Category Archives: Love

Postings on my Personal Blog concerning my love life, relationships, and/or lack there of.

Anticipating the double-edged sword…

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Well, it looks like my journey towards finishing my associate’s degree is coming up quick. This morning I registered for my final classes that I will be taking at Pierce College. Additionally, I stopped by Pacific Lutheran University and made sure that I got my ducks in a row including looking into signing up for on-campus housing. With any luck, I will get a one-bedroom loft style townhouse on campus; which would be pretty sweet… If not, I will end up in some other sort of dorm situation.

I also managed to grab a coffee with my friend Tommy (yes, the same one I was in love with when I was in high school) and managed to have a bit of a heart to heart about all the changes that will be coming up in the next year or so. He agreed it is a sad situation, but he also believes that I am doing the right thing for myself as well. It’s a comfort to hear from him as he has always been one of the people who knows me the best on this planet. He also agreed that given my physical limitations and fixed income, that I am making the right decisions in choosing to live on campus rather than getting an apartment… That way I can focus on school and do my very best.

It’s all like a double edged sword – in one way it is exciting that I will be going to a four year university and living on campus like I had always imagined; but at the same time, this also means that Steven and I will likely be splitting up in one form or another which means that a very special and wonderful time in my life may potentially be coming to a close. Steven and I will be seeing a couples counselor to help us work through this awkward situation and see what we can figure out, but if I were to be completely pragmatic with myself, I understand that the chances of us working this out while spending about two years apart puts the odds against us.

In other news, this quarter has been pretty rough on me. I missed a lot of school this February due to digestive issues and doctor’s instructions to remain on bed rest. Consequently my grades are not up to my usual standard, and rather, I am looking to simply pass all my classes with semi-decent grades… I am hopeful for my grades in English and Geology as my teachers have been very accommodating of my situation, however, at the same time, Forensic Anthropology, which was already difficult in the first place, has me slipping in the grade department, and ASL is pretty much the hot mess I expected it to be.

In ASL I need to come up with a true story to sign to the class for my final… I can’t seem to think of anything except my father’s suicide, which would be a difficult topic for me to cover. At the same time however, I think that it might actually be the best one as it was so formative for who I ended up becoming as an adult. The process will be emotional; but I think, with any luck, my teacher might give me a little grace for some of the participation points that I may have missed by not performing a story that Iw as supposed to sign a couple weeks ago.

As it stands now, I should be focusing on studying for a Geology test that I have in the morning rather than rambling onto a blog which is unlikely to be read, but I think documenting this time in my life will be good for me, even if it will likely be difficult at times.

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Trading the fiddle for the drum.

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So I’m staying down at Sven and Anne’s this weekend doing a photo shoot for the series I am working on… And in all of it — in all my recent miseries and sadness and mourning for the marriage I thought I would have but never received — the heartache and abandonment and frustration at a life promised but never given… In all my aching discontent and the compounding of a lifetime of regrets… In all the sadness heart break and absolutely shattered dreams… I’ve contented myself with the empty promises made to me before by my now husband… Thinking the time was nigh and that it was only right… Driven by dogmas I never fully believed and realizing that I was blinded by a fantasy we all maintain about him and who he is… Even his parents are split now from the very same lies and deceit that has plagued our relationship in its entirety and his relationships before ours.

But today, sweet today when it hit me that I finally am following through on one of my earliest childhood dreams — working on a genuine film project… And The Lord shall provide… Now I am free from so many of the demons who have plagued me in all these years – strike that, my whole life. Old curses I must battle with for my whole life… regardless of them being my sins or not.

Today I took a free second sitting for a breath after an exhausting but fulfilling and absolutely fun day and I saw that old sparkle I had In my soul; the girl who built guitars for a living, the apprentice to the master blade smith who turned down working on Lord of the Rings… The confident passionate twig of a girl in the blue herringbone dress…. That spark I see it it’s back when I thought it faded so long ago.

I dread returning to my current life. I feel the fool and the sucker for falling for it all twice. How long have I been consumed by not having an escape plan with the drawdown… consumed by people telling me my aches and pains were punishments for my failures. That I am worthless and completely underwhelming. The sickly little girl with all the bullshit stories… No way has she lived that life…

I don’t deserve broken promises… I don’t deserve broken anything… God made me amazing and unique I see. Myself at peace in the vestiges of my old life… Sadly I have the one I did to return to for good… I don’t need the things he does… Stuff is stuff… It’s time to move on and grow… I am fucking amazing I just needed a friend to genuinely show me… To mean it with no ulterior motive, one I know isn’t a bullshitter.

