Tag Archives: Jason

Trading the fiddle for the drum.

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So I’m staying down at Sven and Anne’s this weekend doing a photo shoot for the series I am working on… And in all of it — in all my recent miseries and sadness and mourning for the marriage I thought I would have but never received — the heartache and abandonment and frustration at a life promised but never given… In all my aching discontent and the compounding of a lifetime of regrets… In all the sadness heart break and absolutely shattered dreams… I’ve contented myself with the empty promises made to me before by my now husband… Thinking the time was nigh and that it was only right… Driven by dogmas I never fully believed and realizing that I was blinded by a fantasy we all maintain about him and who he is… Even his parents are split now from the very same lies and deceit that has plagued our relationship in its entirety and his relationships before ours.

But today, sweet today when it hit me that I finally am following through on one of my earliest childhood dreams — working on a genuine film project… And The Lord shall provide… Now I am free from so many of the demons who have plagued me in all these years – strike that, my whole life. Old curses I must battle with for my whole life… regardless of them being my sins or not.

Today I took a free second sitting for a breath after an exhausting but fulfilling and absolutely fun day and I saw that old sparkle I had In my soul; the girl who built guitars for a living, the apprentice to the master blade smith who turned down working on Lord of the Rings… The confident passionate twig of a girl in the blue herringbone dress…. That spark I see it it’s back when I thought it faded so long ago.

I dread returning to my current life. I feel the fool and the sucker for falling for it all twice. How long have I been consumed by not having an escape plan with the drawdown… consumed by people telling me my aches and pains were punishments for my failures. That I am worthless and completely underwhelming. The sickly little girl with all the bullshit stories… No way has she lived that life…

I don’t deserve broken promises… I don’t deserve broken anything… God made me amazing and unique I see. Myself at peace in the vestiges of my old life… Sadly I have the one I did to return to for good… I don’t need the things he does… Stuff is stuff… It’s time to move on and grow… I am fucking amazing I just needed a friend to genuinely show me… To mean it with no ulterior motive, one I know isn’t a bullshitter.

I won’t just walk out on him… Yes he broke the deadlines I set… I was too lenient… My spark lives again… The me inside pure and I undefiled…. The me with a thousand impossible stories and memories to fit in one lifetime….

Marrying him was yet again a way to run away from the aches or failures and I allowed myself to be consumed by my pain by my desieses… Consumed by sickness and sloth rather than forcing myself to grow out of the pain and the hurt and emerge as a Phoenix from the fire…. Afraid to lose my old friends and abandoning my family– no my families in the process… I see the beauties of my old life and I see the beauties in the aches….

The resentments I have held for so long i see now….. Yes my family is sad, sick,and desiesed —- but they are mine. Yes Jason is my family and his has welcomed and loved me… I can’t just give up and walk out on them…

Ill do my duties that I believe are my responsibility… Yes I even have had Excapes offered… But I’ll do it right….. Ill prepare myself for a new life…. Ill set new deadlines, and I will live my life without giving up on who I am…. If he cannot accept it then let him decide it’s time to move on… and if the work doesn’t prove plentiful, if there is no progress, if I have exhausted all options for fixing it all, then and then only can I move on.

I cannot let my passions die again… Misch worked so hard to show me my beauty… And I lost it…. But today looking in thr mirror I saw me again….. The model. The runner. The dreamer. The creator. The fighter… The person who killed her bucket list in high school because she knew she could do anything… I needed to be reminded I am amazing…

I am more than my wounds, I am more than my misery… I am more than the multiple tragic ballads written about me…. I am a warrior, a victor, a lover and a fighter….. I am sentimental and easily entertained…. I am loving, generous, and amazing with a million things to offer the world.

Hengist was right about so much at his wedding about me…. Always my truest friend… He watched me let myself die and I ignored his pleas at me to stop the insanity…. Jason was the easy way I thought… The safest way… But I was so wrong…

Ill try everything I can, I’ll play hard ball… But I won’t sit by letting myself die and become someone I’m not…. This is all going to hurt but why keep hurting the ones who love me by rolling over… Ill fight… Ill unleash Kara…. God have mercy on those who will not let her live…

I traded my war drum in when I washed out of the corps… I let my failure consume me and settled into the first life that might bring me comfort… That might bring me the American dream I so believe in and wanted to fight for… Picket fence and kids… Yes I still want it, but why settle for the image when the reality is shit??? Why settle?!

