Tag Archives: dog

And Now for Something Completely Different…

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Okay well maybe not completely different, probably just more of the same really. My life is changing more and more… it’s just crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am in this endless cycle that just repeats itself over and over again only with different names, places, and faces. yet now this time it’s a lot of the same names and faces… but all in different contexts…

So, I guess I will start on the religious front. I have been growing and growing in the lord which is awesome, but I guess that  couldn’t last too long without a struggle… so here it is; Spiritual warfare, and it sucks. My whole world has been falling down around me and my health is failing alongside it all.  Jason has been doing everything he can to try to help keep me afloat and growing — and his efforts have made a significant difference. I feel bad though because I know he wants to be my hero and fix it all and unfortunately he can’t. I am so afraid that I will drag him down with me. He keeps telling me its okay, but I know it affects him which worries me… I hate to see him hurting and I hate being a burden as well.

This is not my first bout of spiritual warfare since I accepted Christ back into my heart, I had a huge bout of it while I was in STC (Special Training Company) at Boot Camp. My SDI (Senior Drill instructor) and Chaplain helped me though it which was awesome… they kept me out of MHU (Mental Health Unit) for the duration of my stay there, a lot of my problems was indeed my health back then as well. Truth is I haven’t been 100% since before boot camp.I wasn’t healing and then I started having nightmares… HORRIBLE nightmares… The most vivid was the one that liked to repeat itself regularly…

WARNING: The following paragraph is very graphic skip to the next paragraph if you cannot handle gory creepy evil stuff…

In my nightmares I would dream of this post apocalyptic world where demon-zombie entities terrorized those of us who were left… It was more vivid than any horror movie has ever been and probably ever will be. They would attack innocent people and commit the worst atrocities. the most vivid image that still terrorizes me from time to time was when I witnessed (in my dream of course) one of these evil entities ripping a woman’s unborn child from her womb and devouring in front of her before consuming her piece by piece as well… It was stuff like that constantly terrorized my dreams…

So my SDI allowed me and a select few other girls who had a strong grasp on our Marine Corps “knowledge” (aka all the textbook type stuff they teach you at boot camp i/e history, customs, specs, etc.) to read novels during our study times in order to keep us motivated (and in my case sane)… It helped immensely. My Chaplain gave me various verses to reference and helped distract me with a small bible collection in my footlocker of all the free versions he was given to distribute to recruits… along with a number of tracts and whatnot…  It’s amazing how those simple small things got me though it all.

But now this is different, I am in the real world not sheltered from society and protected like I was at Recruit training… now I have to worry about money, rent, and food. Now I have a dog that depends on me. Moses Helps me through it all now… When I have my night terrors (although the dreams tend to be flashbacks of my father’s suicide and/or alternate realities where I am tormented by my family and my memories, and my current life situations… Very much like the trippy dreams in the movie Shutter Island.

The dreams aren’t the only thing attacking me either. I am battling a waking depression that has slowly seeped in and took a hold of me while I was on a business trip to Yakima last week and tried to get me on Sunday while I was at church. It was so bad in fact that I just sat down when I was helping Jason set up for Sunday School and zoned out… Church helped in the end, Rex (our pastor) gave a great sermon that used the example of a Simpsons episode and how it is important to lead by example and to be missionaries… Living the Christian lifestyle… It lightened the load very much, however, I still feel this ever-tightening noose… And it’s everything for me to not crack at times.

But I do know this, I will get though it. God will prevail as he always does. And most importantly I know that God is in fact on my side…

And now for something kind of related but still completely different…

In reference to my failing health; It’s a bleeping mystery. I’ve had this rash that started when I was sick back in January and it has just been getting exponentially worse as I go along. While I was in Yakima I started getting sicker with my stomach problem (which is still not ‘cured’ and now I am unable to afford my prescription for Protonix — a 30 day supply for the GENERIC is over $120!) and my rash spread ever further and now I have a new symptom, some of the spots actually hurt under the skin… like one of my ribs will get sharp pains and feel like it has cracked or it will have a dull ache for hours at a time without anything even touching it…

So I went to St. Joe’s ER last night and had them look at it all.. They weren’t at all concerned about my generally feeling ill and nauseous so much as the rash that covers my body from toe to scalp. Truth is they had no clue as to what to diagnose me as… So they concluded that it was “dermatitis” (which is a fancy word for “rash”) and sent me home with a few prescriptions for anti inflammitories and benedryl for itching… I am also to see a dermatologist ASAP so I have an Appointment for Thursday… Hopefully they will be able to figure it all out then… I pray it is not too serious.

