Tag Archives: California

God’s Stepping in…

Standard

So life’s gone a bit nutty lately and everything has changed, while it’s not all necessarily good per se, I feel like it is.

First off God’s really opened my eyes again which is glorious and so my faith is growing again by leaps and bounds; I can’t say I can take credit for this all, but Jason (my new boyfriend – more on that later) has really helped me a lot.
He has me reading “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller… This book is great! It’s all about Christian spirituality without being too preachy and is not afraid to talk about what’s wrong with the church along side what is right… it covers a lot of issues that I have which is nice because I have something I can share an affinity with.
I also went to Jason’s church (which is up in Kirkland) and I swear I just knew this place is what is right for me… it was great. The pastor is actually one of the old youth pastors from Life Center from back in the days when I was doing impact and he speaks awesome… Sitting in sermon was a new experience for me… I was so thirsty that I was sitting on the edge of my seat, it was awesome.
I really feel like god is working with my life to rearrange and fix it into what he wants it to be, so I am just trying to submit to his will. I lost my job; but that is okay really I was lucky enough to have a little money left from my tax return so hopefully I will be able to make it okay until I get a new one. I know there’s got to be something else out there for me that is better…
As for Jason, we have known each other for about 14 years, as he was one of my brother’s friends back in the day. However we’ve been pretty close friends for the last 8 years. Even when I was living in California we were in a reasonable amount of contact… the funny thing is it never really dawned on us that we should be an item…
We planned a pub crawl as we were pretty much the last single ones standing a couple weeks ago and in planning that we got to talking a lot about what our hopes and dreams are in life, you know the deep rooted ones like me wanting to be able to be a stay at home mother with my children and build guitars in my own wood shop… He has his dreams too and it’s amazing how spot on we are with each others hopes dreams and goals in life. I guess that is probably what sparked it… but when the pub crawl came around, magic happened. after that weekend we waited a couple days hardly able to stop talking to each other…
We sat down to Coffee and asked ourselves what is going on and determined that we’re going to go for it. We are being smart about things and set down the ground rules, like my SCA and viking stuff and his business. I really believe in him and he believes in me. I feel like god has put us together and is blessing us.
The weird thing is because we’ve been close friends for so long, it’s like we’re skipping that whole getting to know you stage of the relationship… I mean it’s not like we’re engaged, but it’s something we talk about possibly happening someday once we’ve met some of our current goals. It’s so nice though, he’s amazing.
But what happened with Spyder you ask? Well, he pretty much cut contact to me and so I had to just snip those heartstrings out. I know I said I love him, and I always have as a friend… as I do allow myself to love freely, but perhaps I let myself get too caught up in the moment? I still care for him, I just had to admit defeat and call him a good friend… it’s funny – once I did that God puts Jason right there…. and Jason is a much better match for me anyways. And I am working to not say things too early this time…

Might be eligable for the corps still…

Standard

Went in and visited my old recruiter today… SSgt Spencer was the only one in… He said he’d look onto my reenlistment status and they might be able to help me out with the waivers that I would need to rejoin..

I still feel like I am missing something and I am pretty sure that is it… Maybe not being active duty so much as just the need for the title of marine you know?

I remember when the Huntington beach office told me I am just straight ineligible… Then I went to the navy and they said all I need is a waiver…. So maybe reserves? I still got a lot of healing and whatnot to decide with… But just that they are willing to to all the way up to the commandant If they have to means the world….

Either way I want to spend the next year getting more fit and starting a strong yoga regimen at least once a day…. That would be good for me if nothing else…

I start a job today– it is contractual temp work but they are considering me for a crew lead role…. I start in a few hours (at 2am) and can’t sleep although I am tired…

Well… Mom did it again…

Standard

Everyone in my family knows that I spend Sundays at Sven and Anne’s place… It has been that way for years you know?

And yesterday she calls me up on short notice expecting me to come to grandma’s house for a family dinner…

I managed to pull away for that and went over there for a decent dinner with my family… After which my mom started harping in on me about Sven and Anne and how they are horrible people and how I would have rather had Atli come down to drive me home than Jeremy…

Truth is I didn’t give a shit who drove me home so long as I got home asap… Apparently they had a plane ticket for Jeremy (but I will believe that as far as I can throw it) I wanted to get home… Telling me to wait another day two days in a row does not get me any closer to home…. Atli stepped up and I took his offer… Now she adamantly hates him as well… But I am sure she would never have given him a chance anyways…

Well so I probably won’t talk to her for a month or so…

Okay Roberta…

Standard

Here’s what’s up as of late…. I went to training for that promotion at work. I don’t officially have it yet… but it’s basically just a technicality… Got another raise for it… so now I make $10 an hour… I guess that is really uncommon in the company so that is good… I am starting to see clients an build my own column now too… which is nice because that means I will be able to move over to commission too…

Brad and I are still in this great game of Hot-and Cold… but we are coming down to the roots of our fights more… he keeps thinking that anytime I confront him with a problem I am trying to start a fight… which is just not true…

I couldn’t make it up to WA for Mischka’s memorial today… which is bumming me out a bit… but I guess that is how it goes… So much good stuff was still to come from him and that horrible accident had to take it all away…

I’m off today so I am just going to work on my new site… if you wanna see the logo, go check out http://www.newvikingage.com I think it looks pretty spiffy…

He doesn’t trust me…

Standard

Seriously whenever I am on the computer he asks what I am hiding… whenever he is mad he holds these imaginary things over my head… I am so tired of him being grumpy because I am not some perfect little thing… he gets in these grumpy moods from time to time and it makes me want to head for the hills, however at other times It’s all just fine… I am so tired of this hot-and-cold game… I still keep thinking back to those I have been with in the past… thinking if I could have a second chance would I take it and more often than not I wish I could… Is it just that there are so few honest people down here that he cannot trust anyone anymore??? Or is there something overly suspect in my personality…

I don’t hide anything… why is that so hard to believe???

okay another update….