Yes I’ll try everything — but that’s for me more than anyone else… I will try to give it all a fair chance; because if I just quit what am I worth??? I won’t quit, but I won’t spend my life beating a dead horse…. I can’t… Living in this lonely misery with my passions behind me, Waiting to be seen and noticed, to be loved, waiting for affection and attention that will not come…

And tomorrow I go back… I pray and hope I don’t let myself roll over… I don’t take it.. I prove myself worthy of the gifts I have been given by so many… Time to not only get healthy in my mind, in my body too… the blue herringbone may never fit again…. but thats okay, I grew, I will do better and greater things…. I will create, and love all those I turned away from and honor them by honoring myself… I have to… otherwise what’s the point of living?

Harvest Feast, Halloween, and Hanging out…

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I know I am petty bad about updating this thing, but really my blog its more for me than anyone else… If you choose to read it I do appreciate it, but really it is primarily a way for me to sort my thoughts out…

Since the breakup a lot has gone on, and yet not much at all… But life is starting to look up. I’ve been growing inside, which is great, I’ve seen a lot of good stuff happening around me… then again I guess there’s a lot of heart aches too.

I know the Jason is hurting and that kills me. I hate seeing a friend going through so much pain and knowing that it is my doing. but I have to be true to myself… and even Jason admits that he was trying to change me.

So Halloween went pretty well, I spent the weekend with Hengist, Mira, Thorolf, and Sabrina… It was really nice having us all together all weekend. On friday night we all went up to a Halloween party at a friend’s house in Bremerton. I ended up dressing as “Rosie the Rivitor”… Even loaned me an aluminum pipe wrench that totally made the costume… And I got to see a bunch of my friends that I haven’t seen in way too long. It was really a blessing.

Saturday we all went to another party in Seattle… And there I got to see a bunch more of my SCA friends that I haven’t seen in months or in a couple of cases a few years (along side the usual suspects of course)… This time I borrowed one of Mira’s costumes and so I was an “anarchy cheerleader.” Yet again we all got goofy and had a great time…

Strangely enough, Sunday everything was pretty tame… Mira had a belly dancing show scheduled at Karma in Puyallup, and Sabrina headed back home to Yakima. So Hengist, Mira, Thorolf and I went to the show where we saw Dana also… But the venue was putty barren so we just ate a nice indian food dinner… (lamb vindaloo – yum!) Mira want feeling too hot anyways, so it was probably good that she didn’t dance.

On monday, I woke up sicker than snot with a fever… And I have spent the whole week in bed recovering… It’s a brutal bug this year, almost everyone we saw this weekend caught some variation of it (lucky butts Sabrina and Thorolf exempt)…

I was capable of functioning about midday friday which is good because I discovered a horrible lump on Moses’s torso… so by the generous grace of Sven and Anne, we took Mo to the vet. The very want quite sure what was going on, but after he took some fluid from the limp he saw it was infected so mo got a shot of strong antibiotics which have been helping immensely…

Moses is still having thyroid troubles,  so we adjusted his meds a bit, hopefully that helps with his neurological problems, but he is ever too skinny… He only weighed in at 9.1 lbs when he should be somewhere around 16 lbs…. So somehow we have to get him eating enough food to start putting on the weight. Wish him luck, he needs it.

Saturday was harvest feast… Which was okay, but Hengist and Mira didn’t go because they couldn’t eat anything on the menu (stupid gluten), and Sven didn’t go because he was a groomsman in a wedding. Feasts are so bunch more fun with them there…

After harvest feast Thorolf and I went to an after party which was pretty tame (that was preferable though) and later we went to see my friends the Hard Money Saints, and James Hunnicutt play at a bar just past the Roy Y. It was great seeing James, Jack, Mondo and Nick after so long… Kinda weird wearing my viking garb to the trail end of a rockabilly show, but all was good. Lastly we hit up Walmart to pick up some last-minute toys for tots donations then home…

I think I did way too much because I’m feeling pretty icky again (or still) but it has been great seeing all my friends I have been missing. Kills like I may have some photocopy gigs coming up possibly too to help concert my gas bill a bit better… Which is a relief… But a real job is priority…

Also congrats go to my cousin who had her baby… He is a cutie-pie although I have never met him because I have been sick… And I have a phone interview on the 12th.. So wish me luck with that… I have been out of work so long… I’m stir crazy…

I feel like I’m figuring myself out which is exactly what I need to do… Still waiting on my final “no”from the military, and if that happens I will look into counseling to help sort me out memtally a bit more… I think it could be of great value…

I’ll try to keep this a bit more updated… It’s good for me to write out my thoughts, and if you care to read my ramblings, great! If not, oh well… like I said this is mostly for me!

