Tag Archives: relationships

Trading the fiddle for the drum.

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So I’m staying down at Sven and Anne’s this weekend doing a photo shoot for the series I am working on… And in all of it — in all my recent miseries and sadness and mourning for the marriage I thought I would have but never received — the heartache and abandonment and frustration at a life promised but never given… In all my aching discontent and the compounding of a lifetime of regrets… In all the sadness heart break and absolutely shattered dreams… I’ve contented myself with the empty promises made to me before by my now husband… Thinking the time was nigh and that it was only right… Driven by dogmas I never fully believed and realizing that I was blinded by a fantasy we all maintain about him and who he is… Even his parents are split now from the very same lies and deceit that has plagued our relationship in its entirety and his relationships before ours.

But today, sweet today when it hit me that I finally am following through on one of my earliest childhood dreams — working on a genuine film project… And The Lord shall provide… Now I am free from so many of the demons who have plagued me in all these years – strike that, my whole life. Old curses I must battle with for my whole life… regardless of them being my sins or not.

Today I took a free second sitting for a breath after an exhausting but fulfilling and absolutely fun day and I saw that old sparkle I had In my soul; the girl who built guitars for a living, the apprentice to the master blade smith who turned down working on Lord of the Rings… The confident passionate twig of a girl in the blue herringbone dress…. That spark I see it it’s back when I thought it faded so long ago.

I dread returning to my current life. I feel the fool and the sucker for falling for it all twice. How long have I been consumed by not having an escape plan with the drawdown… consumed by people telling me my aches and pains were punishments for my failures. That I am worthless and completely underwhelming. The sickly little girl with all the bullshit stories… No way has she lived that life…

I don’t deserve broken promises… I don’t deserve broken anything… God made me amazing and unique I see. Myself at peace in the vestiges of my old life… Sadly I have the one I did to return to for good… I don’t need the things he does… Stuff is stuff… It’s time to move on and grow… I am fucking amazing I just needed a friend to genuinely show me… To mean it with no ulterior motive, one I know isn’t a bullshitter.

I won’t just walk out on him… Yes he broke the deadlines I set… I was too lenient… My spark lives again… The me inside pure and I undefiled…. The me with a thousand impossible stories and memories to fit in one lifetime….

Marrying him was yet again a way to run away from the aches or failures and I allowed myself to be consumed by my pain by my desieses… Consumed by sickness and sloth rather than forcing myself to grow out of the pain and the hurt and emerge as a Phoenix from the fire…. Afraid to lose my old friends and abandoning my family– no my families in the process… I see the beauties of my old life and I see the beauties in the aches….

The resentments I have held for so long i see now….. Yes my family is sad, sick,and desiesed —- but they are mine. Yes Jason is my family and his has welcomed and loved me… I can’t just give up and walk out on them…

Ill do my duties that I believe are my responsibility… Yes I even have had Excapes offered… But I’ll do it right….. Ill prepare myself for a new life…. Ill set new deadlines, and I will live my life without giving up on who I am…. If he cannot accept it then let him decide it’s time to move on… and if the work doesn’t prove plentiful, if there is no progress, if I have exhausted all options for fixing it all, then and then only can I move on.

I cannot let my passions die again… Misch worked so hard to show me my beauty… And I lost it…. But today looking in thr mirror I saw me again….. The model. The runner. The dreamer. The creator. The fighter… The person who killed her bucket list in high school because she knew she could do anything… I needed to be reminded I am amazing…

I am more than my wounds, I am more than my misery… I am more than the multiple tragic ballads written about me…. I am a warrior, a victor, a lover and a fighter….. I am sentimental and easily entertained…. I am loving, generous, and amazing with a million things to offer the world.