Standard

Still busy busy…. lots of problems but I think most of them are stemming from Brad’s daughter still being in town… just 17 days to go and I get my privacy back….

Nothing is sacred while she is here… Brad dresses her in my clothes (Except she is fat and consequently my clothes get all busted up from her…) to top that all off I have this silly delusion that the clothes I pick make me look sexy to him… but obviously he does not think that if he is dressing his 9-year-old daughter in them…

The problems between us and with our relationship seem to build and build with more and more resentment adding on to what has developed since I came here… I have learned a new appreciation for the situations I lived in before… for the freedoms I enjoyed for so long…

We keep saying lets go back to church but nothing is done about it… he keeps calling me crazy so much I am beginning to believe him… I am so sick of the politics he preaches… I am so sick of fox news saying it is fair and balanced… I am so sick of the “my way or the highway” attitudes….

I have never been a morning person; and yet he is… so when the alarm goes of at 5:50 to get my lazy ass out of bed he gets pissed that he hits the snooze button… I tell him to move the damn clock to my side of the bed and he just brushes that off and says no; you just have to get up on the first alarm or sleep in a separate room… Mind you our whole apartment is just one room so I don’t know what he is thinking.

Saturday we were on our way to his sister’s wedding… I spent the whole morning getting his daughter ready while he watched TV… then he was mad because we were running behind… we started having a major fight in the car because I am not changing enough for him and not sacrificing enough for him… then when I say that I have been trying to get him to sit down and talk for 3 weeks (Like I have been) he gets even more pissed that I try to move the conversation on to what I think our real problems are… He dumps me in the car on the way to a WEDDING and then gets pissed because I start crying… Is this guy completely ignorantly of how many changes and sacrifices I have made for him??? I am a social creature who is away from my family and every friend I have ever known… and yet I am not changing enough…

I am like a prisoner in my own life… Little princess Allie seems to control it all… While she is here I don’t exist…. Nothing of mine is private or sacred… she does whatever she wants, I have to watch her on my time off.. I am lucky if I get 2 hours to myself a week! I can’t take this stress. it really is driving me crazy — she knows she holds all of the power and abuses that same power against me… She makes me the bad guy for not feeding her junk food whenever she wants it… I am a bad guy because I do not want to swim after working 8 hours.. I am the bad guy because I insist she clean up her messes around our extremely small apartment…

She just sent me an e-mail bitching that I need to go pick her up….

Quote:
“where R U? i want 2 leave NOW!!!! It’s so boring here and i want 2 go! “

no please, not thank you, just demands… this is how she always is with me… and she jumps around and makes annoying sounds for hours on end specifically just to piss me off… to make me the villain… she is a sly one and I am sick of it… I am not her little servant and I swear to god if brad doesn’t say something to her tonight I will… After all I am already the bad guy… why not be the villain she make me portray???

Yaaay Sven!!!

Standard

Finally Sven is getting the recognition he deserves… He has been put on vigil to become a laurel!!! After losing my laurel I have been so horribly stuck in a rut… but this has definitely helped to pull me out of it a bit…. I am still very sick… but I am so proud of my beloved foster-father… finally he is being recognized for his amazing talents and skills…

He should be elevated some July Coronation… I wish I could figure out a way to make it there… It’s such an epic moment in my family’s life… now I must find a way to get there… which mean that I must get money somehow…

Brad’s daughter is in town for the next two months… which means I will be meeting her in the next few days… I am kind of nervous about that…. it’s kind of like our whole relationship depends on a 9 year old’s opinion… and I just moved everything I own down here… so really I am stuck much more than I have been previously…. not that I feel trapped like I did before… I am actually finding that my life is calming down quite well…. Just gotto find a job… you know?

Farewell My mentor, My friend…

Standard

I am sick from losing him.. forever grateful that I came up to send him on his way… Forever grateful I did get the opportunity to get to know him as well as I did… but we were far from done… we’d barely just begun… I still have a number of tasks he has given me…. one of them was to make my green belt… I was supposed to do that while I was stationed off somewhere or something… and then he wanted me to sit vigil the night he officially presented it to me…. People say this ‘junior apprentice’ crap around me… but all he ever said to me about my ‘title’ was that i was another of his apprentices… he taught me a lot about fealty and has been the only man I have sworn any to… he made a point of assuring that I understood what i was taking on by becoming his apprentice and it became a very personal endeavor… As i was going into the military he made me a sword (although I doubt I will get it now… he probably never finished) it was to be his one gift to me…. everything else I would work on personally… Everyone always said he was mad mad mad crazy mad… but even through the ADD he had a method to his madness… before I left for boot Misch made me promise that I will seek guidance of the masters along my way… and he’d still help from afar and whenever I visited home… his being in the military before helped him to understand my upcoming circumstance. He was my greatest gift… and I now sit here rather in-consolable…

My question is — what is an apprentice/squire/protege supposed to do when they lose their master/knight/pelican? I am quite lost right now… should I still make my green belt as originally planned? shall I place the placards on it as originally planned? I vowed to Mischka while he lay on his deathbed that I will complete all the tasks he gave me… but is there something about how I should deal with the belt thing in that it was never presented (mainly because it was never made)?

Should I be worried about societal appropriateness now? it’s never worried me much before… I do not see myself to stop mourning anytime soon…. completing those tasks given will definitely be a part of the process…

I am so sick….