Now that it’s over…

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So a lot has happened lately, but the most has happened in the last week. Primarily, Jason and I broke up. While yes, we did have a relatively happy and healthy relationship, we also had some issues. (Besides if anything “relatively happy” isn’t enough – thanks for teaching me that daddy, miss you) Jason is an amazing man, and I really wish that it could have worked out for us, but at the core we had irreconcilable differences… At least we both were able to recognize this before we got married then ended up divorced.

But I have known this and been fighting it for some time… Deep down I already accepted our demise long before it came to this inevitable end. So now I wonder what exactly is going to happen, and what should I do…

With all the goals that I have set for myself, I can’t sit here in morn too long. I want to be a mother more than anything, and I just can’t wait forever to make that happen. But I also want to do it the right way, I getting married first and such. So really what I’m asking myself I guess, is if something that seems that might work comes along should I jump on it? or should I just sit here feel sorry for myself? The problem in that is that feeling sorry for myself just doesn’t seem right. But I don’t want to hurt Jason by it either.

I can’t really put words how bad I feel for Jason. He really did make me happy but pieces of me where missing in our relationship. I tried to hold on as long as I could, but without any major changes the inevitable was bound to happen. I tried to let his stuff grow on me and I tried to give up some of my things that he didn’t want, but I just couldn’t change and it didn’t work.

In the end I like who I am and I like who he is, but when the fairytale honeymoon was over, we just are not right for each other. I hope he can realize this in I hope we can stay friends, but if not I guess that is just how it has to be.

I’m grateful for the time we had, I’m sorry it had to end, but somewhere out there is someone special just for me. Just like there is someone special out there just for him.

The Provider

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In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she discusses the deeply rooted need that most men have to provide for their women and their families. All to often anymore, it seems that women are expected to provide on an equal level with their men. Unfortunately, it also seems that men are now told they are no longer needed to be providers. For me, it was a comfort to read that the traditional ideals of a man providing for his family are not completely lost.

Personally, I do not feel the need to take on the role as a primary fiscal provider one I have a family. It may sound a bit archaic and traditionalist, but I feel that once I start my family, my place is to be in the home taking care of my children.

Now I have no qualms if some women want to have careers. It’s no for me is all. I can work if I need to, I just prefer to stay at home taking  care of it and my family. I prefer to think that I will be the one socializing and raising my children rather than paying someone else to do it for me. To be perfectly honest, I would have an extremely difficult time spending all of the money I earn at my job on paying for daycare where someone else to do what I would rather be doing if I wasn’t working anyways. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Now please understand that I do not believe that staying at home and raising my family means that I just want to stay at home watching daytime television and eating bon-bons (yuck to both!). Rather, I believe that a stay at home wife/mom’s responsibilities are to take care of the household.

As a single woman however, I do my best to take care of and fully provide for myself in order to lessen the already plentiful burdens that I lay upon my man. I do what I can to help him with his business so that he may provide for us using that someday.

Given that we do not live together, that fact that my man works many long hours does not affect us too deeply. It does on occasion interfere with our ability to see each other and spend time together. It is something that I oftentimes find frustrating, but I do my best to be supportive and encouraging of him in all of his efforts.

I do unfortunately find myself oftentimes complaining that I do not get to see my man as much when he is being responsible and building his business. I know he is doing this as a means to provide for his future family (he oftentimes reminds me of this), but I still am not always mindful of him in this, and unfortunately, I do not always appreciate the full depth of what he is doing. I am proud to say that I do sometimes, on occasion, get it right when I encourage and support him in his efforts and assure him that I believe in him and support him in everything he is doing.

Personally, I find a man’s need to provide as something wonderful. It all too often is a disappearing trait in this modern society as so many women make a point of beating men down for wanting to provide and care for their women. Rather than putting a man down with such a noble motivation, I believe that women should make every effort to validate and support their man’s need to provide for them.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

Learning to Dream again…

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Recently I have spent a good amount of my time focusing on developing my life goals and dreams. Sad to say, it seems that I have greatly lapsed in this skill since my school days, so now I am starting over from scratch as an adult. So the following are some questions I have snagged from Ravi Vora. I do not know him personally, however, I did find the post I have linked to particularly helpful in stimulate my brain back into dreaming big once again. So without further ado, here goes!

