Tag Archives: doctors

And Now for Something Completely Different…

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Okay well maybe not completely different, probably just more of the same really. My life is changing more and more… it’s just crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am in this endless cycle that just repeats itself over and over again only with different names, places, and faces. yet now this time it’s a lot of the same names and faces… but all in different contexts…

So, I guess I will start on the religious front. I have been growing and growing in the lord which is awesome, but I guess that  couldn’t last too long without a struggle… so here it is; Spiritual warfare, and it sucks. My whole world has been falling down around me and my health is failing alongside it all.  Jason has been doing everything he can to try to help keep me afloat and growing — and his efforts have made a significant difference. I feel bad though because I know he wants to be my hero and fix it all and unfortunately he can’t. I am so afraid that I will drag him down with me. He keeps telling me its okay, but I know it affects him which worries me… I hate to see him hurting and I hate being a burden as well.

This is not my first bout of spiritual warfare since I accepted Christ back into my heart, I had a huge bout of it while I was in STC (Special Training Company) at Boot Camp. My SDI (Senior Drill instructor) and Chaplain helped me though it which was awesome… they kept me out of MHU (Mental Health Unit) for the duration of my stay there, a lot of my problems was indeed my health back then as well. Truth is I haven’t been 100% since before boot camp.I wasn’t healing and then I started having nightmares… HORRIBLE nightmares… The most vivid was the one that liked to repeat itself regularly…

WARNING: The following paragraph is very graphic skip to the next paragraph if you cannot handle gory creepy evil stuff…

In my nightmares I would dream of this post apocalyptic world where demon-zombie entities terrorized those of us who were left… It was more vivid than any horror movie has ever been and probably ever will be. They would attack innocent people and commit the worst atrocities. the most vivid image that still terrorizes me from time to time was when I witnessed (in my dream of course) one of these evil entities ripping a woman’s unborn child from her womb and devouring in front of her before consuming her piece by piece as well… It was stuff like that constantly terrorized my dreams…

So my SDI allowed me and a select few other girls who had a strong grasp on our Marine Corps “knowledge” (aka all the textbook type stuff they teach you at boot camp i/e history, customs, specs, etc.) to read novels during our study times in order to keep us motivated (and in my case sane)… It helped immensely. My Chaplain gave me various verses to reference and helped distract me with a small bible collection in my footlocker of all the free versions he was given to distribute to recruits… along with a number of tracts and whatnot…  It’s amazing how those simple small things got me though it all.

But now this is different, I am in the real world not sheltered from society and protected like I was at Recruit training… now I have to worry about money, rent, and food. Now I have a dog that depends on me. Moses Helps me through it all now… When I have my night terrors (although the dreams tend to be flashbacks of my father’s suicide and/or alternate realities where I am tormented by my family and my memories, and my current life situations… Very much like the trippy dreams in the movie Shutter Island.

The dreams aren’t the only thing attacking me either. I am battling a waking depression that has slowly seeped in and took a hold of me while I was on a business trip to Yakima last week and tried to get me on Sunday while I was at church. It was so bad in fact that I just sat down when I was helping Jason set up for Sunday School and zoned out… Church helped in the end, Rex (our pastor) gave a great sermon that used the example of a Simpsons episode and how it is important to lead by example and to be missionaries… Living the Christian lifestyle… It lightened the load very much, however, I still feel this ever-tightening noose… And it’s everything for me to not crack at times.