Hengist was right about so much at his wedding about me…. Always my truest friend… He watched me let myself die and I ignored his pleas at me to stop the insanity…. Jason was the easy way I thought… The safest way… But I was so wrong…

Ill try everything I can, I’ll play hard ball… But I won’t sit by letting myself die and become someone I’m not…. This is all going to hurt but why keep hurting the ones who love me by rolling over… Ill fight… Ill unleash Kara…. God have mercy on those who will not let her live…

I traded my war drum in when I washed out of the corps… I let my failure consume me and settled into the first life that might bring me comfort… That might bring me the American dream I so believe in and wanted to fight for… Picket fence and kids… Yes I still want it, but why settle for the image when the reality is shit??? Why settle?!

Yes I’ll try everything — but that’s for me more than anyone else… I will try to give it all a fair chance; because if I just quit what am I worth??? I won’t quit, but I won’t spend my life beating a dead horse…. I can’t… Living in this lonely misery with my passions behind me, Waiting to be seen and noticed, to be loved, waiting for affection and attention that will not come…

And tomorrow I go back… I pray and hope I don’t let myself roll over… I don’t take it.. I prove myself worthy of the gifts I have been given by so many… Time to not only get healthy in my mind, in my body too… the blue herringbone may never fit again…. but thats okay, I grew, I will do better and greater things…. I will create, and love all those I turned away from and honor them by honoring myself… I have to… otherwise what’s the point of living?

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Book Review: Offbeat Bride

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Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides [NOOKbook]Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides [NOOKbook] by Ariel Meadow Stallings

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book was written in an easy to read, matter of fact style. While overflowing with social and political opinions, anyone could benefit from reading this book if they are capable of over-looking rampant mentions of hippies, raves, and feminism.

The author does take great care to not alienate the reader while still standing on her soapbox about a myriad of issues from time to time, and really gets down to enforcing the point that the most important detail about a couple’s wedding day is all about them and should reflect them as a couple rather than giving in blindly to tradition and what the wedding industry tells us is required for a wedding.

While most of what the book says and suggests does not apply to my relatively traditional wedding (I love tradition and appreciate their historical contexts) that I am planning, the book did help me to feel more comfortable about making sure that the wedding is the way my fiancée and I want it rather than completely bowing to what people tell us we are supposed to have.

I would truly recommend it to any bride (or groom for that matter!).

Book Review: “Before You Get Engaged” by Rev. David Gudgel

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Before You Get Engaged [NOOKbook]Before You Get Engaged [NOOKbook] by David Gudgel

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I found this book a great read given that I am currently engaged. It was written well and was easy to follow. I wish I had read it months ago rather than after getting engaged. This book was still a great help because it helped to affirm that I am marrying my man for the right reasons and helped me to really analyze whether I am ready (which I am). All in all I would recommend this to anyone in a serious relationship that may be going down the road to marriage, or possibly for someone who is looking to find the right person and settle down.

Book Review: “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman PH.D.

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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship ExpertThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

This book was recommended to me by my premarital counselor. I found it to be a painfully dull read and very clinical. I would however recommend it to a couple that fights a lot and would like to work though it as there is quite a bit of good advice for saving a marriage and recognizing when a fight is at a point where nothing will be accomplished aside from hurting someone’s feelings.

If you think your relationship is rocky or of it gets really bad when you fight, I could see this as a good book for you, also if you guys feel like you need to get to know each other better. I however do not have difficulty with the problems that this book addresses in my relationship. I hope that it can help others more than it helped me.

I would have one recommendation – read it as a couple and do the exercises together… it can’t hurt right?

View all my reviews

Book Review: “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman

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Sheet Music [NOOKbook]Sheet Music [NOOKbook] by Kevin Leman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

My premarital counselor recommended this book to me and my fiancée with the warning to listen to the author as to how far to read in this book. He also put it very plainly (while blushing like a fire truck) that this book is about sex.

Well, this book is quite plainly about sex and how important it is for a marriage. It was written by a Christian and is not shy about its topic matter. This book goes into a lot of detail about Sex and what it means to a relationship. I would recommend it to any couple planning on getting married with the specific recommendation that one follow the author’s advice and only read the first section. I tried to cheat and finish the book in one go, but after the first few pages of the next chapter I recognized the author’s wisdom in where to stop until after the honeymoon.

Here’s looking forward to the rest of the book!