Q: If you had $100 million dollars what would you do? Money is no issue. just imagine what you would do with your life if money didn’t matter.

A: I would freely give back to all of my friends who have helped me along the way so far repaying their endless generosity with interest and enjoy changing their lives for the better as they have for me in the past. I would also have my own family and raise my children up teaching them about the world by showing them through travel and historical study. I want to be able to support any and all of their talents so that they can make a name for themselves.

Q: What do you think about when you think about Nothing? I believe that when you think about nothing, you are thinking about what you love. When I lay down at night and clear my head for sleep, something always comes rushing back in. The things I love most.

A: When I clear my head an think about nothing, the things that most often cross my mind are having a fmaily and raising them. I also think about having the time and money to adequately enjoy my hobbies and passions like my Viking Age reenactment, building guitars, and my photography. Mostly my thoughts are centered around raising my family to enjoy my passions with me.

Q: What makes you happy every day? Just one thing, however big or small. Expand upon this and you will be closer to figuring out your dream.

A: Jason make me happy every day by letting me know that I am loved and cherished. he makes me feel as it his love and blind affection are completely unconditional for me. All I’ve ever really wanted is to love and be loved and he provides me with this every day.

Q: If you had 60 minutes to live what would you do? Sometimes in your last moments you make crazy decisions. These are our gut instincts and can be associated to our big dream.

A: I would gather my dearest friends and relatives and tell them all that I love them. I would hope that Jason would honor my by marrying me (before God) before I die and spend my last moments with the family that loves me wholly and completely.

Q: What is one thing about your life that you would change right now? Got it? Now change it.

A: I would fix my finances and be ready to get married… I want a family and the love that I believe I will be able to express once I get to have a family of my own.

Q: How do you define success? From having a million stamps to having a million friends on Facebook, success is a general term that each of us define for ourselves. Once you know what your definition of success is, you will be able to go for it.

A: I believe that someone  is successful when they have found what  is meaningful in their lives and have afforded themselves the opportunity to balance that with their spirituality and home life. This also means that one has found a functional and lawful way of achieving this in society.

Q: If you wrote your autobiography, how would you want people to remember you? If you want people to remember you a hero, then start working towards that goal.

A: I want to be remembered as someone who has overcome the many turmoils in life and loved freely, laughed, often and gave much to the world.

Q: If you could visit one place in the world, where would it be? Making a concrete choice will lead you to what you need and will start to drive you towards that place.

A: For me it is hard to choose just one place. But I guess where I would like to go most of all someday is to Disneyland with my (future) family. I want to show them the place where everyone can be a child just like my father showed me.

Q: What is one thing that interests you more than anything else? Whether it’s a hobby, and object, or a person, there’s something you’re interested in so much that it drives you. figure out why you are so interested in it and you will find your big dream.

A: The one thing that drives me is the idea of having a family, Raising them and loving them. I’m interested in it because I love and want to be loved without it ever being circumstantial.

Q: What do you hate doing? Sometimes you can find what you want to do by eliminating what you dislike doing.

A: I hate when I am forced to be false and work below my skill level. I don’t like fulfilling obligations to those who belittle me because in the end they are always going to tear me down.

Q: Who do you admire most? If they have what you want then maybe they are living your dream (or have lived it). Figure out how to live that dream too.

A: I admire those who are able to love, be loved, and love themselves freely. I admire those who have a healthy and happy family life

Q: What is one thing you would change about the world? Now go change it.

A: I’d change all the propaganda that teaches people to be one thing or another because society says so rathewr than to follow their passions and fulfill their responsibilities to God and their loved ones.

Q: What are you doing when you feel the most alive? Is it  skydiving? Writing? Speaking in front of people? Whatever gives you the thrill of living is a great indication as to what you want to really do with your life.

A: I feel the most alive when I am able to forget all the many demons in my life and rather spend my time freely loving on those who deserve it and return their love to me as well.

Q: What was the happiest moment of your life? Find a way to make that moment last the rest of your life.

A: I don’t think it’s happened yet, but rather is going to happen wen I can finally say I have a family.

Q: What is one thing you would change about your past? When we look into our past, we can see what will affect our future. So you can either figure out a way to make that a positive part of your past, or learn from it and move forward. Either way, you’re finding the change to point to your dream.

