Tag Archives: sick

Harvest Feast, Halloween, and Hanging out…

Standard

I know I am petty bad about updating this thing, but really my blog its more for me than anyone else… If you choose to read it I do appreciate it, but really it is primarily a way for me to sort my thoughts out…

Since the breakup a lot has gone on, and yet not much at all… But life is starting to look up. I’ve been growing inside, which is great, I’ve seen a lot of good stuff happening around me… then again I guess there’s a lot of heart aches too.

I know the Jason is hurting and that kills me. I hate seeing a friend going through so much pain and knowing that it is my doing. but I have to be true to myself… and even Jason admits that he was trying to change me.

So Halloween went pretty well, I spent the weekend with Hengist, Mira, Thorolf, and Sabrina… It was really nice having us all together all weekend. On friday night we all went up to a Halloween party at a friend’s house in Bremerton. I ended up dressing as “Rosie the Rivitor”… Even loaned me an aluminum pipe wrench that totally made the costume… And I got to see a bunch of my friends that I haven’t seen in way too long. It was really a blessing.

Saturday we all went to another party in Seattle… And there I got to see a bunch more of my SCA friends that I haven’t seen in months or in a couple of cases a few years (along side the usual suspects of course)… This time I borrowed one of Mira’s costumes and so I was an “anarchy cheerleader.” Yet again we all got goofy and had a great time…

Strangely enough, Sunday everything was pretty tame… Mira had a belly dancing show scheduled at Karma in Puyallup, and Sabrina headed back home to Yakima. So Hengist, Mira, Thorolf and I went to the show where we saw Dana also… But the venue was putty barren so we just ate a nice indian food dinner… (lamb vindaloo – yum!) Mira want feeling too hot anyways, so it was probably good that she didn’t dance.

On monday, I woke up sicker than snot with a fever… And I have spent the whole week in bed recovering… It’s a brutal bug this year, almost everyone we saw this weekend caught some variation of it (lucky butts Sabrina and Thorolf exempt)…

I was capable of functioning about midday friday which is good because I discovered a horrible lump on Moses’s torso… so by the generous grace of Sven and Anne, we took Mo to the vet. The very want quite sure what was going on, but after he took some fluid from the limp he saw it was infected so mo got a shot of strong antibiotics which have been helping immensely…

Moses is still having thyroid troubles,  so we adjusted his meds a bit, hopefully that helps with his neurological problems, but he is ever too skinny… He only weighed in at 9.1 lbs when he should be somewhere around 16 lbs…. So somehow we have to get him eating enough food to start putting on the weight. Wish him luck, he needs it.

Saturday was harvest feast… Which was okay, but Hengist and Mira didn’t go because they couldn’t eat anything on the menu (stupid gluten), and Sven didn’t go because he was a groomsman in a wedding. Feasts are so bunch more fun with them there…

After harvest feast Thorolf and I went to an after party which was pretty tame (that was preferable though) and later we went to see my friends the Hard Money Saints, and James Hunnicutt play at a bar just past the Roy Y. It was great seeing James, Jack, Mondo and Nick after so long… Kinda weird wearing my viking garb to the trail end of a rockabilly show, but all was good. Lastly we hit up Walmart to pick up some last-minute toys for tots donations then home…

I think I did way too much because I’m feeling pretty icky again (or still) but it has been great seeing all my friends I have been missing. Kills like I may have some photocopy gigs coming up possibly too to help concert my gas bill a bit better… Which is a relief… But a real job is priority…

Also congrats go to my cousin who had her baby… He is a cutie-pie although I have never met him because I have been sick… And I have a phone interview on the 12th.. So wish me luck with that… I have been out of work so long… I’m stir crazy…

I feel like I’m figuring myself out which is exactly what I need to do… Still waiting on my final “no”from the military, and if that happens I will look into counseling to help sort me out memtally a bit more… I think it could be of great value…

I’ll try to keep this a bit more updated… It’s good for me to write out my thoughts, and if you care to read my ramblings, great! If not, oh well… like I said this is mostly for me!

Advertisements

And Now for Something Completely Different…

Standard

Okay well maybe not completely different, probably just more of the same really. My life is changing more and more… it’s just crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am in this endless cycle that just repeats itself over and over again only with different names, places, and faces. yet now this time it’s a lot of the same names and faces… but all in different contexts…

So, I guess I will start on the religious front. I have been growing and growing in the lord which is awesome, but I guess that  couldn’t last too long without a struggle… so here it is; Spiritual warfare, and it sucks. My whole world has been falling down around me and my health is failing alongside it all.  Jason has been doing everything he can to try to help keep me afloat and growing — and his efforts have made a significant difference. I feel bad though because I know he wants to be my hero and fix it all and unfortunately he can’t. I am so afraid that I will drag him down with me. He keeps telling me its okay, but I know it affects him which worries me… I hate to see him hurting and I hate being a burden as well.

