Tag Archives: Dad

Looking back through my memories…

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So I have been spending a lot of my new found free time posting up most of my old poetry from 2001 and 2002… It’s funny how it all feels so different now… a lot of it was so innocent – yet I had no clue.. and still it was not that innocent at the same time. I had already endured and experienced so much by then. It’s just so hard to believe that that was the time that made me into who I am today.

Now I see a lot of the lasting effects of those times, how I see the world, how I act, how I feel, and probably most importantly how I give large pieces of myself away to other people and causes… A lot of the stuff that concerned me then is almost comedic… while I find it ironic that I have run back to my faith of that time as well.

A few funny ironies abound through it all… At that time I was a youth leader at Impact at Life Center… Rex was one of the main pastors there… it’s kind of funny as well, because now he is the main pastor at my new church. Also from that time, I thought I would need Tommy forever… and love him… I mean, he was my first love afterall… without his influence I seriously doubt that I would be half the woman I am today… Now he’s married and living his life… we have generally lost touch except for Facebook…

But that is all okay. I am back in God’s graces after my years of anger at him for not stepping in when I heard my dad crying to him for a break from the pain… I have been blessed too. I have found a deep love with an old friend… we are so compatible in so many ways, and yet we continue to grow towards each other. I am happy and I see a future… something I have always wanted to share… and now I truly believe that I have found that someone to share it all with… if you told me I’d be saying this back then – especially considering who it is… I’d have died of laughter… and so would he… but God works in funny ways… and I am blessed for it. I can only hope Jason is blessed for it too.

Abandonment.

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I cried so many times before you rany away.
Ran into the abyss unknown,
whilst leaving your children behind.

You ignored my tears, even in the last minute,
causing me to ask if we could have ever understood who you were.

I heard the sound of your death, but my mind denied it and shook it off.

Through a reflection in the glass and trapped in a cage he told me you were gone.

I guess I should understand that you needed your gentle peace to come.

The anger I now harbor,
And the hurt I now bear,
ache within me.

I see you everywhere and wonder if your peace has really come.
I fear the peace,
but not in death, in life.

I feel it coming to me; but at what cost?
And can you ever really be there?

I feel you around me;

and I do not understand it.
Are you even really there?
even if you are;

How can I know you won’t leave me again?

The truth is out; I love him…

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So yesterday I had one of those overbearing feelings of dread… like something horrible happened or something… I had to see David (aka Spyder). I needed to know he was okay and well just to feel better which seeing his face does to me. Anyways when I txted him a message saying I was having a “feeling” he jumped right online to help me through it… no questions. He wanted to be there for me.

He’s always been there in those moments… from the moment I met him… it’s glorious… So I went through all of those crazy thoughts in my head; My father’s suicide… in front of me… How talking with him has uprooted my feelings that existed for him back in the day… How my ex lied, cheated, stole, and abused me… but none of that was it… nor was it my fear of his rejection when he finally does see me again soon… maybe Christmas, maybe my PTSD acting up…

Then he said somethins extrodinary….

look, we have a looooooooooooong history. we are gonna start at the bottom and work our way up. to slowly ease into this. which i feel could be…well, it could be it. yoou could be the one. i never wanna hurt you. sometimes it does happen unknowingly. and i wanna do my best to make sure you never frown. things are gonna happen, good or bad, it’s a matter of how you see them through. i’ve always loved you and thought of you as family. now, a different kind, heehee. but i will always ALWAYS be there for you as a friend and would never want to jeopardize that. and as for your father, i might be outta place, i understand what happened to you was VERY tramatic, VERY. but don’t hold onto what happened for something to push others away or to make yourself sink deeper. it’s like when I lost Riley … you learn from it and carry that knowledge with you your whole life. never look back on loved ones and their actions as something to be feared or hated … carry love in your heart always, you know very well, better than most, that shit really happens, in abundance, and i wanna be the one to help you through it … you gotta live for the now and the future, never the past … [Y]ou are beautiful, inside and out

This man is amazing… I love him… and I told him, and relief came; and so here it is… a young, old love… It’s special… like it was with Noah… that deeper feeling.. but maybe because it is so new??? -ish??? I mean I have always loved him as a friend… but it’s much more complicated than that now…. I have this feeling… like he is the one…. my someone just for me… Maybe I had to go through all my knocks to get this… it’s glorious… Now to just survive the military and long distance…. I think we will do okay… We just have to worry about time… and find out who each of us has and is becoming…