A: I would have appreciated my family more when we actually got along in my youth. I wish I could have known what I would be mission before it was actually missing.

Looking back through my memories…

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So I have been spending a lot of my new found free time posting up most of my old poetry from 2001 and 2002… It’s funny how it all feels so different now… a lot of it was so innocent – yet I had no clue.. and still it was not that innocent at the same time. I had already endured and experienced so much by then. It’s just so hard to believe that that was the time that made me into who I am today.

Now I see a lot of the lasting effects of those times, how I see the world, how I act, how I feel, and probably most importantly how I give large pieces of myself away to other people and causes… A lot of the stuff that concerned me then is almost comedic… while I find it ironic that I have run back to my faith of that time as well.

A few funny ironies abound through it all… At that time I was a youth leader at Impact at Life Center… Rex was one of the main pastors there… it’s kind of funny as well, because now he is the main pastor at my new church. Also from that time, I thought I would need Tommy forever… and love him… I mean, he was my first love afterall… without his influence I seriously doubt that I would be half the woman I am today… Now he’s married and living his life… we have generally lost touch except for Facebook…

But that is all okay. I am back in God’s graces after my years of anger at him for not stepping in when I heard my dad crying to him for a break from the pain… I have been blessed too. I have found a deep love with an old friend… we are so compatible in so many ways, and yet we continue to grow towards each other. I am happy and I see a future… something I have always wanted to share… and now I truly believe that I have found that someone to share it all with… if you told me I’d be saying this back then – especially considering who it is… I’d have died of laughter… and so would he… but God works in funny ways… and I am blessed for it. I can only hope Jason is blessed for it too.

God’s Stepping in…

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So life’s gone a bit nutty lately and everything has changed, while it’s not all necessarily good per se, I feel like it is.

First off God’s really opened my eyes again which is glorious and so my faith is growing again by leaps and bounds; I can’t say I can take credit for this all, but Jason (my new boyfriend – more on that later) has really helped me a lot.
He has me reading “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller… This book is great! It’s all about Christian spirituality without being too preachy and is not afraid to talk about what’s wrong with the church along side what is right… it covers a lot of issues that I have which is nice because I have something I can share an affinity with.
I also went to Jason’s church (which is up in Kirkland) and I swear I just knew this place is what is right for me… it was great. The pastor is actually one of the old youth pastors from Life Center from back in the days when I was doing impact and he speaks awesome… Sitting in sermon was a new experience for me… I was so thirsty that I was sitting on the edge of my seat, it was awesome.
I really feel like god is working with my life to rearrange and fix it into what he wants it to be, so I am just trying to submit to his will. I lost my job; but that is okay really I was lucky enough to have a little money left from my tax return so hopefully I will be able to make it okay until I get a new one. I know there’s got to be something else out there for me that is better…
As for Jason, we have known each other for about 14 years, as he was one of my brother’s friends back in the day. However we’ve been pretty close friends for the last 8 years. Even when I was living in California we were in a reasonable amount of contact… the funny thing is it never really dawned on us that we should be an item…
We planned a pub crawl as we were pretty much the last single ones standing a couple weeks ago and in planning that we got to talking a lot about what our hopes and dreams are in life, you know the deep rooted ones like me wanting to be able to be a stay at home mother with my children and build guitars in my own wood shop… He has his dreams too and it’s amazing how spot on we are with each others hopes dreams and goals in life. I guess that is probably what sparked it… but when the pub crawl came around, magic happened. after that weekend we waited a couple days hardly able to stop talking to each other…
We sat down to Coffee and asked ourselves what is going on and determined that we’re going to go for it. We are being smart about things and set down the ground rules, like my SCA and viking stuff and his business. I really believe in him and he believes in me. I feel like god has put us together and is blessing us.
The weird thing is because we’ve been close friends for so long, it’s like we’re skipping that whole getting to know you stage of the relationship… I mean it’s not like we’re engaged, but it’s something we talk about possibly happening someday once we’ve met some of our current goals. It’s so nice though, he’s amazing.
But what happened with Spyder you ask? Well, he pretty much cut contact to me and so I had to just snip those heartstrings out. I know I said I love him, and I always have as a friend… as I do allow myself to love freely, but perhaps I let myself get too caught up in the moment? I still care for him, I just had to admit defeat and call him a good friend… it’s funny – once I did that God puts Jason right there…. and Jason is a much better match for me anyways. And I am working to not say things too early this time…