It’s been a while…

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I haven’t posted on here in a long time. Over a year. Truth is my life has been quite the roller coaster and I was reveling in my privacy. What I do find is funny, is that in over a year’s absence my blog has had more “hits” than in previous years combined.

Originally this was a somewhat anonymous place I posted things, I didn’t really worry about who would find things or when but then things got real. I left my husband and all the raw emotions that went with that on both sides was too much to be airing out in public on the internet for anyone to see. In retrospect, I am glad I held back – I am almost certain that I would probably aired some dirty laundry that most certainly should not be aired in a public forum such as this…

I have experienced new highs and lows that have molded me yet again in my life to someone who is stronger and better for the experiences encountered, even if it feels like most of  the last year has been filled with drama and chaos. I have my own place again that is all my own. Haven’t had a place completely to myself since before I joined the Marine Corps. Dated here and there… Had my heart handed to me a few times and really looked back on what I really want out of life.

Truth is, I still am not completely certain.

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Trading the fiddle for the drum.

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So I’m staying down at Sven and Anne’s this weekend doing a photo shoot for the series I am working on… And in all of it — in all my recent miseries and sadness and mourning for the marriage I thought I would have but never received — the heartache and abandonment and frustration at a life promised but never given… In all my aching discontent and the compounding of a lifetime of regrets… In all the sadness heart break and absolutely shattered dreams… I’ve contented myself with the empty promises made to me before by my now husband… Thinking the time was nigh and that it was only right… Driven by dogmas I never fully believed and realizing that I was blinded by a fantasy we all maintain about him and who he is… Even his parents are split now from the very same lies and deceit that has plagued our relationship in its entirety and his relationships before ours.

But today, sweet today when it hit me that I finally am following through on one of my earliest childhood dreams — working on a genuine film project… And The Lord shall provide… Now I am free from so many of the demons who have plagued me in all these years – strike that, my whole life. Old curses I must battle with for my whole life… regardless of them being my sins or not.

Today I took a free second sitting for a breath after an exhausting but fulfilling and absolutely fun day and I saw that old sparkle I had In my soul; the girl who built guitars for a living, the apprentice to the master blade smith who turned down working on Lord of the Rings… The confident passionate twig of a girl in the blue herringbone dress…. That spark I see it it’s back when I thought it faded so long ago.

I dread returning to my current life. I feel the fool and the sucker for falling for it all twice. How long have I been consumed by not having an escape plan with the drawdown… consumed by people telling me my aches and pains were punishments for my failures. That I am worthless and completely underwhelming. The sickly little girl with all the bullshit stories… No way has she lived that life…

I don’t deserve broken promises… I don’t deserve broken anything… God made me amazing and unique I see. Myself at peace in the vestiges of my old life… Sadly I have the one I did to return to for good… I don’t need the things he does… Stuff is stuff… It’s time to move on and grow… I am fucking amazing I just needed a friend to genuinely show me… To mean it with no ulterior motive, one I know isn’t a bullshitter.

I won’t just walk out on him… Yes he broke the deadlines I set… I was too lenient… My spark lives again… The me inside pure and I undefiled…. The me with a thousand impossible stories and memories to fit in one lifetime….

Marrying him was yet again a way to run away from the aches or failures and I allowed myself to be consumed by my pain by my desieses… Consumed by sickness and sloth rather than forcing myself to grow out of the pain and the hurt and emerge as a Phoenix from the fire…. Afraid to lose my old friends and abandoning my family– no my families in the process… I see the beauties of my old life and I see the beauties in the aches….

The resentments I have held for so long i see now….. Yes my family is sad, sick,and desiesed —- but they are mine. Yes Jason is my family and his has welcomed and loved me… I can’t just give up and walk out on them…

Ill do my duties that I believe are my responsibility… Yes I even have had Excapes offered… But I’ll do it right….. Ill prepare myself for a new life…. Ill set new deadlines, and I will live my life without giving up on who I am…. If he cannot accept it then let him decide it’s time to move on… and if the work doesn’t prove plentiful, if there is no progress, if I have exhausted all options for fixing it all, then and then only can I move on.

I cannot let my passions die again… Misch worked so hard to show me my beauty… And I lost it…. But today looking in thr mirror I saw me again….. The model. The runner. The dreamer. The creator. The fighter… The person who killed her bucket list in high school because she knew she could do anything… I needed to be reminded I am amazing…

I am more than my wounds, I am more than my misery… I am more than the multiple tragic ballads written about me…. I am a warrior, a victor, a lover and a fighter….. I am sentimental and easily entertained…. I am loving, generous, and amazing with a million things to offer the world.