I also need to quit my job. When they hired me they told me it was a M-F 9-6 job that also required 2 Saturdays a month… However in reality I am driving a shit ton and my car is taking a beating for it, I am not getting paid even remotely adequate for gas, and I am working 10-12 hours for only 8 hours a day. I cannot do this and I cannot find another Job while doing this, so I have to quit… I mean this job has me literally losing my hair!!!!

So yeah, as it stands I am looking at unemployment in the eye, I need to find a new place for me and Moses to live, (although that is somewhat handled… ) and I still don’t know what is wrong with me… on the plus side? I have Jason, and I love him, and he loves me and takes such good care of me… He’s a real source of strength and wonder for me… it’s amazing!

Here’s a quickie…

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So here’s a quick update (As I need to get all of my homework finished by Autumn War… Summer Quarter is almost over.. I am hoping I make honor roll for the first time since high school. (I did get my diploma with “High Honors” Just so you know…) I don’t know if I Will be able to pull A’s out of all three of my classes, but I should be able to pull them out of my Math and Computers Classes hopefully… At least it is a start right???

Other than that my life has been centered around work and homework… no time even for another date with Allen… but then again it’s not like we are really a couple anyways… So yeah… That’s where it stands so far…

I have been taking the time to start reading for personal enjoyment again as well… I borrowed a great book from the public library called “What Southern Women Know (That Every Woman Should)” it’s really got some great advice for putting on the “Southern charm” I am hoping to soften my hard edges some and become more ladylike… and this one’s a good reference point… I know that when I was in all the fancy rich hospitals and medical centers throughout the southwest while I was at boot there was a definite charm to the women there that I could really take to. Everyone was so nice; even if they were only meeting me for a second… I guess that is just a little piece of that southern hospitality…

Well, I am going to let you go, Keep checking back for more!!!

P.S. To those concerned Moses is well. I got him a 3 foot long “bully” stick and he’d been happy as a clam gnawing away at that when he is not licking my feet…

Apparently the Few and The Proud are over-staffed..

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So I had a date with Allen again last night. I drove there straight after work and we were both kind of burnt out when I finally go there… We had planned on dinner and a movie… but by the time we finished dinner (yummy Thai food!) We decided to just get some frozen yogurt and go back to his place to watch DVDs and hit the rack… So we did just that. I ordered too much frozen yogurt… I was hoping it would taste as strong and tart as Pinkberry or Yogurtland; but Alas TCBY has yet to figure that one out…

We went back home and tried to watch young Frankenstein (possibly my favorite movie…) Allen hasn’t seen it… I was dumbstruck! So we tried to watch it but he fell asleep about halfway through and I wasn’t far behind… I love snuggling with him at night… the only thing better is when I got Moses there also… (He wakes me up from my nightmares)

So we had to wake up early as Allen was road-tripping with his roommate back to Spokane to visit the family and such… so I hit the road back for home… I decided to stop into the Marine Corps Recruiters and asked them about my reenlistment eligibility… I am seriously considering DEP-ing in again… they told me that they are having trouble with even getting single waivers through let alone someone like me who is going to require a good number of waivers… I want my Eagle, Globe and Anchor… I need it. My life keeps fizzling out down here and I need to do something about it…

So they said that the Marine corps is essentially over-staffed… which is BULLSHIT!!! I am so ticked off right now I can hardly contain myself… I want to have a good life and while I know school is the right thing for me I also know that I could be very well served by the Corps… they did tell me to check in in Oct, as it is a new fiscal year… so I will have to do that… Hopefully I will be able to get DEP-ed in… either way I think I will start training for it… You know? I need to start working out more anyways…

So I found my little training book for prepping for Boot camp.. I think I will use it… It’s a really good system and helps cover a lot of good stuff… which reminds me I also need to sign up for the Gym at my school… and I also need to check on my Financial Aid… it’s now a month late… This is out of hand… I am really getting tired of worrying about money.