I won’t just walk out on him… Yes he broke the deadlines I set… I was too lenient… My spark lives again… The me inside pure and I undefiled…. The me with a thousand impossible stories and memories to fit in one lifetime….

Marrying him was yet again a way to run away from the aches or failures and I allowed myself to be consumed by my pain by my desieses… Consumed by sickness and sloth rather than forcing myself to grow out of the pain and the hurt and emerge as a Phoenix from the fire…. Afraid to lose my old friends and abandoning my family– no my families in the process… I see the beauties of my old life and I see the beauties in the aches….

The resentments I have held for so long i see now….. Yes my family is sad, sick,and desiesed —- but they are mine. Yes Jason is my family and his has welcomed and loved me… I can’t just give up and walk out on them…

Ill do my duties that I believe are my responsibility… Yes I even have had Excapes offered… But I’ll do it right….. Ill prepare myself for a new life…. Ill set new deadlines, and I will live my life without giving up on who I am…. If he cannot accept it then let him decide it’s time to move on… and if the work doesn’t prove plentiful, if there is no progress, if I have exhausted all options for fixing it all, then and then only can I move on.

I cannot let my passions die again… Misch worked so hard to show me my beauty… And I lost it…. But today looking in thr mirror I saw me again….. The model. The runner. The dreamer. The creator. The fighter… The person who killed her bucket list in high school because she knew she could do anything… I needed to be reminded I am amazing…

I am more than my wounds, I am more than my misery… I am more than the multiple tragic ballads written about me…. I am a warrior, a victor, a lover and a fighter….. I am sentimental and easily entertained…. I am loving, generous, and amazing with a million things to offer the world.

Hengist was right about so much at his wedding about me…. Always my truest friend… He watched me let myself die and I ignored his pleas at me to stop the insanity…. Jason was the easy way I thought… The safest way… But I was so wrong…

Ill try everything I can, I’ll play hard ball… But I won’t sit by letting myself die and become someone I’m not…. This is all going to hurt but why keep hurting the ones who love me by rolling over… Ill fight… Ill unleash Kara…. God have mercy on those who will not let her live…

I traded my war drum in when I washed out of the corps… I let my failure consume me and settled into the first life that might bring me comfort… That might bring me the American dream I so believe in and wanted to fight for… Picket fence and kids… Yes I still want it, but why settle for the image when the reality is shit??? Why settle?!

Yes I’ll try everything — but that’s for me more than anyone else… I will try to give it all a fair chance; because if I just quit what am I worth??? I won’t quit, but I won’t spend my life beating a dead horse…. I can’t… Living in this lonely misery with my passions behind me, Waiting to be seen and noticed, to be loved, waiting for affection and attention that will not come…

And tomorrow I go back… I pray and hope I don’t let myself roll over… I don’t take it.. I prove myself worthy of the gifts I have been given by so many… Time to not only get healthy in my mind, in my body too… the blue herringbone may never fit again…. but thats okay, I grew, I will do better and greater things…. I will create, and love all those I turned away from and honor them by honoring myself… I have to… otherwise what’s the point of living?

Now that it’s over…

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So a lot has happened lately, but the most has happened in the last week. Primarily, Jason and I broke up. While yes, we did have a relatively happy and healthy relationship, we also had some issues. (Besides if anything “relatively happy” isn’t enough – thanks for teaching me that daddy, miss you) Jason is an amazing man, and I really wish that it could have worked out for us, but at the core we had irreconcilable differences… At least we both were able to recognize this before we got married then ended up divorced.

But I have known this and been fighting it for some time… Deep down I already accepted our demise long before it came to this inevitable end. So now I wonder what exactly is going to happen, and what should I do…

With all the goals that I have set for myself, I can’t sit here in morn too long. I want to be a mother more than anything, and I just can’t wait forever to make that happen. But I also want to do it the right way, I getting married first and such. So really what I’m asking myself I guess, is if something that seems that might work comes along should I jump on it? or should I just sit here feel sorry for myself? The problem in that is that feeling sorry for myself just doesn’t seem right. But I don’t want to hurt Jason by it either.

I can’t really put words how bad I feel for Jason. He really did make me happy but pieces of me where missing in our relationship. I tried to hold on as long as I could, but without any major changes the inevitable was bound to happen. I tried to let his stuff grow on me and I tried to give up some of my things that he didn’t want, but I just couldn’t change and it didn’t work.