Hengist was right about so much at his wedding about me…. Always my truest friend… He watched me let myself die and I ignored his pleas at me to stop the insanity…. Jason was the easy way I thought… The safest way… But I was so wrong…

Ill try everything I can, I’ll play hard ball… But I won’t sit by letting myself die and become someone I’m not…. This is all going to hurt but why keep hurting the ones who love me by rolling over… Ill fight… Ill unleash Kara…. God have mercy on those who will not let her live…

I traded my war drum in when I washed out of the corps… I let my failure consume me and settled into the first life that might bring me comfort… That might bring me the American dream I so believe in and wanted to fight for… Picket fence and kids… Yes I still want it, but why settle for the image when the reality is shit??? Why settle?!

Yes I’ll try everything — but that’s for me more than anyone else… I will try to give it all a fair chance; because if I just quit what am I worth??? I won’t quit, but I won’t spend my life beating a dead horse…. I can’t… Living in this lonely misery with my passions behind me, Waiting to be seen and noticed, to be loved, waiting for affection and attention that will not come…

And tomorrow I go back… I pray and hope I don’t let myself roll over… I don’t take it.. I prove myself worthy of the gifts I have been given by so many… Time to not only get healthy in my mind, in my body too… the blue herringbone may never fit again…. but thats okay, I grew, I will do better and greater things…. I will create, and love all those I turned away from and honor them by honoring myself… I have to… otherwise what’s the point of living?

Book Review: Offbeat Bride

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Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides [NOOKbook]Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides [NOOKbook] by Ariel Meadow Stallings

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book was written in an easy to read, matter of fact style. While overflowing with social and political opinions, anyone could benefit from reading this book if they are capable of over-looking rampant mentions of hippies, raves, and feminism.

The author does take great care to not alienate the reader while still standing on her soapbox about a myriad of issues from time to time, and really gets down to enforcing the point that the most important detail about a couple’s wedding day is all about them and should reflect them as a couple rather than giving in blindly to tradition and what the wedding industry tells us is required for a wedding.

While most of what the book says and suggests does not apply to my relatively traditional wedding (I love tradition and appreciate their historical contexts) that I am planning, the book did help me to feel more comfortable about making sure that the wedding is the way my fiancée and I want it rather than completely bowing to what people tell us we are supposed to have.

I would truly recommend it to any bride (or groom for that matter!).

Book Review: “Before You Get Engaged” by Rev. David Gudgel

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Before You Get Engaged [NOOKbook]Before You Get Engaged [NOOKbook] by David Gudgel

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I found this book a great read given that I am currently engaged. It was written well and was easy to follow. I wish I had read it months ago rather than after getting engaged. This book was still a great help because it helped to affirm that I am marrying my man for the right reasons and helped me to really analyze whether I am ready (which I am). All in all I would recommend this to anyone in a serious relationship that may be going down the road to marriage, or possibly for someone who is looking to find the right person and settle down.

Book Review: “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman PH.D.

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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship ExpertThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

This book was recommended to me by my premarital counselor. I found it to be a painfully dull read and very clinical. I would however recommend it to a couple that fights a lot and would like to work though it as there is quite a bit of good advice for saving a marriage and recognizing when a fight is at a point where nothing will be accomplished aside from hurting someone’s feelings.

If you think your relationship is rocky or of it gets really bad when you fight, I could see this as a good book for you, also if you guys feel like you need to get to know each other better. I however do not have difficulty with the problems that this book addresses in my relationship. I hope that it can help others more than it helped me.

I would have one recommendation – read it as a couple and do the exercises together… it can’t hurt right?

View all my reviews

Book Review: “Sheet Music” by Dr. Kevin Leman

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Sheet Music [NOOKbook]Sheet Music [NOOKbook] by Kevin Leman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

My premarital counselor recommended this book to me and my fiancée with the warning to listen to the author as to how far to read in this book. He also put it very plainly (while blushing like a fire truck) that this book is about sex.

Well, this book is quite plainly about sex and how important it is for a marriage. It was written by a Christian and is not shy about its topic matter. This book goes into a lot of detail about Sex and what it means to a relationship. I would recommend it to any couple planning on getting married with the specific recommendation that one follow the author’s advice and only read the first section. I tried to cheat and finish the book in one go, but after the first few pages of the next chapter I recognized the author’s wisdom in where to stop until after the honeymoon.

Here’s looking forward to the rest of the book!

Harvest Feast, Halloween, and Hanging out…

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I know I am petty bad about updating this thing, but really my blog its more for me than anyone else… If you choose to read it I do appreciate it, but really it is primarily a way for me to sort my thoughts out…

Since the breakup a lot has gone on, and yet not much at all… But life is starting to look up. I’ve been growing inside, which is great, I’ve seen a lot of good stuff happening around me… then again I guess there’s a lot of heart aches too.

I know the Jason is hurting and that kills me. I hate seeing a friend going through so much pain and knowing that it is my doing. but I have to be true to myself… and even Jason admits that he was trying to change me.

