Tag Archives: friends

Harvest Feast, Halloween, and Hanging out…

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I know I am petty bad about updating this thing, but really my blog its more for me than anyone else… If you choose to read it I do appreciate it, but really it is primarily a way for me to sort my thoughts out…

Since the breakup a lot has gone on, and yet not much at all… But life is starting to look up. I’ve been growing inside, which is great, I’ve seen a lot of good stuff happening around me… then again I guess there’s a lot of heart aches too.

I know the Jason is hurting and that kills me. I hate seeing a friend going through so much pain and knowing that it is my doing. but I have to be true to myself… and even Jason admits that he was trying to change me.

So Halloween went pretty well, I spent the weekend with Hengist, Mira, Thorolf, and Sabrina… It was really nice having us all together all weekend. On friday night we all went up to a Halloween party at a friend’s house in Bremerton. I ended up dressing as “Rosie the Rivitor”… Even loaned me an aluminum pipe wrench that totally made the costume… And I got to see a bunch of my friends that I haven’t seen in way too long. It was really a blessing.

Saturday we all went to another party in Seattle… And there I got to see a bunch more of my SCA friends that I haven’t seen in months or in a couple of cases a few years (along side the usual suspects of course)… This time I borrowed one of Mira’s costumes and so I was an “anarchy cheerleader.” Yet again we all got goofy and had a great time…

Strangely enough, Sunday everything was pretty tame… Mira had a belly dancing show scheduled at Karma in Puyallup, and Sabrina headed back home to Yakima. So Hengist, Mira, Thorolf and I went to the show where we saw Dana also… But the venue was putty barren so we just ate a nice indian food dinner… (lamb vindaloo – yum!) Mira want feeling too hot anyways, so it was probably good that she didn’t dance.

On monday, I woke up sicker than snot with a fever… And I have spent the whole week in bed recovering… It’s a brutal bug this year, almost everyone we saw this weekend caught some variation of it (lucky butts Sabrina and Thorolf exempt)…

I was capable of functioning about midday friday which is good because I discovered a horrible lump on Moses’s torso… so by the generous grace of Sven and Anne, we took Mo to the vet. The very want quite sure what was going on, but after he took some fluid from the limp he saw it was infected so mo got a shot of strong antibiotics which have been helping immensely…

Moses is still having thyroid troubles,  so we adjusted his meds a bit, hopefully that helps with his neurological problems, but he is ever too skinny… He only weighed in at 9.1 lbs when he should be somewhere around 16 lbs…. So somehow we have to get him eating enough food to start putting on the weight. Wish him luck, he needs it.

Saturday was harvest feast… Which was okay, but Hengist and Mira didn’t go because they couldn’t eat anything on the menu (stupid gluten), and Sven didn’t go because he was a groomsman in a wedding. Feasts are so bunch more fun with them there…

After harvest feast Thorolf and I went to an after party which was pretty tame (that was preferable though) and later we went to see my friends the Hard Money Saints, and James Hunnicutt play at a bar just past the Roy Y. It was great seeing James, Jack, Mondo and Nick after so long… Kinda weird wearing my viking garb to the trail end of a rockabilly show, but all was good. Lastly we hit up Walmart to pick up some last-minute toys for tots donations then home…

I think I did way too much because I’m feeling pretty icky again (or still) but it has been great seeing all my friends I have been missing. Kills like I may have some photocopy gigs coming up possibly too to help concert my gas bill a bit better… Which is a relief… But a real job is priority…

Also congrats go to my cousin who had her baby… He is a cutie-pie although I have never met him because I have been sick… And I have a phone interview on the 12th.. So wish me luck with that… I have been out of work so long… I’m stir crazy…

I feel like I’m figuring myself out which is exactly what I need to do… Still waiting on my final “no”from the military, and if that happens I will look into counseling to help sort me out memtally a bit more… I think it could be of great value…

I’ll try to keep this a bit more updated… It’s good for me to write out my thoughts, and if you care to read my ramblings, great! If not, oh well… like I said this is mostly for me!