In the end I like who I am and I like who he is, but when the fairytale honeymoon was over, we just are not right for each other. I hope he can realize this in I hope we can stay friends, but if not I guess that is just how it has to be.

I’m grateful for the time we had, I’m sorry it had to end, but somewhere out there is someone special just for me. Just like there is someone special out there just for him.

Looking back through my memories…

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So I have been spending a lot of my new found free time posting up most of my old poetry from 2001 and 2002… It’s funny how it all feels so different now… a lot of it was so innocent – yet I had no clue.. and still it was not that innocent at the same time. I had already endured and experienced so much by then. It’s just so hard to believe that that was the time that made me into who I am today.

Now I see a lot of the lasting effects of those times, how I see the world, how I act, how I feel, and probably most importantly how I give large pieces of myself away to other people and causes… A lot of the stuff that concerned me then is almost comedic… while I find it ironic that I have run back to my faith of that time as well.

A few funny ironies abound through it all… At that time I was a youth leader at Impact at Life Center… Rex was one of the main pastors there… it’s kind of funny as well, because now he is the main pastor at my new church. Also from that time, I thought I would need Tommy forever… and love him… I mean, he was my first love afterall… without his influence I seriously doubt that I would be half the woman I am today… Now he’s married and living his life… we have generally lost touch except for Facebook…

But that is all okay. I am back in God’s graces after my years of anger at him for not stepping in when I heard my dad crying to him for a break from the pain… I have been blessed too. I have found a deep love with an old friend… we are so compatible in so many ways, and yet we continue to grow towards each other. I am happy and I see a future… something I have always wanted to share… and now I truly believe that I have found that someone to share it all with… if you told me I’d be saying this back then – especially considering who it is… I’d have died of laughter… and so would he… but God works in funny ways… and I am blessed for it. I can only hope Jason is blessed for it too.

And Now for Something Completely Different…

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Okay well maybe not completely different, probably just more of the same really. My life is changing more and more… it’s just crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am in this endless cycle that just repeats itself over and over again only with different names, places, and faces. yet now this time it’s a lot of the same names and faces… but all in different contexts…

So, I guess I will start on the religious front. I have been growing and growing in the lord which is awesome, but I guess that  couldn’t last too long without a struggle… so here it is; Spiritual warfare, and it sucks. My whole world has been falling down around me and my health is failing alongside it all.  Jason has been doing everything he can to try to help keep me afloat and growing — and his efforts have made a significant difference. I feel bad though because I know he wants to be my hero and fix it all and unfortunately he can’t. I am so afraid that I will drag him down with me. He keeps telling me its okay, but I know it affects him which worries me… I hate to see him hurting and I hate being a burden as well.

This is not my first bout of spiritual warfare since I accepted Christ back into my heart, I had a huge bout of it while I was in STC (Special Training Company) at Boot Camp. My SDI (Senior Drill instructor) and Chaplain helped me though it which was awesome… they kept me out of MHU (Mental Health Unit) for the duration of my stay there, a lot of my problems was indeed my health back then as well. Truth is I haven’t been 100% since before boot camp.I wasn’t healing and then I started having nightmares… HORRIBLE nightmares… The most vivid was the one that liked to repeat itself regularly…

WARNING: The following paragraph is very graphic skip to the next paragraph if you cannot handle gory creepy evil stuff…

In my nightmares I would dream of this post apocalyptic world where demon-zombie entities terrorized those of us who were left… It was more vivid than any horror movie has ever been and probably ever will be. They would attack innocent people and commit the worst atrocities. the most vivid image that still terrorizes me from time to time was when I witnessed (in my dream of course) one of these evil entities ripping a woman’s unborn child from her womb and devouring in front of her before consuming her piece by piece as well… It was stuff like that constantly terrorized my dreams…

So my SDI allowed me and a select few other girls who had a strong grasp on our Marine Corps “knowledge” (aka all the textbook type stuff they teach you at boot camp i/e history, customs, specs, etc.) to read novels during our study times in order to keep us motivated (and in my case sane)… It helped immensely. My Chaplain gave me various verses to reference and helped distract me with a small bible collection in my footlocker of all the free versions he was given to distribute to recruits… along with a number of tracts and whatnot…  It’s amazing how those simple small things got me though it all.

But now this is different, I am in the real world not sheltered from society and protected like I was at Recruit training… now I have to worry about money, rent, and food. Now I have a dog that depends on me. Moses Helps me through it all now… When I have my night terrors (although the dreams tend to be flashbacks of my father’s suicide and/or alternate realities where I am tormented by my family and my memories, and my current life situations… Very much like the trippy dreams in the movie Shutter Island.