This is not my first bout of spiritual warfare since I accepted Christ back into my heart, I had a huge bout of it while I was in STC (Special Training Company) at Boot Camp. My SDI (Senior Drill instructor) and Chaplain helped me though it which was awesome… they kept me out of MHU (Mental Health Unit) for the duration of my stay there, a lot of my problems was indeed my health back then as well. Truth is I haven’t been 100% since before boot camp.I wasn’t healing and then I started having nightmares… HORRIBLE nightmares… The most vivid was the one that liked to repeat itself regularly…

WARNING: The following paragraph is very graphic skip to the next paragraph if you cannot handle gory creepy evil stuff…

In my nightmares I would dream of this post apocalyptic world where demon-zombie entities terrorized those of us who were left… It was more vivid than any horror movie has ever been and probably ever will be. They would attack innocent people and commit the worst atrocities. the most vivid image that still terrorizes me from time to time was when I witnessed (in my dream of course) one of these evil entities ripping a woman’s unborn child from her womb and devouring in front of her before consuming her piece by piece as well… It was stuff like that constantly terrorized my dreams…

So my SDI allowed me and a select few other girls who had a strong grasp on our Marine Corps “knowledge” (aka all the textbook type stuff they teach you at boot camp i/e history, customs, specs, etc.) to read novels during our study times in order to keep us motivated (and in my case sane)… It helped immensely. My Chaplain gave me various verses to reference and helped distract me with a small bible collection in my footlocker of all the free versions he was given to distribute to recruits… along with a number of tracts and whatnot…  It’s amazing how those simple small things got me though it all.

But now this is different, I am in the real world not sheltered from society and protected like I was at Recruit training… now I have to worry about money, rent, and food. Now I have a dog that depends on me. Moses Helps me through it all now… When I have my night terrors (although the dreams tend to be flashbacks of my father’s suicide and/or alternate realities where I am tormented by my family and my memories, and my current life situations… Very much like the trippy dreams in the movie Shutter Island.

The dreams aren’t the only thing attacking me either. I am battling a waking depression that has slowly seeped in and took a hold of me while I was on a business trip to Yakima last week and tried to get me on Sunday while I was at church. It was so bad in fact that I just sat down when I was helping Jason set up for Sunday School and zoned out… Church helped in the end, Rex (our pastor) gave a great sermon that used the example of a Simpsons episode and how it is important to lead by example and to be missionaries… Living the Christian lifestyle… It lightened the load very much, however, I still feel this ever-tightening noose… And it’s everything for me to not crack at times.

But I do know this, I will get though it. God will prevail as he always does. And most importantly I know that God is in fact on my side…

And now for something kind of related but still completely different…

In reference to my failing health; It’s a bleeping mystery. I’ve had this rash that started when I was sick back in January and it has just been getting exponentially worse as I go along. While I was in Yakima I started getting sicker with my stomach problem (which is still not ‘cured’ and now I am unable to afford my prescription for Protonix — a 30 day supply for the GENERIC is over $120!) and my rash spread ever further and now I have a new symptom, some of the spots actually hurt under the skin… like one of my ribs will get sharp pains and feel like it has cracked or it will have a dull ache for hours at a time without anything even touching it…

So I went to St. Joe’s ER last night and had them look at it all.. They weren’t at all concerned about my generally feeling ill and nauseous so much as the rash that covers my body from toe to scalp. Truth is they had no clue as to what to diagnose me as… So they concluded that it was “dermatitis” (which is a fancy word for “rash”) and sent me home with a few prescriptions for anti inflammitories and benedryl for itching… I am also to see a dermatologist ASAP so I have an Appointment for Thursday… Hopefully they will be able to figure it all out then… I pray it is not too serious.

I also need to quit my job. When they hired me they told me it was a M-F 9-6 job that also required 2 Saturdays a month… However in reality I am driving a shit ton and my car is taking a beating for it, I am not getting paid even remotely adequate for gas, and I am working 10-12 hours for only 8 hours a day. I cannot do this and I cannot find another Job while doing this, so I have to quit… I mean this job has me literally losing my hair!!!!

So yeah, as it stands I am looking at unemployment in the eye, I need to find a new place for me and Moses to live, (although that is somewhat handled… ) and I still don’t know what is wrong with me… on the plus side? I have Jason, and I love him, and he loves me and takes such good care of me… He’s a real source of strength and wonder for me… it’s amazing!

I really need to learn to update this thing semi-regularly….

Standard

So 2010 has already proven to be a somewhat exciting year for me… kind of… but not neccesarily in a good sort of way… So I will start from the beginning…

