason (my new boyfriend – more on that later) has really helped me a lot.
He has me reading “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller… This book is great! It’s all about Christian spirituality without being too preachy and is not afraid to talk about what’s wrong with the church along side what is right… it covers a lot of issues that I have which is nice because I have something I can share an affinity with.
I also went to Jason’s church (which is up in Kirkland) and I swear I just knew this place is what is right for me… it was great. The pastor is actually one of the old youth pastors from Life Center from back in the days when I was doing impact and he speaks awesome… Sitting in sermon was a new experience for me… I was so thirsty that I was sitting on the edge of my seat, it was awesome.
I really feel like god is working with my life to rearrange and fix it into what he wants it to be, so I am just trying to submit to his will. I lost my job; but that is okay really I was lucky enough to have a little money left from my tax return so hopefully I will be able to make it okay until I get a new one. I know there’s got to be something else out there for me that is better…
As for Jason, we have known each other for about 14 years, as he was one of my brother’s friends back in the day. However we’ve been pretty close friends for the last 8 years. Even when I was living in California we were in a reasonable amount of contact… the funny thing is it never really dawned on us that we should be an item…
We planned a pub crawl as we were pretty much the last single ones standing a couple weeks ago and in planning that we got to talking a lot about what our hopes and dreams are in life, you know the deep rooted ones like me wanting to be able to be a stay at home mother with my children and build guitars in my own wood shop… He has his dreams too and it’s amazing how spot on we are with each others hopes dreams and goals in life. I guess that is probably what sparked it… but when the pub crawl came around, magic happened. after that weekend we waited a couple days hardly able to stop talking to each other…
We sat down to Coffee and asked ourselves what is going on and determined that we’re going to go for it. We are being smart about things and set down the ground rules, like my SCA and viking stuff and his business. I really believe in him and he believes in me. I feel like god has put us together and is blessing us.
The weird thing is because we’ve been close friends for so long, it’s like we’re skipping that whole getting to know you stage of the relationship… I mean it’s not like we’re engaged, but it’s something we talk about possibly happening someday once we’ve met some of our current goals. It’s so nice though, he’s amazing.
But what happened with Spyder you ask? Well, he pretty much cut contact to me and so I had to just snip those heartstrings out. I know I said I love him, and I always have as a friend… as I do allow myself to love freely, but perhaps I let myself get too caught up in the moment? I still care for him, I just had to admit defeat and call him a good friend… it’s funny – once I did that God puts Jason right there…. and Jason is a much better match for me anyways. And I am working to not say things too early this time…

Here’s a quickie…

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So here’s a quick update (As I need to get all of my homework finished by Autumn War… Summer Quarter is almost over.. I am hoping I make honor roll for the first time since high school. (I did get my diploma with “High Honors” Just so you know…) I don’t know if I Will be able to pull A’s out of all three of my classes, but I should be able to pull them out of my Math and Computers Classes hopefully… At least it is a start right???

Other than that my life has been centered around work and homework… no time even for another date with Allen… but then again it’s not like we are really a couple anyways… So yeah… That’s where it stands so far…

I have been taking the time to start reading for personal enjoyment again as well… I borrowed a great book from the public library called “What Southern Women Know (That Every Woman Should)” it’s really got some great advice for putting on the “Southern charm” I am hoping to soften my hard edges some and become more ladylike… and this one’s a good reference point… I know that when I was in all the fancy rich hospitals and medical centers throughout the southwest while I was at boot there was a definite charm to the women there that I could really take to. Everyone was so nice; even if they were only meeting me for a second… I guess that is just a little piece of that southern hospitality…

Well, I am going to let you go, Keep checking back for more!!!

P.S. To those concerned Moses is well. I got him a 3 foot long “bully” stick and he’d been happy as a clam gnawing away at that when he is not licking my feet…

update…

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So I don’t work at Jenny Craig any more… and also have moved back down to Tacoma again… there’s plenty more to update but I am tired after Viking fest… but I do still love John Very Very much…. such is my curse…. Like I said to him at Viking fest — and It rings true both ways… It was never for a lack of love why I ran away… everything just could not seem to mesh….