Now that it’s over…

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So a lot has happened lately, but the most has happened in the last week. Primarily, Jason and I broke up. While yes, we did have a relatively happy and healthy relationship, we also had some issues. (Besides if anything “relatively happy” isn’t enough – thanks for teaching me that daddy, miss you) Jason is an amazing man, and I really wish that it could have worked out for us, but at the core we had irreconcilable differences… At least we both were able to recognize this before we got married then ended up divorced.

But I have known this and been fighting it for some time… Deep down I already accepted our demise long before it came to this inevitable end. So now I wonder what exactly is going to happen, and what should I do…

With all the goals that I have set for myself, I can’t sit here in morn too long. I want to be a mother more than anything, and I just can’t wait forever to make that happen. But I also want to do it the right way, I getting married first and such. So really what I’m asking myself I guess, is if something that seems that might work comes along should I jump on it? or should I just sit here feel sorry for myself? The problem in that is that feeling sorry for myself just doesn’t seem right. But I don’t want to hurt Jason by it either.

I can’t really put words how bad I feel for Jason. He really did make me happy but pieces of me where missing in our relationship. I tried to hold on as long as I could, but without any major changes the inevitable was bound to happen. I tried to let his stuff grow on me and I tried to give up some of my things that he didn’t want, but I just couldn’t change and it didn’t work.

In the end I like who I am and I like who he is, but when the fairytale honeymoon was over, we just are not right for each other. I hope he can realize this in I hope we can stay friends, but if not I guess that is just how it has to be.

I’m grateful for the time we had, I’m sorry it had to end, but somewhere out there is someone special just for me. Just like there is someone special out there just for him.

Pretty Woman

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In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she discusses how men surveyed for her book felt about how important looks are to them and the effects of a woman maintaining herself for her man.

I personally believe that a man is completely justified in wanting his woman to make a genuine effort towards her appearance and at taking care of herself. In my opinion, if a husband truly does love his wife, then a lack of self maintenance on her part, should be relatively disconcerting . A woman’s self maintenance is not only important because of her own health and well being, but the gesture of a woman trying to look her best around her man shows she cares. This not only helps in validating their relationship, but also helps to validate him as a man.

If one were to also consider God’s stance concerning their appearance, a plethora of theological and sociological contradictions would come flooding out. It is my own opinon that God would rather have his children find comfort in their own skin than ascribe themselves to some unreachable goal that the media shows us “what women should look like” every day.

I think God wants for us to treat our bodies as temples just as the bible suggests. Therefore, to properly respect it, one must make every reasonable effort at maintaining it so that it may stay healthy and energized.

In this chapter, the author made a big deal about the topic at hand being very hard-hitting and potentially hurtful to the reader.I however, was suprizingly unmaimed by the chapter’s contents. it just makes sense to me that a man wants a woman to put up an effort at being beautiful for him. Honestly I see it all as a two-way street. Now, I don’t neccessarily want my man to be taking care of himself solely for me, but rather that I would like to see him do it for himself and be healthy – the fact that he looks better the more he works out is just a bonus.

I guess the thing that did hit home for me in the chapter was how badly I need to go to the gym. My man goes to through a lot of effort to take care of himself, and I can’t honestly say that my efforts are comparable. In truth, I need to drop the excuses tht have been holding me back and get to work. I won’t say that this chapter triggered any sort of emotional reaction from me such as the author suggested, but I can see where other more sensitive women might get upset at the idea that their man wants them to look good for them.

I personally find myself very encouraged when I read “Sometimes I’ll meet a man whose wife is overweight – but she takes care of herself. She puts some effort into appearance… if she is comfortable in her own skin and is confident you don’t notice the extra pounds. I look at that husband and think he did well.” It goes to show that men really don’t generally set impossible expectations for the woman they love but rather, they appreciate when their woman makes the effort to be beautiful for their man. I myself am relatively comfortable in my own skin. Sure, I have my own insecurities – a good number of them. While I know I am out of my ideal shape, and I have some weight to lose, I also know that my condition is not helpless and that in itself is the thing that brings me the most comfort.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

You can look, but don’t touch….