Learning to Dream again…

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Recently I have spent a good amount of my time focusing on developing my life goals and dreams. Sad to say, it seems that I have greatly lapsed in this skill since my school days, so now I am starting over from scratch as an adult. So the following are some questions I have snagged from Ravi Vora. I do not know him personally, however, I did find the post I have linked to particularly helpful in stimulate my brain back into dreaming big once again. So without further ado, here goes!

Q: If you had $100 million dollars what would you do? Money is no issue. just imagine what you would do with your life if money didn’t matter.

A: I would freely give back to all of my friends who have helped me along the way so far repaying their endless generosity with interest and enjoy changing their lives for the better as they have for me in the past. I would also have my own family and raise my children up teaching them about the world by showing them through travel and historical study. I want to be able to support any and all of their talents so that they can make a name for themselves.

Q: What do you think about when you think about Nothing? I believe that when you think about nothing, you are thinking about what you love. When I lay down at night and clear my head for sleep, something always comes rushing back in. The things I love most.

A: When I clear my head an think about nothing, the things that most often cross my mind are having a fmaily and raising them. I also think about having the time and money to adequately enjoy my hobbies and passions like my Viking Age reenactment, building guitars, and my photography. Mostly my thoughts are centered around raising my family to enjoy my passions with me.

Q: What makes you happy every day? Just one thing, however big or small. Expand upon this and you will be closer to figuring out your dream.

A: Jason make me happy every day by letting me know that I am loved and cherished. he makes me feel as it his love and blind affection are completely unconditional for me. All I’ve ever really wanted is to love and be loved and he provides me with this every day.

Q: If you had 60 minutes to live what would you do? Sometimes in your last moments you make crazy decisions. These are our gut instincts and can be associated to our big dream.

A: I would gather my dearest friends and relatives and tell them all that I love them. I would hope that Jason would honor my by marrying me (before God) before I die and spend my last moments with the family that loves me wholly and completely.

Q: What is one thing about your life that you would change right now? Got it? Now change it.

A: I would fix my finances and be ready to get married… I want a family and the love that I believe I will be able to express once I get to have a family of my own.

Q: How do you define success? From having a million stamps to having a million friends on Facebook, success is a general term that each of us define for ourselves. Once you know what your definition of success is, you will be able to go for it.

A: I believe that someone  is successful when they have found what  is meaningful in their lives and have afforded themselves the opportunity to balance that with their spirituality and home life. This also means that one has found a functional and lawful way of achieving this in society.

Q: If you wrote your autobiography, how would you want people to remember you? If you want people to remember you a hero, then start working towards that goal.

A: I want to be remembered as someone who has overcome the many turmoils in life and loved freely, laughed, often and gave much to the world.

Q: If you could visit one place in the world, where would it be? Making a concrete choice will lead you to what you need and will start to drive you towards that place.

A: For me it is hard to choose just one place. But I guess where I would like to go most of all someday is to Disneyland with my (future) family. I want to show them the place where everyone can be a child just like my father showed me.

Q: What is one thing that interests you more than anything else? Whether it’s a hobby, and object, or a person, there’s something you’re interested in so much that it drives you. figure out why you are so interested in it and you will find your big dream.

A: The one thing that drives me is the idea of having a family, Raising them and loving them. I’m interested in it because I love and want to be loved without it ever being circumstantial.

Q: What do you hate doing? Sometimes you can find what you want to do by eliminating what you dislike doing.

A: I hate when I am forced to be false and work below my skill level. I don’t like fulfilling obligations to those who belittle me because in the end they are always going to tear me down.

Q: Who do you admire most? If they have what you want then maybe they are living your dream (or have lived it). Figure out how to live that dream too.

A: I admire those who are able to love, be loved, and love themselves freely. I admire those who have a healthy and happy family life

Q: What is one thing you would change about the world? Now go change it.

A: I’d change all the propaganda that teaches people to be one thing or another because society says so rathewr than to follow their passions and fulfill their responsibilities to God and their loved ones.

Q: What are you doing when you feel the most alive? Is it  skydiving? Writing? Speaking in front of people? Whatever gives you the thrill of living is a great indication as to what you want to really do with your life.

A: I feel the most alive when I am able to forget all the many demons in my life and rather spend my time freely loving on those who deserve it and return their love to me as well.