Happy New Year…

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So New years has come again…. and of course I have not updated my blog in quite some time… it’s not that I don’t think of it; it’s just that I get distracted too easily…

Working at Jenny is going okay although I was hoping to be promoted again by now… I live in Marysville now with my neurotic dachshund named Moses… (I doubt I would have named him that… but honestly another name hasn’t crossed my mind… he seems to recognize his name any ways… but then again he an answers to ‘tard, pain-in-the-ass, and many more much more vulgar names that I really shouldn’t call a dog that was rescued from abuse…

I’m trying to train him as well… it’s gonna be long and hard… I am thinking that I will start him in obedience school when I get the chance… I can tell he wants to be a good dog… he just doesn’t know how in all situations… So long as I am around he is generally behaved…

As for resolutions and whatnot, I have a few…

First; I want to get fit again… better than last year…. I want to be able to pass a PFT by the end of the year… in that case if I go for the military again I can do it… According to my old recruiters I just need a few waivers and to be more fit to show some initiative and prevent repeat injuries. I do want to go… but I don;Ft know if I can give up my family/friends here long enough to do it… and now I have a dog to worry about too…

Along those same lines I want to start doing Yoga… SDI SSgt. Mosqueda was so passionate about it and how good it is for you that I’m gonna believe her. She taught me so much… about the world and myself… If only I could have just listened to her and trusted her… everything she told us was right… I wasn’t in any damn special circumstances… I should have known that… I mean sure my injuries cause some special circumstances… but not anything else beyond that. I’ve sent her letters to thank her… but who knows if she got them. She changed my life.

And more on with the body…. I want to get back down to 120 or less… I need to do something because I really let myself go in CA… I was so depressed… I just don’t know how I let him control my life for that long…

I’m also working on my knitting more… I got this knitting book called ‘Domiknitrix’ and it basically inspired me to get more serious about it and fix all my errors as they go… I can honestly say that it’s good… my knitting is steadily improving and I am very happy for it…

John (aka “Atli”) and I are still seeing each other… It’s kinda nice being in the same region for the most part now… because it takes less planning to get together… he’s still quiet as hell but I guess he will always be that way… There is just something about him and the way he is that makes certain seemingly small moments monumental… a long phone call while I was browsing in a craft store… resting his head on my shoulder for just a moment, when he has a toothy smile (not often enough) just sitting quietly together… not saying anything… and Swedish pancakes… always! lol

Life isn’t so bad… but I did see some interesting stuff on the freeway today… Boulders that had fallen onto the road that were bigger than I am tall… it was crazy… they just flattened the guard rail… I have never seen anything like it… and to see from where they fell so high up… I mean wow… Nature is one mighty force… and the flooding in Arlington is all the way to I-5… I’ve only seen it on TV and stuff… seeing it in real life less then 10 feet away and rising up and coming after you in something else….kinda scary…. I can say I have new respect for floods… they are something that scares me.

Back at Jenny Craig again….

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So I haven’t been updating line I should have been lately….

That job I started was deplorable; they broke every labor law I can think of… so I left after the first day… Screw them.. I have too much self-respect for that…. (it’s a long story but I am over it already)

As soon as I notified the company that it wasn’t going to work out I go t calls for two interviews… (Seriously within two hours) One was a casual meet and greet thing up in Lynnwood, WA for Jenny Craig and the other was for Comcast in Puyallup… Still haven’t heard about the Comcast Job; and it is technically a better job; but we’ll see if that pulls through.

I did get hired back on with Jenny Craig however… so no I am not unemployed… which is wonderful… because I am sick of being a bum… so that works out for me quite well…

I finished that green blanket I was knitting for Roberta.. it is not a nice as I would have liked but I would have liked it to be a little better… oh well, next time… it is still nice… now I have started a scarf for Atli… I am happy about that.. and I finally have a Ravelry account… so I can post my projects on there which is awesome…

Roberta- We still need to meet up for coffee sometime.. but I am working out of Lynnwood so we will have to figure something out that works with both of our schedules… My Boss said that I should have most Fridays off… so maybe then??? I miss you!

Going to Lynnwood tomorrow…

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So I have an assessment up in Lynnwood for a job tomorrow at 2pm… It’s with comcast so it is a good job and it would be nice to get on with them you know? Problem is because I am testing on Snohomish county they will most likely put me up there which means I am going to have to find somewhere to go in that instance… I had a good job down in California that I couldn’t find a transfer for so that is all too unfortunate… But hopefully this Comcast thing will work out because I am sick of the bullshit retail hell that I was trapped in before….

Went by mom’s today an. Helped them out a little with their technology stuff… Steve got himself a toy that mom had been telling me she wanted which means that Steve is going to be on the doghouse when she finds out… Fortunately he put it away while I was there so that there wasn’t a scene…

My little sister (who I am convinced is the only person who reads this) still hasn’t found the time to see me… I know she is busy busy busy… But I miss her and I have presents for her and my future niece or nephew (the baby blanket I crocheted in California) yes… This is a bribe to get some hot chocolate or something together sometime….

Other than that no news really just wish me luck on that thing tomorrow!!!