Well, talk at y’all later!

Lord Defender’s Update…

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Had a good time at Lord D, a crazy Friday leading into it (I’ll tell you later) but a good weekend overall… Sven, Anne, Atli, and I were all trailer trash this weekend (Didn’t want to have to pack up wet tents) so that worked out… and we had places to throw the puppies unsupervised for feasts and whatnot.

It was nice to have a full event to myself without having to leave to go to work or anything else like that… so I am happy there. Got to spend some time with Atli again… I miss him so much when he is up north… but I guess that is just how it has to be you know? Hengis decided that he would enjoy his birthday present from Atli a little early and was passed out by 4pm on Saturday so I missed hanging out with him… I know Atli missed him too… but we made do… and Mira took good care of him so that is happy…

It was a small event which also led to minimal drama so that is great… I have needed a full event for some time so that is nice too.

On the topic of my obscene need for Atli, I talked with Mira for a good while and basically came to (my own conclusion she was just the supportive listening ear) that I am gonna take anything he offers me and enjoy all of it for what it is worth… Given that I need to focus on starting school, this is going to be a lot easier than I anticipated… I still love him… but I want he to have the best version of me so that’s what I am working on… and if we can enjoy each other in the process, spiffy…

I definitely needed a good event…

Twilight and other random crap

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So I figure i should probably update this again…. the economy’s hitting way too close to home… Life hasn’t been this hard to live in years… I question my ability to make it on my own without a close partner in it anymore… and even then I imagine it being hard as hell still… Been sick a lot lately and can’t afford the meds to absolve some of the symptoms (like my sinus headaches) so I feel like am am losing a long held battle… but then again I have a real crappy immune system so that should probably account for something right???

So my job is on the line… If I so much as take a sick day it is all over… I am so stressed out… but my bosses are compassionate women… if they see me really sick and suffering I cannot imagine them keeping me there unnecessarily so I guess I should not stress it too much… life is just so darn crazy and frustrating right now…

I just finished reading the Twilight series and found it to be rather good… I noticed that the books developed and evolved very much the way that life does… maiden, mother, and crone or something like that… and it was comforting to be able to disappear into another world for a while… especially with mine getting so nutty as of late. I still find it funny how people have pilgrimages to Forks… that little nothing town… the books said it like it was a miserable wet place on the Olympic Peninsula… yet somehow people want to go see this little town… I remember the girls in California all excited to go… and when I told them that it was dirt and trees they laughed at me saying that it was nothing like that…. the book said practically the same thing! silly nut-jobs… you fell in love with the vampires and whatnot… i have some bad news for you — no Vampires… it was just a wonderful tale woven within the author’s imagination…

But getting back to reading again did kind of bring something out of me that I have not considered in years… My writing… I have always wanted to be a writer of sorts… but life got in the way and I got out of practice… I am thinking that maybe I should start writing some more… get back into the swing of things and see how it goes… maybe start with a few short stories and see what happens from there…

Maybe I will post some of that stuff up here… maybe not… who knows…

As for my idiot dog… he’s adjusting to this house quite well although he does drive me batty from time to time… I cannot go anywhere without him which has put a damper on my social life… Anne suggested we put him on some people meds for OCD in doggie doses… maybe that is what the little psycho needs… but as it stands I can hardly afford to feed him and I so that may still be a ways off… oh well — I need to focus on work as it stands anyways…

idk… maybe I will get to that writing now… see what happens….

Happy New Year…

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So New years has come again…. and of course I have not updated my blog in quite some time… it’s not that I don’t think of it; it’s just that I get distracted too easily…

Working at Jenny is going okay although I was hoping to be promoted again by now… I live in Marysville now with my neurotic dachshund named Moses… (I doubt I would have named him that… but honestly another name hasn’t crossed my mind… he seems to recognize his name any ways… but then again he an answers to ‘tard, pain-in-the-ass, and many more much more vulgar names that I really shouldn’t call a dog that was rescued from abuse…

I’m trying to train him as well… it’s gonna be long and hard… I am thinking that I will start him in obedience school when I get the chance… I can tell he wants to be a good dog… he just doesn’t know how in all situations… So long as I am around he is generally behaved…