Q: What was the happiest moment of your life? Find a way to make that moment last the rest of your life.

A: I don’t think it’s happened yet, but rather is going to happen wen I can finally say I have a family.

Q: What is one thing you would change about your past? When we look into our past, we can see what will affect our future. So you can either figure out a way to make that a positive part of your past, or learn from it and move forward. Either way, you’re finding the change to point to your dream.

A: I would have appreciated my family more when we actually got along in my youth. I wish I could have known what I would be mission before it was actually missing.

And Now for Something Completely Different…

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Okay well maybe not completely different, probably just more of the same really. My life is changing more and more… it’s just crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am in this endless cycle that just repeats itself over and over again only with different names, places, and faces. yet now this time it’s a lot of the same names and faces… but all in different contexts…

So, I guess I will start on the religious front. I have been growing and growing in the lord which is awesome, but I guess that  couldn’t last too long without a struggle… so here it is; Spiritual warfare, and it sucks. My whole world has been falling down around me and my health is failing alongside it all.  Jason has been doing everything he can to try to help keep me afloat and growing — and his efforts have made a significant difference. I feel bad though because I know he wants to be my hero and fix it all and unfortunately he can’t. I am so afraid that I will drag him down with me. He keeps telling me its okay, but I know it affects him which worries me… I hate to see him hurting and I hate being a burden as well.

This is not my first bout of spiritual warfare since I accepted Christ back into my heart, I had a huge bout of it while I was in STC (Special Training Company) at Boot Camp. My SDI (Senior Drill instructor) and Chaplain helped me though it which was awesome… they kept me out of MHU (Mental Health Unit) for the duration of my stay there, a lot of my problems was indeed my health back then as well. Truth is I haven’t been 100% since before boot camp.I wasn’t healing and then I started having nightmares… HORRIBLE nightmares… The most vivid was the one that liked to repeat itself regularly…

WARNING: The following paragraph is very graphic skip to the next paragraph if you cannot handle gory creepy evil stuff…

In my nightmares I would dream of this post apocalyptic world where demon-zombie entities terrorized those of us who were left… It was more vivid than any horror movie has ever been and probably ever will be. They would attack innocent people and commit the worst atrocities. the most vivid image that still terrorizes me from time to time was when I witnessed (in my dream of course) one of these evil entities ripping a woman’s unborn child from her womb and devouring in front of her before consuming her piece by piece as well… It was stuff like that constantly terrorized my dreams…

So my SDI allowed me and a select few other girls who had a strong grasp on our Marine Corps “knowledge” (aka all the textbook type stuff they teach you at boot camp i/e history, customs, specs, etc.) to read novels during our study times in order to keep us motivated (and in my case sane)… It helped immensely. My Chaplain gave me various verses to reference and helped distract me with a small bible collection in my footlocker of all the free versions he was given to distribute to recruits… along with a number of tracts and whatnot…  It’s amazing how those simple small things got me though it all.

But now this is different, I am in the real world not sheltered from society and protected like I was at Recruit training… now I have to worry about money, rent, and food. Now I have a dog that depends on me. Moses Helps me through it all now… When I have my night terrors (although the dreams tend to be flashbacks of my father’s suicide and/or alternate realities where I am tormented by my family and my memories, and my current life situations… Very much like the trippy dreams in the movie Shutter Island.

The dreams aren’t the only thing attacking me either. I am battling a waking depression that has slowly seeped in and took a hold of me while I was on a business trip to Yakima last week and tried to get me on Sunday while I was at church. It was so bad in fact that I just sat down when I was helping Jason set up for Sunday School and zoned out… Church helped in the end, Rex (our pastor) gave a great sermon that used the example of a Simpsons episode and how it is important to lead by example and to be missionaries… Living the Christian lifestyle… It lightened the load very much, however, I still feel this ever-tightening noose… And it’s everything for me to not crack at times.