But I do know this, I will get though it. God will prevail as he always does. And most importantly I know that God is in fact on my side…

And now for something kind of related but still completely different…

In reference to my failing health; It’s a bleeping mystery. I’ve had this rash that started when I was sick back in January and it has just been getting exponentially worse as I go along. While I was in Yakima I started getting sicker with my stomach problem (which is still not ‘cured’ and now I am unable to afford my prescription for Protonix — a 30 day supply for the GENERIC is over $120!) and my rash spread ever further and now I have a new symptom, some of the spots actually hurt under the skin… like one of my ribs will get sharp pains and feel like it has cracked or it will have a dull ache for hours at a time without anything even touching it…

So I went to St. Joe’s ER last night and had them look at it all.. They weren’t at all concerned about my generally feeling ill and nauseous so much as the rash that covers my body from toe to scalp. Truth is they had no clue as to what to diagnose me as… So they concluded that it was “dermatitis” (which is a fancy word for “rash”) and sent me home with a few prescriptions for anti inflammitories and benedryl for itching… I am also to see a dermatologist ASAP so I have an Appointment for Thursday… Hopefully they will be able to figure it all out then… I pray it is not too serious.

I also need to quit my job. When they hired me they told me it was a M-F 9-6 job that also required 2 Saturdays a month… However in reality I am driving a shit ton and my car is taking a beating for it, I am not getting paid even remotely adequate for gas, and I am working 10-12 hours for only 8 hours a day. I cannot do this and I cannot find another Job while doing this, so I have to quit… I mean this job has me literally losing my hair!!!!

So yeah, as it stands I am looking at unemployment in the eye, I need to find a new place for me and Moses to live, (although that is somewhat handled… ) and I still don’t know what is wrong with me… on the plus side? I have Jason, and I love him, and he loves me and takes such good care of me… He’s a real source of strength and wonder for me… it’s amazing!

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I really need to learn to update this thing semi-regularly….

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So 2010 has already proven to be a somewhat exciting year for me… kind of… but not neccesarily in a good sort of way… So I will start from the beginning…

New Years Eve went over pretty well; my friend Nick came home from Iraq a few days before and had the great taste of turning 21 on Dec 31… So we went to the Grand opening of the new Hell’s Kitchen Down in Downtown Tacoma and saw a number of my friend’s bands including the Atomic Outlaws and The Jet City Fix.
The new venue for Hells Kitchen is alright I guess; but honestly I have so many good memories at the old place; It’s sad it moved… and the acoustics in the new building give me a bit of a headache… (Giant “L” shaped room) although It is nice that there are two bars now… although there really isn’t any space for the lines to go. The show however was pretty good with the exception of a few of the groupies for the Fix… they were a bit pushy to the point that the heel on my new boots broke and I got a few healthy bruises too.. Oh well; those wounds have healed (excepting my boots; I still have to find some place i can get them repaired…).
Unfortunately, after New Years, I got REALLY REALLY sick… Sick to the point that I was bedridden for 2 weeks and in and out of the doctor’s office every 2-3 days. They still haven’t fully figured out what it was; but it’s healing up okay now. There was a strong suspicion of an ulcer due to the fact that I had some internal bleeding in my stomach. However, when I went to the specialist I was already feeling mostly better (finally!) and she said that there was a good chance that is was gastritis… which just means that I have to be good to myself and let it heal…
As for my trying to reenlist in the military; I talked to the recruiters and they said that the MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) doctor said we were missing some papers in my med-read file – namely my separation paperwork and my recent ophthalmological (eye) exam. This doctor is the same slimy doctor that I had to deal with the last time that I enlisted and he tried pulling some really shady shit then too; so keeping my patience is trying… Fortunately my recruiters are pretty cool and they’re resending the same papers again so that he can get the stick out of his ass… So hopefully we will hear something soon about that…
On the heart front I still love Spyder mercilessly…. I wish I could afford to fly down and visit him for just a few days even, or have him come home like I know he really wants to for a little R&R… Just to finally be able to see him hold him and kiss him would mean sooo much to me; but I have to be patient I know.. it just seems that at this rate his enlistment will be over by the time that I am finally going to be able to see him… So I remind myself as I do countless times a day:

“Love is patient, Love is kind.. Love never ends…”

I’ll live…. It’s just the constant waiting that has claimed my life for the time being…. I know I will live; but it just doesn’t seem to get any easier…