As for resolutions and whatnot, I have a few…

First; I want to get fit again… better than last year…. I want to be able to pass a PFT by the end of the year… in that case if I go for the military again I can do it… According to my old recruiters I just need a few waivers and to be more fit to show some initiative and prevent repeat injuries. I do want to go… but I don;Ft know if I can give up my family/friends here long enough to do it… and now I have a dog to worry about too…

Along those same lines I want to start doing Yoga… SDI SSgt. Mosqueda was so passionate about it and how good it is for you that I’m gonna believe her. She taught me so much… about the world and myself… If only I could have just listened to her and trusted her… everything she told us was right… I wasn’t in any damn special circumstances… I should have known that… I mean sure my injuries cause some special circumstances… but not anything else beyond that. I’ve sent her letters to thank her… but who knows if she got them. She changed my life.

And more on with the body…. I want to get back down to 120 or less… I need to do something because I really let myself go in CA… I was so depressed… I just don’t know how I let him control my life for that long…

I’m also working on my knitting more… I got this knitting book called ‘Domiknitrix’ and it basically inspired me to get more serious about it and fix all my errors as they go… I can honestly say that it’s good… my knitting is steadily improving and I am very happy for it…

John (aka “Atli”) and I are still seeing each other… It’s kinda nice being in the same region for the most part now… because it takes less planning to get together… he’s still quiet as hell but I guess he will always be that way… There is just something about him and the way he is that makes certain seemingly small moments monumental… a long phone call while I was browsing in a craft store… resting his head on my shoulder for just a moment, when he has a toothy smile (not often enough) just sitting quietly together… not saying anything… and Swedish pancakes… always! lol

Life isn’t so bad… but I did see some interesting stuff on the freeway today… Boulders that had fallen onto the road that were bigger than I am tall… it was crazy… they just flattened the guard rail… I have never seen anything like it… and to see from where they fell so high up… I mean wow… Nature is one mighty force… and the flooding in Arlington is all the way to I-5… I’ve only seen it on TV and stuff… seeing it in real life less then 10 feet away and rising up and coming after you in something else….kinda scary…. I can say I have new respect for floods… they are something that scares me.

Time flys when you have none….

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So I have been pathetically busy working 7 days a week.. It is Easter today… which I don’t honestly give a care about as I am neither Christian or a Bunny Lover…. but that does practically guarantee me more chocolate from my mommy (who strangely enough I can manage to get along with okay now…) so that is a plus. When I have kids though… I expect to go all out with Easter egg hunts and everything… so that is happy.

Speaking of kids… I have known for some time that I cannot see my life as anything close to fulfilled until I have some spawnlings of my own (although I will not be having them out of wedlock as I really want to try for that ideal nuclear family concept as much as possible. A whole bunch of ideas and concepts have come rushing in and out of my mind as to what I want to do with my life…

So as you all know I work for Warmoth Guitar Parts Inc. which elates me. I have never found such joy in a job… ever… and I know that building and repairs is what I want to do with my life (besides that whole nuclear family thing that I just mentioned)

While I was hired to work in the finishing shop; they revised some methods up in the shop and found that they didn’t really need me there… which is fine by me so long as I am working on guitars… ANYWAYS… I’ve been kinda playing the role of shop bitch moving from section to section and task to task doing whatever was needed whenever it was needed… anyways the Fret Crew kept claiming me in the evenings and then just kind of absorbed me about two and a half weeks ago.. which is great.. I really like the guys on fret crew.. we get along, crack jokes, and all that fun stuff. They are cool about my ‘production levels’ too they realize that I try to go as fast as I can without sacrificing quality… so they don’t really ever have to tell me to speed up (Unlike when I was in finishing and my best was horrible and I would get fired if I didn’t speed up… that is not really a great motivator ya know?) So anyways, I have been there and doing a great job according to Rob… The only problem is I still am always late… I don’t quite get it… *sigh* I hope that that isn’t my downfall… Rob is begging the boss man for me to be officially on Fret crew Full time… *Crosses fingers* I hope that would work out…