But I do know this, I will get though it. God will prevail as he always does. And most importantly I know that God is in fact on my side…

And now for something kind of related but still completely different…

In reference to my failing health; It’s a bleeping mystery. I’ve had this rash that started when I was sick back in January and it has just been getting exponentially worse as I go along. While I was in Yakima I started getting sicker with my stomach problem (which is still not ‘cured’ and now I am unable to afford my prescription for Protonix — a 30 day supply for the GENERIC is over $120!) and my rash spread ever further and now I have a new symptom, some of the spots actually hurt under the skin… like one of my ribs will get sharp pains and feel like it has cracked or it will have a dull ache for hours at a time without anything even touching it…

So I went to St. Joe’s ER last night and had them look at it all.. They weren’t at all concerned about my generally feeling ill and nauseous so much as the rash that covers my body from toe to scalp. Truth is they had no clue as to what to diagnose me as… So they concluded that it was “dermatitis” (which is a fancy word for “rash”) and sent me home with a few prescriptions for anti inflammitories and benedryl for itching… I am also to see a dermatologist ASAP so I have an Appointment for Thursday… Hopefully they will be able to figure it all out then… I pray it is not too serious.

I also need to quit my job. When they hired me they told me it was a M-F 9-6 job that also required 2 Saturdays a month… However in reality I am driving a shit ton and my car is taking a beating for it, I am not getting paid even remotely adequate for gas, and I am working 10-12 hours for only 8 hours a day. I cannot do this and I cannot find another Job while doing this, so I have to quit… I mean this job has me literally losing my hair!!!!

So yeah, as it stands I am looking at unemployment in the eye, I need to find a new place for me and Moses to live, (although that is somewhat handled… ) and I still don’t know what is wrong with me… on the plus side? I have Jason, and I love him, and he loves me and takes such good care of me… He’s a real source of strength and wonder for me… it’s amazing!

The truth is out; I love him…

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So yesterday I had one of those overbearing feelings of dread… like something horrible happened or something… I had to see David (aka Spyder). I needed to know he was okay and well just to feel better which seeing his face does to me. Anyways when I txted him a message saying I was having a “feeling” he jumped right online to help me through it… no questions. He wanted to be there for me.

He’s always been there in those moments… from the moment I met him… it’s glorious… So I went through all of those crazy thoughts in my head; My father’s suicide… in front of me… How talking with him has uprooted my feelings that existed for him back in the day… How my ex lied, cheated, stole, and abused me… but none of that was it… nor was it my fear of his rejection when he finally does see me again soon… maybe Christmas, maybe my PTSD acting up…

Then he said somethins extrodinary….

look, we have a looooooooooooong history. we are gonna start at the bottom and work our way up. to slowly ease into this. which i feel could be…well, it could be it. yoou could be the one. i never wanna hurt you. sometimes it does happen unknowingly. and i wanna do my best to make sure you never frown. things are gonna happen, good or bad, it’s a matter of how you see them through. i’ve always loved you and thought of you as family. now, a different kind, heehee. but i will always ALWAYS be there for you as a friend and would never want to jeopardize that. and as for your father, i might be outta place, i understand what happened to you was VERY tramatic, VERY. but don’t hold onto what happened for something to push others away or to make yourself sink deeper. it’s like when I lost Riley … you learn from it and carry that knowledge with you your whole life. never look back on loved ones and their actions as something to be feared or hated … carry love in your heart always, you know very well, better than most, that shit really happens, in abundance, and i wanna be the one to help you through it … you gotta live for the now and the future, never the past … [Y]ou are beautiful, inside and out

This man is amazing… I love him… and I told him, and relief came; and so here it is… a young, old love… It’s special… like it was with Noah… that deeper feeling.. but maybe because it is so new??? -ish??? I mean I have always loved him as a friend… but it’s much more complicated than that now…. I have this feeling… like he is the one…. my someone just for me… Maybe I had to go through all my knocks to get this… it’s glorious… Now to just survive the military and long distance…. I think we will do okay… We just have to worry about time… and find out who each of us has and is becoming…

He’s more amazing than ever but i am also trying to keep my head out of the stars…

I’ve been thinking a lot… (a letter to Noah)

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I would be nothing of who I am right now without you… Yet strangely enough one of my best friends from High school and beyond has come along and I think it’ll work… even if it is long distance while we’re in the military… (yeah I am going back… It’s unfinished business now…)

We would’ve been great together; and I know we would have made it work… we could have been happy too. I am fairly confdent in that; and with that I will always love you… and you will always be the father of my first child… Nothing will change that. We loved it that much I know… For the first time since we lost our baby i am pretty sure I am going to be okay. I still wish I had tried harder for us and didn’t run; but I think that fate decided it had something different in store for us when I did.