So Halloween went pretty well, I spent the weekend with Hengist, Mira, Thorolf, and Sabrina… It was really nice having us all together all weekend. On friday night we all went up to a Halloween party at a friend’s house in Bremerton. I ended up dressing as “Rosie the Rivitor”… Even loaned me an aluminum pipe wrench that totally made the costume… And I got to see a bunch of my friends that I haven’t seen in way too long. It was really a blessing.

Saturday we all went to another party in Seattle… And there I got to see a bunch more of my SCA friends that I haven’t seen in months or in a couple of cases a few years (along side the usual suspects of course)… This time I borrowed one of Mira’s costumes and so I was an “anarchy cheerleader.” Yet again we all got goofy and had a great time…

Strangely enough, Sunday everything was pretty tame… Mira had a belly dancing show scheduled at Karma in Puyallup, and Sabrina headed back home to Yakima. So Hengist, Mira, Thorolf and I went to the show where we saw Dana also… But the venue was putty barren so we just ate a nice indian food dinner… (lamb vindaloo – yum!) Mira want feeling too hot anyways, so it was probably good that she didn’t dance.

On monday, I woke up sicker than snot with a fever… And I have spent the whole week in bed recovering… It’s a brutal bug this year, almost everyone we saw this weekend caught some variation of it (lucky butts Sabrina and Thorolf exempt)…

I was capable of functioning about midday friday which is good because I discovered a horrible lump on Moses’s torso… so by the generous grace of Sven and Anne, we took Mo to the vet. The very want quite sure what was going on, but after he took some fluid from the limp he saw it was infected so mo got a shot of strong antibiotics which have been helping immensely…

Moses is still having thyroid troubles,  so we adjusted his meds a bit, hopefully that helps with his neurological problems, but he is ever too skinny… He only weighed in at 9.1 lbs when he should be somewhere around 16 lbs…. So somehow we have to get him eating enough food to start putting on the weight. Wish him luck, he needs it.

Saturday was harvest feast… Which was okay, but Hengist and Mira didn’t go because they couldn’t eat anything on the menu (stupid gluten), and Sven didn’t go because he was a groomsman in a wedding. Feasts are so bunch more fun with them there…

After harvest feast Thorolf and I went to an after party which was pretty tame (that was preferable though) and later we went to see my friends the Hard Money Saints, and James Hunnicutt play at a bar just past the Roy Y. It was great seeing James, Jack, Mondo and Nick after so long… Kinda weird wearing my viking garb to the trail end of a rockabilly show, but all was good. Lastly we hit up Walmart to pick up some last-minute toys for tots donations then home…

I think I did way too much because I’m feeling pretty icky again (or still) but it has been great seeing all my friends I have been missing. Kills like I may have some photocopy gigs coming up possibly too to help concert my gas bill a bit better… Which is a relief… But a real job is priority…

Also congrats go to my cousin who had her baby… He is a cutie-pie although I have never met him because I have been sick… And I have a phone interview on the 12th.. So wish me luck with that… I have been out of work so long… I’m stir crazy…

I feel like I’m figuring myself out which is exactly what I need to do… Still waiting on my final “no”from the military, and if that happens I will look into counseling to help sort me out memtally a bit more… I think it could be of great value…

I’ll try to keep this a bit more updated… It’s good for me to write out my thoughts, and if you care to read my ramblings, great! If not, oh well… like I said this is mostly for me!

Now that it’s over…

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So a lot has happened lately, but the most has happened in the last week. Primarily, Jason and I broke up. While yes, we did have a relatively happy and healthy relationship, we also had some issues. (Besides if anything “relatively happy” isn’t enough – thanks for teaching me that daddy, miss you) Jason is an amazing man, and I really wish that it could have worked out for us, but at the core we had irreconcilable differences… At least we both were able to recognize this before we got married then ended up divorced.

But I have known this and been fighting it for some time… Deep down I already accepted our demise long before it came to this inevitable end. So now I wonder what exactly is going to happen, and what should I do…

With all the goals that I have set for myself, I can’t sit here in morn too long. I want to be a mother more than anything, and I just can’t wait forever to make that happen. But I also want to do it the right way, I getting married first and such. So really what I’m asking myself I guess, is if something that seems that might work comes along should I jump on it? or should I just sit here feel sorry for myself? The problem in that is that feeling sorry for myself just doesn’t seem right. But I don’t want to hurt Jason by it either.

I can’t really put words how bad I feel for Jason. He really did make me happy but pieces of me where missing in our relationship. I tried to hold on as long as I could, but without any major changes the inevitable was bound to happen. I tried to let his stuff grow on me and I tried to give up some of my things that he didn’t want, but I just couldn’t change and it didn’t work.

In the end I like who I am and I like who he is, but when the fairytale honeymoon was over, we just are not right for each other. I hope he can realize this in I hope we can stay friends, but if not I guess that is just how it has to be.

I’m grateful for the time we had, I’m sorry it had to end, but somewhere out there is someone special just for me. Just like there is someone special out there just for him.