The dreams aren’t the only thing attacking me either. I am battling a waking depression that has slowly seeped in and took a hold of me while I was on a business trip to Yakima last week and tried to get me on Sunday while I was at church. It was so bad in fact that I just sat down when I was helping Jason set up for Sunday School and zoned out… Church helped in the end, Rex (our pastor) gave a great sermon that used the example of a Simpsons episode and how it is important to lead by example and to be missionaries… Living the Christian lifestyle… It lightened the load very much, however, I still feel this ever-tightening noose… And it’s everything for me to not crack at times.

But I do know this, I will get though it. God will prevail as he always does. And most importantly I know that God is in fact on my side…

And now for something kind of related but still completely different…

In reference to my failing health; It’s a bleeping mystery. I’ve had this rash that started when I was sick back in January and it has just been getting exponentially worse as I go along. While I was in Yakima I started getting sicker with my stomach problem (which is still not ‘cured’ and now I am unable to afford my prescription for Protonix — a 30 day supply for the GENERIC is over $120!) and my rash spread ever further and now I have a new symptom, some of the spots actually hurt under the skin… like one of my ribs will get sharp pains and feel like it has cracked or it will have a dull ache for hours at a time without anything even touching it…

So I went to St. Joe’s ER last night and had them look at it all.. They weren’t at all concerned about my generally feeling ill and nauseous so much as the rash that covers my body from toe to scalp. Truth is they had no clue as to what to diagnose me as… So they concluded that it was “dermatitis” (which is a fancy word for “rash”) and sent me home with a few prescriptions for anti inflammitories and benedryl for itching… I am also to see a dermatologist ASAP so I have an Appointment for Thursday… Hopefully they will be able to figure it all out then… I pray it is not too serious.

I also need to quit my job. When they hired me they told me it was a M-F 9-6 job that also required 2 Saturdays a month… However in reality I am driving a shit ton and my car is taking a beating for it, I am not getting paid even remotely adequate for gas, and I am working 10-12 hours for only 8 hours a day. I cannot do this and I cannot find another Job while doing this, so I have to quit… I mean this job has me literally losing my hair!!!!

So yeah, as it stands I am looking at unemployment in the eye, I need to find a new place for me and Moses to live, (although that is somewhat handled… ) and I still don’t know what is wrong with me… on the plus side? I have Jason, and I love him, and he loves me and takes such good care of me… He’s a real source of strength and wonder for me… it’s amazing!

The truth is out; I love him…

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So yesterday I had one of those overbearing feelings of dread… like something horrible happened or something… I had to see David (aka Spyder). I needed to know he was okay and well just to feel better which seeing his face does to me. Anyways when I txted him a message saying I was having a “feeling” he jumped right online to help me through it… no questions. He wanted to be there for me.

He’s always been there in those moments… from the moment I met him… it’s glorious… So I went through all of those crazy thoughts in my head; My father’s suicide… in front of me… How talking with him has uprooted my feelings that existed for him back in the day… How my ex lied, cheated, stole, and abused me… but none of that was it… nor was it my fear of his rejection when he finally does see me again soon… maybe Christmas, maybe my PTSD acting up…

Then he said somethins extrodinary….

look, we have a looooooooooooong history. we are gonna start at the bottom and work our way up. to slowly ease into this. which i feel could be…well, it could be it. yoou could be the one. i never wanna hurt you. sometimes it does happen unknowingly. and i wanna do my best to make sure you never frown. things are gonna happen, good or bad, it’s a matter of how you see them through. i’ve always loved you and thought of you as family. now, a different kind, heehee. but i will always ALWAYS be there for you as a friend and would never want to jeopardize that. and as for your father, i might be outta place, i understand what happened to you was VERY tramatic, VERY. but don’t hold onto what happened for something to push others away or to make yourself sink deeper. it’s like when I lost Riley … you learn from it and carry that knowledge with you your whole life. never look back on loved ones and their actions as something to be feared or hated … carry love in your heart always, you know very well, better than most, that shit really happens, in abundance, and i wanna be the one to help you through it … you gotta live for the now and the future, never the past … [Y]ou are beautiful, inside and out