I know you are doing good for yourself and you’re gonna be okay; but if you EVER need me I am here… there’s that bond we share that can’t be destroyed… circumstances don’t allow a close friendship so much; but you will always be in my thoughts and in my heart.

I am getting an orchid on my ankle for our baby. I want you to know. It’s not fair we lost it. there is nothing fair about it…. and the bond that child made from me to you will ever keep you tied to me; but please, do me a favor and make sure you are happy; find yourself the right girl if you find you aren’t already with her… (I think you just might be…) and make lots of little noahs…. the world needs more of you in it.

We never talked about losing it though; not really. I think we should have; maybe we still should… either way I will always be here for you… no matter the circumstance, no matter where I am, I will do whatever I can to help you… And plus; I still owe you and dusty a beer.

I hope this letter isn’t overwhelming; the content isn’t very light… but I needed to get it off my chest. I’m forever bonded to you in some special way and I know that I want you happy…

Best wishes Noah; my forever friend.

~KD

Lord Defender’s Update…

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Had a good time at Lord D, a crazy Friday leading into it (I’ll tell you later) but a good weekend overall… Sven, Anne, Atli, and I were all trailer trash this weekend (Didn’t want to have to pack up wet tents) so that worked out… and we had places to throw the puppies unsupervised for feasts and whatnot.

It was nice to have a full event to myself without having to leave to go to work or anything else like that… so I am happy there. Got to spend some time with Atli again… I miss him so much when he is up north… but I guess that is just how it has to be you know? Hengis decided that he would enjoy his birthday present from Atli a little early and was passed out by 4pm on Saturday so I missed hanging out with him… I know Atli missed him too… but we made do… and Mira took good care of him so that is happy…

It was a small event which also led to minimal drama so that is great… I have needed a full event for some time so that is nice too.

On the topic of my obscene need for Atli, I talked with Mira for a good while and basically came to (my own conclusion she was just the supportive listening ear) that I am gonna take anything he offers me and enjoy all of it for what it is worth… Given that I need to focus on starting school, this is going to be a lot easier than I anticipated… I still love him… but I want he to have the best version of me so that’s what I am working on… and if we can enjoy each other in the process, spiffy…

I definitely needed a good event…

grr…

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How come stupid people always have to ruin fun times for everyone else??? It’s not fair!!!

I’ve been looking forward to my plans for this evening all week… and even when I had a hard day I kept a good attitude… but now they get cancelled because some stupid cumsucker wanted to fight.

I even cleaned my bathroom to pass the time until I got my chance for fun tonight! *pout*

So… I will sit and brood now…

*brood… brood… brood….*

Back at Jenny Craig again….

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So I haven’t been updating line I should have been lately….

That job I started was deplorable; they broke every labor law I can think of… so I left after the first day… Screw them.. I have too much self-respect for that…. (it’s a long story but I am over it already)

As soon as I notified the company that it wasn’t going to work out I go t calls for two interviews… (Seriously within two hours) One was a casual meet and greet thing up in Lynnwood, WA for Jenny Craig and the other was for Comcast in Puyallup… Still haven’t heard about the Comcast Job; and it is technically a better job; but we’ll see if that pulls through.

I did get hired back on with Jenny Craig however… so no I am not unemployed… which is wonderful… because I am sick of being a bum… so that works out for me quite well…

I finished that green blanket I was knitting for Roberta.. it is not a nice as I would have liked but I would have liked it to be a little better… oh well, next time… it is still nice… now I have started a scarf for Atli… I am happy about that.. and I finally have a Ravelry account… so I can post my projects on there which is awesome…

Roberta- We still need to meet up for coffee sometime.. but I am working out of Lynnwood so we will have to figure something out that works with both of our schedules… My Boss said that I should have most Fridays off… so maybe then??? I miss you!