He’s more amazing than ever but i am also trying to keep my head out of the stars…

Nervous and Shaky…

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So I’m sweating… nervous and shaky… I know I need to take the goddamn pills… I’ll never make it through the dentist like this….. feeling false pains that I don’t know are there.. trying to find an excuse… any excuse.. I don’t want to fall down again… not into that trap… feeling the edge of the blade that cut me so very many times… The haze I left behind me seven years ago seems all too close now… I almost called for more… I really did… halfway dialed the numbers and stopped… I think I’ll need help this time.. I am not as strong as I was last time… I don’t want to fall down now… I can’t fall back into tat trap… It’ll start with the pills… and the huffing.. just like it did then… and then it’ll get worse.. I’m sure Jeremy’s still into it… He’s gotto be… I can’t imagine him not being… 4 days of high… No matter who told me what was right I knew it was too much for me… I kept taking them and taking them… Threw the bottle away… but its still haunting me.. I don’t have dad to save me now… not this time… I don’t have him staying up with me “watching movies” or “going out to dinner” if anyone knew what his trust did for me… if anyone knew at all…. and yet I am struggling.. Maybe I need NA this time… after all Jeremy did… and Dad went to AA every once in a while… maybe it’s just my turn… but what if I bump into Jolen… Do I want him knowing that side to me? I’m getting that earache I used to get…back in the day… the one only a high could get rid of… does anyone else have that???

Why did I lie to everyone today? Even Jack… he’d understand… he’s been there… I know I didn’t want to burden Jolen…. he’s got that kid getting off heroin… I’m not that bad off… what if I go and they all look at me like I am nuts??? naw there’s people who have been in and out for years…. NO it’s not that simple… not at all… the fucking cold sweat… trying to hide the chills by saying it’s hot… I know what is happening to me…. I’m still coming down..

Everyone was saying “lucky you” when they heard I was on Vicodin… Yes I needed it.,.. the pain was horrible… but was it really that bad??? I think I was just impatient… or was a secretly hoping for a few days to escape??? I don’t fucking know… but who do I go to? jack endears me so… Jeremy…. I can’t do that to him… I am the good kid…. I’m always the good kid!!! DON’T THEY KNOW THAT’S WHAT BROUGHT ME TO THEM IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE?!?!?! Maybe I can look up a meeting… drag another person too and hide behind them…. no can’t do that… they make you admit it… where the fuck will I find help now??? I so badly want to impress Jolen… Why am I so concerned with that…. I’ve been fine playing my little game of life thus far… what’s the big change now???? What makes Jolen so special… I know it’s not just the looks… I’ve never been that into the looks…. Even tough he’s damn sexy… His smile? yes it warms me to the core… but no… his kiss? I lose myself in the moment… but I really didn’t fall until he showed me his coins and his love for his daddy… there’s something special about a guy who admits his faults… and loves his daddy… maybe in him I saw my real self… Dad was my world… I did everything for him because he was the only one that ever noticed…. Fucking cold sweat… and I am thinking like a tweaker looking for my next fix…. I probably shouldn’t take the pills… but they are prescribed… and It’s only for a dentist appt…. maybe I can be brave…. But remember the fear? crying during the consultation…. just this once get over the initial fear…. Jack and Jeff both said it’s okay… right on…. just this once… and then we’ll see how we’re doing….

I won’t go back. I need help… I will look up the meetings once this dental nightmare is over… I will confide in myself… this is really helping… I don’t have daddy this time… I really do need the help… oh god I can’t believe it… 7 years… almost gone…. and a stupid toothache brings me back to wanting…. maybe I will call Gunny and have a chat with him… Maybe he’ll help me out… Maybe I should go to meetings…. I think I should call Gunny first… I think I am losing it….

I’m happy… is that so wrong?

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How come is is so hard for me to say I am happy? How come everytime I try to say it people look at me as if it is all lies? So here, I am going to say it…

I am HAPPY!!!