This man is amazing… I love him… and I told him, and relief came; and so here it is… a young, old love… It’s special… like it was with Noah… that deeper feeling.. but maybe because it is so new??? -ish??? I mean I have always loved him as a friend… but it’s much more complicated than that now…. I have this feeling… like he is the one…. my someone just for me… Maybe I had to go through all my knocks to get this… it’s glorious… Now to just survive the military and long distance…. I think we will do okay… We just have to worry about time… and find out who each of us has and is becoming…

He’s more amazing than ever but i am also trying to keep my head out of the stars…

I’ve been thinking a lot… (a letter to Noah)

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I would be nothing of who I am right now without you… Yet strangely enough one of my best friends from High school and beyond has come along and I think it’ll work… even if it is long distance while we’re in the military… (yeah I am going back… It’s unfinished business now…)

We would’ve been great together; and I know we would have made it work… we could have been happy too. I am fairly confdent in that; and with that I will always love you… and you will always be the father of my first child… Nothing will change that. We loved it that much I know… For the first time since we lost our baby i am pretty sure I am going to be okay. I still wish I had tried harder for us and didn’t run; but I think that fate decided it had something different in store for us when I did.

I know you are doing good for yourself and you’re gonna be okay; but if you EVER need me I am here… there’s that bond we share that can’t be destroyed… circumstances don’t allow a close friendship so much; but you will always be in my thoughts and in my heart.

I am getting an orchid on my ankle for our baby. I want you to know. It’s not fair we lost it. there is nothing fair about it…. and the bond that child made from me to you will ever keep you tied to me; but please, do me a favor and make sure you are happy; find yourself the right girl if you find you aren’t already with her… (I think you just might be…) and make lots of little noahs…. the world needs more of you in it.

We never talked about losing it though; not really. I think we should have; maybe we still should… either way I will always be here for you… no matter the circumstance, no matter where I am, I will do whatever I can to help you… And plus; I still owe you and dusty a beer.

I hope this letter isn’t overwhelming; the content isn’t very light… but I needed to get it off my chest. I’m forever bonded to you in some special way and I know that I want you happy…

Best wishes Noah; my forever friend.

~KD

The Words… THOSE words…

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So; someone loves me, actually and truthfully loves me… said IT… the words… the whole 3 words… I couldn’t say it back no not yet… I feel it deep down somewhere… in the pit of my stomach… but holding it down is my only defense; I never had walls up against him… I never wanted or needed to… and I am glad for it now; but it makes me vulnerable and weak which scares me.

I can see it all with him though… plain as day; and since he said it the world seems so much more well… more. Colors are brighter, music is sweeter, art is more meaningful… This scares me although I find it thrilling… Like one of those roller coasters that you know people have died on but you gotta go ride it anyways…

So we’re really gonna try for it… you know; and I know e can make me happy… he’s always been one of my truest friends… maybe this is just the right time for us to be “us” now… I just wish he wasn’t s horribly far away….

Figuring my “ish” out…

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So I still want to go back… I have tried and tried to get the Marine Corps Recruiters to work with me and it have been an uphill battle the whole way… What I fear is that even if I can get my waivers and all that they will try to stick me with a shitty job… Honestly; just for the title is that really worth it?

No matter what branch I join I will still get the same pay, benefits, and GI bill… so why no try to figure out an alternative plan incase the marines try to screw me as they are so known for… Yes I still want it… Desperately…. but I can’t compromise too much for a title… It goes against my nature.

I am doing okay in school still… been having a hard time doing my homework with my life so busy with work and I was so lonely for a time… now I think I might be stepping into something a bit more appropriate for my situation… While I wish life could be easier it could work… (I hope.)

Anyways; So I am going to talk to the other recruiters after their holiday weekend… not just the marines but teh navy Air Force and Army… I honestly never gave them the time of day before… and I really think I should give them a chance… hear what they have to say, and decide that way…

Either way I cannot afford school the way that I am doing it… I am already in debt up to my eyeballs and school just adds to it…. If I reenlist then I can take night classes while I am in… I think taht would be good for me…

SO here I stand… a bit older and a bit wiser staring my unknown future in the face… again…

As for news on my eyes/health/etc:

Went to the eye doctor and he looked in there and said that if he didn’t know better he would never have guessed my eye had been injured….

My legs don’t hurt anymore which is good… so that’s a plus… just got to build strength again… (another reason why another branch may be a better choice…)

My gastritis hasn’t flaired up in a while… and I haven’t been very careful at all… I just don’t drink as much… oh well…

All the other stuff was pretty superficial as well.. so I just need me a physical and that is good…

oh yeah and some dental work (not so good…)