Tag Archives: death

The truth is out; I love him…


So yesterday I had one of those overbearing feelings of dread… like something horrible happened or something… I had to see David (aka Spyder). I needed to know he was okay and well just to feel better which seeing his face does to me. Anyways when I txted him a message saying I was having a “feeling” he jumped right online to help me through it… no questions. He wanted to be there for me.

He’s always been there in those moments… from the moment I met him… it’s glorious… So I went through all of those crazy thoughts in my head; My father’s suicide… in front of me… How talking with him has uprooted my feelings that existed for him back in the day… How my ex lied, cheated, stole, and abused me… but none of that was it… nor was it my fear of his rejection when he finally does see me again soon… maybe Christmas, maybe my PTSD acting up…

Then he said somethins extrodinary….

look, we have a looooooooooooong history. we are gonna start at the bottom and work our way up. to slowly ease into this. which i feel could be…well, it could be it. yoou could be the one. i never wanna hurt you. sometimes it does happen unknowingly. and i wanna do my best to make sure you never frown. things are gonna happen, good or bad, it’s a matter of how you see them through. i’ve always loved you and thought of you as family. now, a different kind, heehee. but i will always ALWAYS be there for you as a friend and would never want to jeopardize that. and as for your father, i might be outta place, i understand what happened to you was VERY tramatic, VERY. but don’t hold onto what happened for something to push others away or to make yourself sink deeper. it’s like when I lost Riley … you learn from it and carry that knowledge with you your whole life. never look back on loved ones and their actions as something to be feared or hated … carry love in your heart always, you know very well, better than most, that shit really happens, in abundance, and i wanna be the one to help you through it … you gotta live for the now and the future, never the past … [Y]ou are beautiful, inside and out

This man is amazing… I love him… and I told him, and relief came; and so here it is… a young, old love… It’s special… like it was with Noah… that deeper feeling.. but maybe because it is so new??? -ish??? I mean I have always loved him as a friend… but it’s much more complicated than that now…. I have this feeling… like he is the one…. my someone just for me… Maybe I had to go through all my knocks to get this… it’s glorious… Now to just survive the military and long distance…. I think we will do okay… We just have to worry about time… and find out who each of us has and is becoming…

He’s more amazing than ever but i am also trying to keep my head out of the stars…


I’ve been thinking a lot… (a letter to Noah)


I would be nothing of who I am right now without you… Yet strangely enough one of my best friends from High school and beyond has come along and I think it’ll work… even if it is long distance while we’re in the military… (yeah I am going back… It’s unfinished business now…)

We would’ve been great together; and I know we would have made it work… we could have been happy too. I am fairly confdent in that; and with that I will always love you… and you will always be the father of my first child… Nothing will change that. We loved it that much I know… For the first time since we lost our baby i am pretty sure I am going to be okay. I still wish I had tried harder for us and didn’t run; but I think that fate decided it had something different in store for us when I did.

I know you are doing good for yourself and you’re gonna be okay; but if you EVER need me I am here… there’s that bond we share that can’t be destroyed… circumstances don’t allow a close friendship so much; but you will always be in my thoughts and in my heart.

I am getting an orchid on my ankle for our baby. I want you to know. It’s not fair we lost it. there is nothing fair about it…. and the bond that child made from me to you will ever keep you tied to me; but please, do me a favor and make sure you are happy; find yourself the right girl if you find you aren’t already with her… (I think you just might be…) and make lots of little noahs…. the world needs more of you in it.

We never talked about losing it though; not really. I think we should have; maybe we still should… either way I will always be here for you… no matter the circumstance, no matter where I am, I will do whatever I can to help you… And plus; I still owe you and dusty a beer.

I hope this letter isn’t overwhelming; the content isn’t very light… but I needed to get it off my chest. I’m forever bonded to you in some special way and I know that I want you happy…

Best wishes Noah; my forever friend.


Okay Roberta…


Here’s what’s up as of late…. I went to training for that promotion at work. I don’t officially have it yet… but it’s basically just a technicality… Got another raise for it… so now I make $10 an hour… I guess that is really uncommon in the company so that is good… I am starting to see clients an build my own column now too… which is nice because that means I will be able to move over to commission too…

Brad and I are still in this great game of Hot-and Cold… but we are coming down to the roots of our fights more… he keeps thinking that anytime I confront him with a problem I am trying to start a fight… which is just not true…

I couldn’t make it up to WA for Mischka’s memorial today… which is bumming me out a bit… but I guess that is how it goes… So much good stuff was still to come from him and that horrible accident had to take it all away…

I’m off today so I am just going to work on my new site… if you wanna see the logo, go check out http://www.newvikingage.com I think it looks pretty spiffy…

Memorial Memories


Missing Mischka’s Memorial this weekend… It’s rough to think of so I am trying to distract myself mostly…

This weekend is September Crown… I wa supposed to get my green belt from him this weekend… Not be mourning his death.