New Years Eve went over pretty well; my friend Nick came home from Iraq a few days before and had the great taste of turning 21 on Dec 31… So we went to the Grand opening of the new Hell’s Kitchen Down in Downtown Tacoma and saw a number of my friend’s bands including the Atomic Outlaws and The Jet City Fix.
The new venue for Hells Kitchen is alright I guess; but honestly I have so many good memories at the old place; It’s sad it moved… and the acoustics in the new building give me a bit of a headache… (Giant “L” shaped room) although It is nice that there are two bars now… although there really isn’t any space for the lines to go. The show however was pretty good with the exception of a few of the groupies for the Fix… they were a bit pushy to the point that the heel on my new boots broke and I got a few healthy bruises too.. Oh well; those wounds have healed (excepting my boots; I still have to find some place i can get them repaired…).
Unfortunately, after New Years, I got REALLY REALLY sick… Sick to the point that I was bedridden for 2 weeks and in and out of the doctor’s office every 2-3 days. They still haven’t fully figured out what it was; but it’s healing up okay now. There was a strong suspicion of an ulcer due to the fact that I had some internal bleeding in my stomach. However, when I went to the specialist I was already feeling mostly better (finally!) and she said that there was a good chance that is was gastritis… which just means that I have to be good to myself and let it heal…
As for my trying to reenlist in the military; I talked to the recruiters and they said that the MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) doctor said we were missing some papers in my med-read file – namely my separation paperwork and my recent ophthalmological (eye) exam. This doctor is the same slimy doctor that I had to deal with the last time that I enlisted and he tried pulling some really shady shit then too; so keeping my patience is trying… Fortunately my recruiters are pretty cool and they’re resending the same papers again so that he can get the stick out of his ass… So hopefully we will hear something soon about that…
On the heart front I still love Spyder mercilessly…. I wish I could afford to fly down and visit him for just a few days even, or have him come home like I know he really wants to for a little R&R… Just to finally be able to see him hold him and kiss him would mean sooo much to me; but I have to be patient I know.. it just seems that at this rate his enlistment will be over by the time that I am finally going to be able to see him… So I remind myself as I do countless times a day:

“Love is patient, Love is kind.. Love never ends…”

I’ll live…. It’s just the constant waiting that has claimed my life for the time being…. I know I will live; but it just doesn’t seem to get any easier…

Twilight and other random crap

Standard

So I figure i should probably update this again…. the economy’s hitting way too close to home… Life hasn’t been this hard to live in years… I question my ability to make it on my own without a close partner in it anymore… and even then I imagine it being hard as hell still… Been sick a lot lately and can’t afford the meds to absolve some of the symptoms (like my sinus headaches) so I feel like am am losing a long held battle… but then again I have a real crappy immune system so that should probably account for something right???

So my job is on the line… If I so much as take a sick day it is all over… I am so stressed out… but my bosses are compassionate women… if they see me really sick and suffering I cannot imagine them keeping me there unnecessarily so I guess I should not stress it too much… life is just so darn crazy and frustrating right now…

I just finished reading the Twilight series and found it to be rather good… I noticed that the books developed and evolved very much the way that life does… maiden, mother, and crone or something like that… and it was comforting to be able to disappear into another world for a while… especially with mine getting so nutty as of late. I still find it funny how people have pilgrimages to Forks… that little nothing town… the books said it like it was a miserable wet place on the Olympic Peninsula… yet somehow people want to go see this little town… I remember the girls in California all excited to go… and when I told them that it was dirt and trees they laughed at me saying that it was nothing like that…. the book said practically the same thing! silly nut-jobs… you fell in love with the vampires and whatnot… i have some bad news for you — no Vampires… it was just a wonderful tale woven within the author’s imagination…

But getting back to reading again did kind of bring something out of me that I have not considered in years… My writing… I have always wanted to be a writer of sorts… but life got in the way and I got out of practice… I am thinking that maybe I should start writing some more… get back into the swing of things and see how it goes… maybe start with a few short stories and see what happens from there…

Maybe I will post some of that stuff up here… maybe not… who knows…

As for my idiot dog… he’s adjusting to this house quite well although he does drive me batty from time to time… I cannot go anywhere without him which has put a damper on my social life… Anne suggested we put him on some people meds for OCD in doggie doses… maybe that is what the little psycho needs… but as it stands I can hardly afford to feed him and I so that may still be a ways off… oh well — I need to focus on work as it stands anyways…

idk… maybe I will get to that writing now… see what happens….

Sick. . .

Standard

So I haven’t really updated since Easter… but then again it’s not like I am running a professional operation by any sort of means here… But I like looking back on all of this for myself…

Currently I am sick with a nasty cough… it’s kinda funny because my friend Billy has it too but we haven’t really seen each other since he got it (before me) would this be some sort of new strain of computer virus??? I do spend too much time on here as it is… so it halfway wouldn’t be a surprise…

I originally thought me getting sick was a recent development of inhaling too much dust at work… but yesterday I quite suddenly got feverish and the coughing got out of hand… really… It’s been going on for a few days now and my chest hurts because of it…

coughing isn’t my only health worry right now either… I’m quite terrified of my blood sugar problems acting up again… I’m finding it practically close to impossible to control… which terrifies me. So out of my terror (Nice motivator) I looked up symptoms for things like Diabetes… it’s quite nerve racking… symptoms such as frequent urination, excessive thirst, increased hunger, fatigue, weight loss/gain, blurred vision and sores that do not heal are all common diabetic symptoms and at the same time they are all things that have been happening to me… Needless to day I am going to the doctor as soon as I get my insurance from Warmoth (assuming that they re keeping me)

Well as I am sick I need sleep… so I will see to that now… Goodnight…