So I have been spending a lot of my new found free time posting up most of my old poetry from 2001 and 2002… It’s funny how it all feels so different now… a lot of it was so innocent – yet I had no clue.. and still it was not that innocent at the same time. I had already endured and experienced so much by then. It’s just so hard to believe that that was the time that made me into who I am today.
Now I see a lot of the lasting effects of those times, how I see the world, how I act, how I feel, and probably most importantly how I give large pieces of myself away to other people and causes… A lot of the stuff that concerned me then is almost comedic… while I find it ironic that I have run back to my faith of that time as well.
A few funny ironies abound through it all… At that time I was a youth leader at Impact at Life Center… Rex was one of the main pastors there… it’s kind of funny as well, because now he is the main pastor at my new church. Also from that time, I thought I would need Tommy forever… and love him… I mean, he was my first love afterall… without his influence I seriously doubt that I would be half the woman I am today… Now he’s married and living his life… we have generally lost touch except for Facebook…
But that is all okay. I am back in God’s graces after my years of anger at him for not stepping in when I heard my dad crying to him for a break from the pain… I have been blessed too. I have found a deep love with an old friend… we are so compatible in so many ways, and yet we continue to grow towards each other. I am happy and I see a future… something I have always wanted to share… and now I truly believe that I have found that someone to share it all with… if you told me I’d be saying this back then – especially considering who it is… I’d have died of laughter… and so would he… but God works in funny ways… and I am blessed for it. I can only hope Jason is blessed for it too.
I cried so many times before you rany away.
Ran into the abyss unknown,
whilst leaving your children behind.
You ignored my tears, even in the last minute,
causing me to ask if we could have ever understood who you were.
I heard the sound of your death, but my mind denied it and shook it off.
Through a reflection in the glass and trapped in a cage he told me you were gone.
I guess I should understand that you needed your gentle peace to come.
The anger I now harbor,
And the hurt I now bear,
ache within me.
I see you everywhere and wonder if your peace has really come.
I fear the peace,
but not in death, in life.
I feel it coming to me; but at what cost?
And can you ever really be there?
I feel you around me;
and I do not understand it.
Are you even really there?
even if you are;
How can I know you won’t leave me again?
Around her the angels tend to fall down
She lives in a hurt she can’t seem to bear
A vale of tears falls around her
there’s puddles everywhere
she stares straight ahead
afraid of falling down again
she hides all her cares.
She knows she is different
not quite like anyone around.
remembering things that seem unclear,
she questions all that she is taught.
Breathing keeps getting harder
drowning in the pain within
no one knows why she is hiding
or when she’ll finally break down.
Even memories are unreal to her
as the angels keep falling down
she thinks she’s not worthy of pleasure
knows no other feeling but pain.
Her heart grows heavier
with every new tear stain
the angels keep falling down
leaving her alone and behind.
Wishing for freedom she holds on
but also hoping for an end.
I am not gonna be so feeble anymore.
It’s not worth it to live and suffer,
but I still can’t seem to understand,
how you could just run away.
Don’t you know you didn’t just dissappear?
Don’t you know you left me behind?
I’ll never understand how you could just leave your children behind…
I miss you…
Who are you to betray me?
Who are you to throw me aside?
Who are you anymore?
You think I am stupid,
I think you’ll never understand,
You see me as a child lacking life experiences,
I wish I could see the same as you do.
It’d do a lot easier without the pain I’ve felt.
I’d rather have been without a number of my experiences you imagine I’ve not yet had.
I'm a theif
I took all you gave me
and threw it in the street
Turned my back
A G Em
saying you never gave me enough.
D A G Em
It took tragedy and some tears
D A G C A
to bring me back to my true light
D G D G D C
to bring me back to you.
but still a failure
as I still turn away from you
D A G A D A
You still forgive me as always
D A D A G Em C
You still pick me up whenever I'm down
D A D G C
You still give me everything.
D A G
I'm sorry it takes a tragedy
D A G Em A
To turn this tragedy around...
I do not remember the tune anymore, or the speed. in fact I forgot I ever wrote this one. But looking back I remember sitting in my room trying to perfect it… not for anyone to ever hear but God. (Note made in April 2010)
the world is killin’ itself now.
Kids huntin’ kids down
because of a preppy image.
Can’t they see the image don’t matter anyhow?
You’re killing yourself in the end now
15 dead, more left bleeding.
Your bullets are killing the ones you love as well.
Couldn’t you see
the troubles that would come to be?
Now your already hurting kind
suffers from the pains you’ve caused.
Don’t you see America Crying?
It’s been years since the blood was shed
A new generation borne of a past one’s tears
Parents now worry of sending kids to school
after all even safe places aren’t safe
and “no guns” signs mean nothing.
Still your generation weeps as it moves on into the world
don’t you know you killed their spirits?
We’re still bleeding as our scars will never heal
with all the pain you’ve caused
Will we ever be able to deal
while everyone screams get over it
I know I cannot; knowing that
you killed them for the image.
While it will never really matter
the image matters anyhow
you killed yourself in the end anyways
Over 15 dead and millions left bleeding
you left America Crying
crying over Columbine.
I wish I could find some words
which could tell you how,
I wish I could tell you now,
If you only could see through my eyes,
feel through my heart,
and maybe you would see,
the love held within for you.
I didn’t think it possible, but I love you.
Never even dreamt it,
until it happened, I love you.
I doubt I’ll ever find the words,
to explain how I feel,
I just know that,
I love you.
They’re the only words I have
the only ones I can give
the only ones I can see
are the right ones to tell you
how I feel.
So hold on to
and please accept
these small words I give to you
I love you.
I miss you
when you aren’t around
please take me
to that place
that special place inside
I imagine you’re holding me
I dream of you holding me
making a bad day turn to an awesome night
making painful tears disappear
hold me up now
I’m afraid to fall
hold me up now
I’m afraid of it all
hold me up
and protect me
come and take me
I’m yours anyways
You say “I wish I could take you away from all your pain.”
I say “don’t bother”
Take me away from it,
I hate living in all the hurt ,
I hate making you hurt from hearing my woes,
Angel, just hold me
Dove, just love me
just make it all disappear
like it all does when you are near
be near me,
make it disappear,
when you want to take me away,
ignore it when I say don’t bother
and take me away.