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In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she discusses the natural urge for men to look at and or think of various women throughout the day.

I guess what challenged me most about this chapter was how the author explained that most women don’t have pictures and images of men going and going through their minds later on after they have seen them. I guess I must think more on the plane of a man, because while I don’t think I necessarily struggle with tiny little men dancing through my head all day everyday, it does happen on a relatively frequent basis.

I will admit there’s a difference from my mind the average male’s. I probably have my boyfriend’s image pop up in my head on a relatively higher ratio than what I would expect from him in respects to me. I am not afraid to admit that I do have a movie star or two will cross my mind on a relatively regular and sometimes frequent basis (depending on what movies I have been watching around that time of course).

Truth be told, I can completely understand why most men will take a good look at an “eye magnet” if they get the chance to. It is my belief that God created the form of a woman to be a work of beauty that is meant to be admired by the man. Oftentimes, I will even notice a particularly beautiful woman myself and have to admire her as such, but then again that may just be the artist in me talking.

It is my opinion that one of the many major problems with our society today is that it has confused beauty with sex I really am sympathetic  to every man’s plight of  being bombarded every day with sexual imagery. Unlike generations past where men would have to specifically seek out sexually explicit imagery, men today are inundated with sexual images in the media or even with many of the women walking around in public.

I find it kind of absurd when women today complain that they do not want to be seen as sexual objects and yet they are the ones wearing skimpy, tight, and revealing clothing. I have come to believe that modesty has been lost on the younger generations of today. I will even include my own generation in this statement. I can remember being teased for not dressing “fashionable.” Back in those days I would usually dress in the baggy clothes often attributed to a skater, these were not only comfy and utilitarian, but they also were modest. In all honestly I have always found tight shirts and low cut jeans quite slutty, and while I do dress much more fashionably today, I still do make many efforts to remain modest in my dress.

For many people there is a very fine line between temptation and sin. Oftentimes people will even blur them together saying that the temptation itself is a sin. I would like to remind those individuals that even Jesus was tempted to sin in his time on earth. The sin itself doesn’t lie within temptation, but rather it is in acting upon that temptation.

Everyone is bound to be tempted at one time or another, perhaps a husband will be having a beer with his buddies down at the local watering hole and some hot supermodel looking lady propositions him. By nature he will probably imagine all that would entail and even be tempted to act upon that proposition. I believe that the temptation in that situation is not the sin; but rather if he were to take her up on that offer, it would be.

While most women are probably surprised to hear or are even horrified by the idea of their man thinking of explicit images, especially ones of other women; A good proportion of those women would also see this as a betrayal of them, but they should take care to recognize that these thoughts are oftentimes uncontrollable – they just pop into a man’s head without warning.

One way that I believe women can show love, trust, and support for their man is by not berating them for looking at or even thinking of another woman from time to time (if it is excessive however you guys may have something much more serious to discuss). If you see your man looking at a noticeably beautiful woman, admit that you think she is beautiful (out loud), you will likely be alleviating some of the guilt that he may have been feeling for simply peeking at her and you will really show him how much you trust him.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

You can look, but don’t touch….

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In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she discusses the natural urge for men to look at and or think of various women throughout the day.

I guess what challenged me most about this chapter was how the author explained that most women don’t have pictures and images of men going and going through their minds later on after they have seen them. I guess I must think more on the plane of a man, because while I don’t think I necessarily struggle with tiny little men dancing through my head all day everyday, it does happen on a relatively frequent basis.

I will admit there’s a difference from my mind the average male’s. I probably have my boyfriend’s image pop up in my head on a relatively higher ratio than what I would expect from him in respects to me. I am not afraid to admit that I do have a movie star or two will cross my mind on a relatively regular and sometimes frequent basis (depending on what movies I have been watching around that time of course).

Truth be told, I can completely understand why most men will take a good look at an “eye magnet” if they get the chance to. It is my belief that God created the form of a woman to be a work of beauty that is meant to be admired by the man. Oftentimes, I will even notice a particularly beautiful woman myself and have to admire her as such, but then again that may just be the artist in me talking.

