I am so fed up with everyone thinking that they know what is good for me… Now Jeremy is stepping in and telling me I have bad taste in those that I associate with… Since I met those that I now call my family, I have not been left in need for anything… And yet somehow they are bad for me?
And then we have the circus that I am legally bound to… I love them as I am required… But I cannot deal with them much longer… Yes they do what they can for me but it seems that it is only when they may benefit from it somehow….
It is affecting my relationship (or lack there of which I should make a point of mentioning here) with John… Yes we aren’t anything official… But there are emotions and experiences that come into play…
I love John. That is that… A large part of why I left was that I thought he was going to marry the girl he was with and I couldn’t bear the idea of watching it and I honestly just want him happy….
I swear that I am a hair shy of cutting it off from them for a while… But he told me I shouldn’t and I thing I should at least try to survive the holidays..
So I have an assessment up in Lynnwood for a job tomorrow at 2pm… It’s with comcast so it is a good job and it would be nice to get on with them you know? Problem is because I am testing on Snohomish county they will most likely put me up there which means I am going to have to find somewhere to go in that instance… I had a good job down in California that I couldn’t find a transfer for so that is all too unfortunate… But hopefully this Comcast thing will work out because I am sick of the bullshit retail hell that I was trapped in before….
Went by mom’s today an. Helped them out a little with their technology stuff… Steve got himself a toy that mom had been telling me she wanted which means that Steve is going to be on the doghouse when she finds out… Fortunately he put it away while I was there so that there wasn’t a scene…
My little sister (who I am convinced is the only person who reads this) still hasn’t found the time to see me… I know she is busy busy busy… But I miss her and I have presents for her and my future niece or nephew (the baby blanket I crocheted in California) yes… This is a bribe to get some hot chocolate or something together sometime….
Other than that no news really just wish me luck on that thing tomorrow!!!
Everyone in my family knows that I spend Sundays at Sven and Anne’s place… It has been that way for years you know?
And yesterday she calls me up on short notice expecting me to come to grandma’s house for a family dinner…
I managed to pull away for that and went over there for a decent dinner with my family… After which my mom started harping in on me about Sven and Anne and how they are horrible people and how I would have rather had Atli come down to drive me home than Jeremy…
Truth is I didn’t give a shit who drove me home so long as I got home asap… Apparently they had a plane ticket for Jeremy (but I will believe that as far as I can throw it) I wanted to get home… Telling me to wait another day two days in a row does not get me any closer to home…. Atli stepped up and I took his offer… Now she adamantly hates him as well… But I am sure she would never have given him a chance anyways…
Well so I probably won’t talk to her for a month or so…
Why can’t she understand
that I’m different than she thinks
Why can’t she see
that being preppy just isn’t me?
I do not want to look or act
like a bitchy and hateful whore
I do not judge people as evil
if they wear an outfit that is black
I do not understand why they do.
Endless hateful glances too
“I hate you.
I hate the way you comb your hair
I cannot take you anywhere
Your clothes do not match the time or season
to hate you I need no reason.”
They hate because they are different
and yet still not unique
They hate because I have found
my own way to express myself.
She too hates me for what I am
and is disgusted by what I might be
when will she ever understand
that the only thing I really want
is the freedom of expression to be me.