I guess that there are a lot of things I have been expecting of the last year that did not come to fruitation… and now everything has changed. but there’s a lot of good memories too…

I remember kidnapping Sabrina by throwing her over my shoulder….

Mischka taught me how to take stills by candlelight that night…

I remember everyone taking over Emeil’s giant tent after everyone broke camp for fear of a windstorm at the All-thing… We had the party of the event..

that storm never happened… but Emeil was challenged on his alcohol production knowledge…

That Sept crown we had a moon shining competition.

It was hotter than hell and Mischka made me take pictures of the tournament…

he was impressed with how the pics turned out… he told me afterwords that that had been my test to see if he would make me an apprentice.

I helped with the moon shining that weekend too… We made 120 proof booze that we dubbed “The great Antirian white lightning”

we sent some with the royalty to a later event joking that we were “poisoning the water”

When I told Misch that I was joining the Marines he was stoked… he even started making a sword for me… I still don’t know if he ever finished it, but it was beautiful… even if there was a few imperfections in the Metal…

Of all the Memories I miss, I miss the memories I will never share with him even more.

I vowed I will keep learning to him… and I still will follow through… No matter what it takes…

Farewell My mentor, My friend…


I am sick from losing him.. forever grateful that I came up to send him on his way… Forever grateful I did get the opportunity to get to know him as well as I did… but we were far from done… we’d barely just begun… I still have a number of tasks he has given me…. one of them was to make my green belt… I was supposed to do that while I was stationed off somewhere or something… and then he wanted me to sit vigil the night he officially presented it to me…. People say this ‘junior apprentice’ crap around me… but all he ever said to me about my ‘title’ was that i was another of his apprentices… he taught me a lot about fealty and has been the only man I have sworn any to… he made a point of assuring that I understood what i was taking on by becoming his apprentice and it became a very personal endeavor… As i was going into the military he made me a sword (although I doubt I will get it now… he probably never finished) it was to be his one gift to me…. everything else I would work on personally… Everyone always said he was mad mad mad crazy mad… but even through the ADD he had a method to his madness… before I left for boot Misch made me promise that I will seek guidance of the masters along my way… and he’d still help from afar and whenever I visited home… his being in the military before helped him to understand my upcoming circumstance. He was my greatest gift… and I now sit here rather in-consolable…

My question is — what is an apprentice/squire/protege supposed to do when they lose their master/knight/pelican? I am quite lost right now… should I still make my green belt as originally planned? shall I place the placards on it as originally planned? I vowed to Mischka while he lay on his deathbed that I will complete all the tasks he gave me… but is there something about how I should deal with the belt thing in that it was never presented (mainly because it was never made)?

Should I be worried about societal appropriateness now? it’s never worried me much before… I do not see myself to stop mourning anytime soon…. completing those tasks given will definitely be a part of the process…

I am so sick….



Can you see the writing on the wall?
Don’t you know it’s not my fault?
I didn’t want it any more than you,
Probably even less.

Do you think he’d approve of how you’ve acted?
Would he smile at you now?
Just because I was there and couldn’t stop it
Doesn’t make it all my fault.

I sit here imperfect
Flawed from my birth in your eyes
I was shut out
Handed over to your beloved son
Who loved me as his own
And still you blame me for a self-inflicted fate.

You say that I am just a pity seeker
Only calling to make a quick buck off your pain
Don’t you realize that I have lost more than I’ll ever know?
I’ve lost the only father who called me his own.

Forever I’ll be missing a large piece of my life
Lacking a love I thought I knew
Abandoned and betrayed by my only true father
And yet I am the bad guy in this sick game.

I sit here imperfect
Flawed from my birth in your eyes
I was shut out
Handed over to your beloved son
Who loved me as his own
And still you blame me for a self-inflicted fate.

I’ve grown some now
I’m out searching from someone to love
Giving my heart out to all the wrong men
Only hoping to find one who loves like the man I lost.

Now I see that few are the true men
Ever loving without condition
Now I see who my father was
Although now it’s too late

Don’t you know I saw it happen?
He had a dead man’s eyes…
Long before the bullet ever struck him.

Can’t you see I’ve been weeping alongside you?
The man was not just a brother cousin and son,
He was a father too.

You are not his only mourners
You were not his only family
And you did not watch it end!

With eyes wide open I saw
My jaw left hanging wide open
All I could do was run from facing it all
And in an instant erase the unforgettable.

Three years down the road now
Painful memories long forgot return
As m face burns from the searing tears
I realize I will never be the same

I sit here imperfect
Flawed from my birth in your eyes
I was shut out
Handed over to your beloved son
Who loved me as his own
And still you blame me for a self-inflicted fate.

I will never be the same…. (I will never be the same…)
I will never be the same…. (I will never be the same…)
I will never be the same…. (I will never be the same…)