Don’t disbelieve me because I’ve had a few hard knocks — believe it or not but you will have some too someday… I don’t care who you are; you will have them. It’s only then that you will understand; no, you will not ‘get over it’ but you will learn to live with it…. and if the circumstances are right you will understand the meaning of life… But for those who have not had the opportunity I have this to say to you…

The meaning of life is the pursuit of happiness… the definition for this is different for everyone; for some people their utmost and highest is fishing at the pier; others working on their cars, some play video games and some make music. Strangely enough I have seen many a ‘tortured artist’ who when finds themselves at their happiest when there’s a bit of turmoil in their lives…

Something dad said before he died… an offhand comment about being unhappy — haven’t really thought about it until now… he said he’d failed at it… he was so unhappy and he’d failed. Until his suicide I didn’t understand.. and now I do… He’d failed at finding it.

Everyone wonders it but few realize when they find it… the one thing that drives them… too many are confused by society anymore… society says you are nothing until you go to college or are upper management in some corporation… anymore it is a crime for a woman to want to stay at home and be a house wife… the working class is getting fucked more and more… little do people realize anymore is that the people of the working class are the cones that are the closest to achieving it…

I’ve got it… I know what I want…

Is it so crazy that I want to get married and have kids? I want three of them… and I want to stay at home and raise them. I want to build guitars out of the basement of my dream house and work on my hot rods with my husband and friends. I want to take my kids to sports practices and watch them in their school plays…I want a working class man who knows how to provide; I don’t necessarily want to be rich… but rather happy with my family… Is that so wrong?

So I’ve not yet graduated; shit happens… does that make me a failure? does that make me useless? I’ve already been to more college than most adults over 40… and I have already been an assistant manager… I’m only 21 and I’ve gained more rank and status than most people my age can hope for… So what’s so wrong with me?

Add to that the fact that I have found love; not just the passing summer love infatuation or an uncontrollable lust; but actual love… the kind that makes you anxious and excited for the future… I want to spend my life with him and I am happy… He makes my life so much better… when I hurt he makes it better when I ache he holds me until he can make it better… He’s my dream come true… and I love him. How can that be so wrong?

Imperfect

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Can you see the writing on the wall?
Don’t you know it’s not my fault?
I didn’t want it any more than you,
Probably even less.

Do you think he’d approve of how you’ve acted?
Would he smile at you now?
Just because I was there and couldn’t stop it
Doesn’t make it all my fault.

I sit here imperfect
Flawed from my birth in your eyes
I was shut out
Handed over to your beloved son
Who loved me as his own
And still you blame me for a self-inflicted fate.

You say that I am just a pity seeker
Only calling to make a quick buck off your pain
Don’t you realize that I have lost more than I’ll ever know?
I’ve lost the only father who called me his own.

Forever I’ll be missing a large piece of my life
Lacking a love I thought I knew
Abandoned and betrayed by my only true father
And yet I am the bad guy in this sick game.

I sit here imperfect
Flawed from my birth in your eyes
I was shut out
Handed over to your beloved son
Who loved me as his own
And still you blame me for a self-inflicted fate.

I’ve grown some now
I’m out searching from someone to love
Giving my heart out to all the wrong men
Only hoping to find one who loves like the man I lost.

Now I see that few are the true men
Ever loving without condition
Now I see who my father was
Although now it’s too late

Don’t you know I saw it happen?
He had a dead man’s eyes…
Long before the bullet ever struck him.

Can’t you see I’ve been weeping alongside you?
The man was not just a brother cousin and son,
He was a father too.

You are not his only mourners
You were not his only family
And you did not watch it end!

With eyes wide open I saw
My jaw left hanging wide open
All I could do was run from facing it all
And in an instant erase the unforgettable.

Three years down the road now
Painful memories long forgot return
As m face burns from the searing tears
I realize I will never be the same

I sit here imperfect
Flawed from my birth in your eyes
I was shut out
Handed over to your beloved son
Who loved me as his own
And still you blame me for a self-inflicted fate.

I will never be the same…. (I will never be the same…)
I will never be the same…. (I will never be the same…)
I will never be the same…. (I will never be the same…)

Don’t you know?

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I am not gonna be so feeble anymore.
It’s not  worth it to live and suffer,
but I still can’t seem to understand,
how you could just run away.

Don’t you know you didn’t just dissappear?
Don’t you know you left me behind?
I’ll never understand how you could just leave your children behind…

I miss you…