It is my opinion that one of the many major problems with our society today is that it has confused beauty with sex I really am sympathetic  to every man’s plight of  being bombarded every day with sexual imagery. Unlike generations past where men would have to specifically seek out sexually explicit imagery, men today are inundated with sexual images in the media or even with many of the women walking around in public.

I find it kind of absurd when women today complain that they do not want to be seen as sexual objects and yet they are the ones wearing skimpy, tight, and revealing clothing. I have come to believe that modesty has been lost on the younger generations of today. I will even include my own generation in this statement. I can remember being teased for not dressing “fashionable.” Back in those days I would usually dress in the baggy clothes often attributed to a skater, these were not only comfy and utilitarian, but they also were modest. In all honestly I have always found tight shirts and low cut jeans quite slutty, and while I do dress much more fashionably today, I still do make many efforts to remain modest in my dress.

For many people there is a very fine line between temptation and sin. Oftentimes people will even blur them together saying that the temptation itself is a sin. I would like to remind those individuals that even Jesus was tempted to sin in his time on earth. The sin itself doesn’t lie within temptation, but rather it is in acting upon that temptation.

Everyone is bound to be tempted at one time or another, perhaps a husband will be having a beer with his buddies down at the local watering hole and some hot supermodel looking lady propositions him. By nature he will probably imagine all that would entail and even be tempted to act upon that proposition. I believe that the temptation in that situation is not the sin; but rather if he were to take her up on that offer, it would be.

While most women are probably surprised to hear or are even horrified by the idea of their man thinking of explicit images, especially ones of other women; A good proportion of those women would also see this as a betrayal of them, but they should take care to recognize that these thoughts are oftentimes uncontrollable – they just pop into a man’s head without warning.

One way that I believe women can show love, trust, and support for their man is by not berating them for looking at or even thinking of another woman from time to time (if it is excessive however you guys may have something much more serious to discuss). If you see your man looking at a noticeably beautiful woman, admit that you think she is beautiful (out loud), you will likely be alleviating some of the guilt that he may have been feeling for simply peeking at her and you will really show him how much you trust him.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

Let’s talk about sex baby…

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In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she takes a whole chapter out to specifically discuss sex in marriage. She does also take the time to state that she believes it should only occur in th confines of marriage. With that in mind, this post will be written under that premise.

Honestly, I was a bit surprised to read that most married man carry an emotional connection to sex with their wives. It seems that you always hear so much in the media about how men are just animals and how they are just out to fill a carnal need. In understand that sex is indeed a very physical need for all men with numerous health benefits. I also have been aware that sex is emotional for most men on occasion and I was surprised to hear that it s more frequent than not when a man is in love.

An important thing that women should consider is what kinds of messages they are sending to their husbands when they initiate sex. When a man’s wife initiates sex with him, it can send a very powerful message saying that he is both wanted and desired by his wife. This can be empowering to him as a man and provide a significant boost to his self-worth that he would not be able to get anywhere else.

It seems that women should want to have relations with their husbands quite regularly, but that us not always the case. The most frequent complaint I have heard women give about why they aren’t intimate is that everyday life gets in the way and they are just too exhausted by the end of the day to consider being intimate.

Personally, I believe that it is very important for every man and woman to make regular exceptions to their routines for their own good and, perhaps more importantly, for their significant other’s good. When a man sees his wife break her regular routines in order to please him (or vice versa) it can assure them that they are deeply loved, honored and respected. In terms of sex, not only are the physical effects good for both parties involved, but, the emotional and psychological effects are innumerable.

At one point, Feldhahn quotes what one man believes, “In making love, there is one other person  in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged.” I believe that this guy speaks directly to the heart of what it is all about. I hope that someday my (future) husband will see sex in this light and feel that same way.

I truly hope and dream the in the future I will be able to create a happy and healthy home environment for my man to feel safe enough to completely be himself without worries or stress. I can only hope that he would hope for and work towards the same as well and we will be able to remain happy together.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.