So the other guy on fret crew is Jason… and he went to Summit Luthier’s School on Vancouver Is. (Canada) he put the idea in my head that I should consider going to Luther’s school… he gave me a few schools to look up and I went so far as to research every school I could possibly find… and I have decided I really like the ideas of going to Summit for a year, (Which would also include an internship for a month in Sweden…. very valuable on a resume) and also there is another school in Michigan… which has a six month master’s program which also spends time focusing on the business aspects of building… The cost for it is appx. $17,500 plus living expenses (Housing is free) and Summit (1 yr.) is close to $33,000 plus living expenses (Housing is free again) So I think I really want to do it… I would prefer Summit due to it’s location should something happen ’round here… and the internship, but $ is an issue as well… As for Michigan, It’s appealing as well… costs less, and I could use the lessons on the business ends of it all as well… I told my mom and she freaked out… she was saying shit like an Ivy league education would cost less (which is BS) but I really want to do it… so it’s a matter of student loans… But first I wait… I want to see how Warmoth pans out and stay there for a year or so if I can… yeah…

In the realm of my personal life.. I have managed to stay single (which is good) I still miss Mikol is a pathetic sort of way… I managed to stay with him a year and a half… but at the same time I am thinking I was just a game to him… He text messaged me a ways back… acting concerned at first… asking if I was okay (Because I hadn’t talked to him since shortly after valentines day appx. a month and a half) I told him I was fine… which was a lie… One of the first lies I ever fed him… Why do the good honest people have to be the ones who get hurt like this… He started typing like a gangster and said his new shop was working out okay then got all moody all of a sudden and never replied…. Of course this all sent me into an emotional tailspin… go figure

In the two or so weeks prior I had been spending a good amount of time with Andy (Ty’s roommate) and kinda started crushing on him… and as far as I was aware it was mutual… but he knew that I was working on getting over Mikol too… it’s kinda sad, one night he looked at me (We were watching a movie at his house in his room) and said “You still love him.” It was quite somber… I don’t like somber… I don’t like having people point out my broken heart… Some days I wonder if it will ever get better… but anyways… Mikol’s messaging escapade was just the catalyst I needed to start moving on… and It appears to be working… but I will be staying single for a while at least… I don’t need to have all the drama that running to some poor nice guy can cause… problem is I like Andy… I had a crush on him when I met him and when I started hanging out with him it started coming back quite promptly… Yes he has some disgusting habits I don’t know if I could live with… but our personalities mesh so well in some ways it is practically disgusting… but sweet an fun at the same time…

So when I found out Queensryche is going to be playing Operation Mindcrime 1 & 2 at the Moore in Oct. I asked him if he wanted to go with me… at the time he said yes… but then as April hit he stopped returning my calls… I bought two tickets for the show and am awaiting whether he just forgot to pay his bill or is ignoring me before I find someone else to go with me… (After all it’s in Oct. so I have some time you know?) *Sigh* he still hasn’t called back though.. so yeah… I’m thinking I should give up on calling him too… I don’t need to get mixed up in those emotions anyways… he was right anyways… as much as I wish I didn’t I still love Mikol.

Loving Mikol doesn’t change anything though… I won’t go back… I want someone who will bother showing up to my life events (Like my birthday) someone who is willing to go out and meet my friends… someone who will go to an event with me just once to try it out before they deem it unworthy… if for no there reason but to show they care. I can’t deny that a I really enjoy being with artists and Musicians it’s just how I am… Like I could never be with some hip-hop gangster thug or something…. It’s just important to me… cant explain it. I just can’t seem to be happy without someone being the creative type you know? Or at least have an extremely strong appreciation for it…

Well I think that is enough for now… I do need to jump in the shower and make sure I am ready to go see my mommy today as It is the only day I have off until the weekend of my birthday and her birthday is tomorrow… so I have a big bag full of presents for her… Some sewing books she can really use, a Dog owners manual (As she is getting a new labradoodle puppy in a week or so) a dog toy, a dog treat (wrapped in 20 or so layers of wrapping paper of course), a nice Vera Bradley purse that will fit her laptop, a Yankee Candle and a cute bar of soap that matched the bag so cute that I had to get it for her… So yeah.. I am a good daughter.

Well I will stop wasting your time (Assuming anyone besides Billy is reading this) Love ya Billy!!!