Tag Archives: identity

Trading the fiddle for the drum.

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So I’m staying down at Sven and Anne’s this weekend doing a photo shoot for the series I am working on… And in all of it — in all my recent miseries and sadness and mourning for the marriage I thought I would have but never received — the heartache and abandonment and frustration at a life promised but never given… In all my aching discontent and the compounding of a lifetime of regrets… In all the sadness heart break and absolutely shattered dreams… I’ve contented myself with the empty promises made to me before by my now husband… Thinking the time was nigh and that it was only right… Driven by dogmas I never fully believed and realizing that I was blinded by a fantasy we all maintain about him and who he is… Even his parents are split now from the very same lies and deceit that has plagued our relationship in its entirety and his relationships before ours.

But today, sweet today when it hit me that I finally am following through on one of my earliest childhood dreams — working on a genuine film project… And The Lord shall provide… Now I am free from so many of the demons who have plagued me in all these years – strike that, my whole life. Old curses I must battle with for my whole life… regardless of them being my sins or not.

Today I took a free second sitting for a breath after an exhausting but fulfilling and absolutely fun day and I saw that old sparkle I had In my soul; the girl who built guitars for a living, the apprentice to the master blade smith who turned down working on Lord of the Rings… The confident passionate twig of a girl in the blue herringbone dress…. That spark I see it it’s back when I thought it faded so long ago.

I dread returning to my current life. I feel the fool and the sucker for falling for it all twice. How long have I been consumed by not having an escape plan with the drawdown… consumed by people telling me my aches and pains were punishments for my failures. That I am worthless and completely underwhelming. The sickly little girl with all the bullshit stories… No way has she lived that life…

I don’t deserve broken promises… I don’t deserve broken anything… God made me amazing and unique I see. Myself at peace in the vestiges of my old life… Sadly I have the one I did to return to for good… I don’t need the things he does… Stuff is stuff… It’s time to move on and grow… I am fucking amazing I just needed a friend to genuinely show me… To mean it with no ulterior motive, one I know isn’t a bullshitter.

I won’t just walk out on him… Yes he broke the deadlines I set… I was too lenient… My spark lives again… The me inside pure and I undefiled…. The me with a thousand impossible stories and memories to fit in one lifetime….

Marrying him was yet again a way to run away from the aches or failures and I allowed myself to be consumed by my pain by my desieses… Consumed by sickness and sloth rather than forcing myself to grow out of the pain and the hurt and emerge as a Phoenix from the fire…. Afraid to lose my old friends and abandoning my family– no my families in the process… I see the beauties of my old life and I see the beauties in the aches….

The resentments I have held for so long i see now….. Yes my family is sad, sick,and desiesed —- but they are mine. Yes Jason is my family and his has welcomed and loved me… I can’t just give up and walk out on them…

Ill do my duties that I believe are my responsibility… Yes I even have had Excapes offered… But I’ll do it right….. Ill prepare myself for a new life…. Ill set new deadlines, and I will live my life without giving up on who I am…. If he cannot accept it then let him decide it’s time to move on… and if the work doesn’t prove plentiful, if there is no progress, if I have exhausted all options for fixing it all, then and then only can I move on.

I cannot let my passions die again… Misch worked so hard to show me my beauty… And I lost it…. But today looking in thr mirror I saw me again….. The model. The runner. The dreamer. The creator. The fighter… The person who killed her bucket list in high school because she knew she could do anything… I needed to be reminded I am amazing…

I am more than my wounds, I am more than my misery… I am more than the multiple tragic ballads written about me…. I am a warrior, a victor, a lover and a fighter….. I am sentimental and easily entertained…. I am loving, generous, and amazing with a million things to offer the world.

Hengist was right about so much at his wedding about me…. Always my truest friend… He watched me let myself die and I ignored his pleas at me to stop the insanity…. Jason was the easy way I thought… The safest way… But I was so wrong…

Ill try everything I can, I’ll play hard ball… But I won’t sit by letting myself die and become someone I’m not…. This is all going to hurt but why keep hurting the ones who love me by rolling over… Ill fight… Ill unleash Kara…. God have mercy on those who will not let her live…

I traded my war drum in when I washed out of the corps… I let my failure consume me and settled into the first life that might bring me comfort… That might bring me the American dream I so believe in and wanted to fight for… Picket fence and kids… Yes I still want it, but why settle for the image when the reality is shit??? Why settle?!

Yes I’ll try everything — but that’s for me more than anyone else… I will try to give it all a fair chance; because if I just quit what am I worth??? I won’t quit, but I won’t spend my life beating a dead horse…. I can’t… Living in this lonely misery with my passions behind me, Waiting to be seen and noticed, to be loved, waiting for affection and attention that will not come…

And tomorrow I go back… I pray and hope I don’t let myself roll over… I don’t take it.. I prove myself worthy of the gifts I have been given by so many… Time to not only get healthy in my mind, in my body too… the blue herringbone may never fit again…. but thats okay, I grew, I will do better and greater things…. I will create, and love all those I turned away from and honor them by honoring myself… I have to… otherwise what’s the point of living?

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