Category Archives: Life

Articles involving my life and/or my views on life, this categorization fits most of all my blog postings on my personal blog.

Anticipating the double-edged sword…

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Well, it looks like my journey towards finishing my associate’s degree is coming up quick. This morning I registered for my final classes that I will be taking at Pierce College. Additionally, I stopped by Pacific Lutheran University and made sure that I got my ducks in a row including looking into signing up for on-campus housing. With any luck, I will get a one-bedroom loft style townhouse on campus; which would be pretty sweet… If not, I will end up in some other sort of dorm situation.

I also managed to grab a coffee with my friend Tommy (yes, the same one I was in love with when I was in high school) and managed to have a bit of a heart to heart about all the changes that will be coming up in the next year or so. He agreed it is a sad situation, but he also believes that I am doing the right thing for myself as well. It’s a comfort to hear from him as he has always been one of the people who knows me the best on this planet. He also agreed that given my physical limitations and fixed income, that I am making the right decisions in choosing to live on campus rather than getting an apartment… That way I can focus on school and do my very best.

It’s all like a double edged sword – in one way it is exciting that I will be going to a four year university and living on campus like I had always imagined; but at the same time, this also means that Steven and I will likely be splitting up in one form or another which means that a very special and wonderful time in my life may potentially be coming to a close. Steven and I will be seeing a couples counselor to help us work through this awkward situation and see what we can figure out, but if I were to be completely pragmatic with myself, I understand that the chances of us working this out while spending about two years apart puts the odds against us.

In other news, this quarter has been pretty rough on me. I missed a lot of school this February due to digestive issues and doctor’s instructions to remain on bed rest. Consequently my grades are not up to my usual standard, and rather, I am looking to simply pass all my classes with semi-decent grades… I am hopeful for my grades in English and Geology as my teachers have been very accommodating of my situation, however, at the same time, Forensic Anthropology, which was already difficult in the first place, has me slipping in the grade department, and ASL is pretty much the hot mess I expected it to be.

In ASL I need to come up with a true story to sign to the class for my final… I can’t seem to think of anything except my father’s suicide, which would be a difficult topic for me to cover. At the same time however, I think that it might actually be the best one as it was so formative for who I ended up becoming as an adult. The process will be emotional; but I think, with any luck, my teacher might give me a little grace for some of the participation points that I may have missed by not performing a story that Iw as supposed to sign a couple weeks ago.

As it stands now, I should be focusing on studying for a Geology test that I have in the morning rather than rambling onto a blog which is unlikely to be read, but I think documenting this time in my life will be good for me, even if it will likely be difficult at times.

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My Blog has a New home…

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Initially, I was going to use this domain to post a portfolio of some of my art and whatnot, but I decided to just make it a full-blown blog. I did decide to carry over my original WordPress blog which has content that dates back to 2001 such as some of the songs and poetry that I wrote while I was still in Highschool. It’s funny to look back on some of the older stuff; while surely, I remember creating it all and the experiences that surrounded them. However, at the same time it feels like all that stuff happened to someone else a thousand lifetimes ago. Since then there have been a number of distinctive stages to my adult life, many of which are right here on this blog. Not everything is representative of who I am now, but it is reflective of who I was at the time.

I have always tried to just be true to myself on here, and writing this is more for me than anyone else, but I do have nosy friends who care about me and what’s happening in my life (Love you guys!) so I figure, why not keep the blog going???

Before anyone gets worked up about some of the “protected” posts, they’re usually personal and/or involve other people who may or may not want me saying my thoughts in a massively public forum; so only some people with the right password(s) have access to them… If you’re really so curious, shoot me a message, I may just let you see it. If not, I’ll at least give you a reason why.

Well, feel free to rummage around my ramblings… and if it strikes you, make a comment or two; I love comments!

Trading the fiddle for the drum.

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So I’m staying down at Sven and Anne’s this weekend doing a photo shoot for the series I am working on… And in all of it — in all my recent miseries and sadness and mourning for the marriage I thought I would have but never received — the heartache and abandonment and frustration at a life promised but never given… In all my aching discontent and the compounding of a lifetime of regrets… In all the sadness heart break and absolutely shattered dreams… I’ve contented myself with the empty promises made to me before by my now husband… Thinking the time was nigh and that it was only right… Driven by dogmas I never fully believed and realizing that I was blinded by a fantasy we all maintain about him and who he is… Even his parents are split now from the very same lies and deceit that has plagued our relationship in its entirety and his relationships before ours.

But today, sweet today when it hit me that I finally am following through on one of my earliest childhood dreams — working on a genuine film project… And The Lord shall provide… Now I am free from so many of the demons who have plagued me in all these years – strike that, my whole life. Old curses I must battle with for my whole life… regardless of them being my sins or not.

Today I took a free second sitting for a breath after an exhausting but fulfilling and absolutely fun day and I saw that old sparkle I had In my soul; the girl who built guitars for a living, the apprentice to the master blade smith who turned down working on Lord of the Rings… The confident passionate twig of a girl in the blue herringbone dress…. That spark I see it it’s back when I thought it faded so long ago.

I dread returning to my current life. I feel the fool and the sucker for falling for it all twice. How long have I been consumed by not having an escape plan with the drawdown… consumed by people telling me my aches and pains were punishments for my failures. That I am worthless and completely underwhelming. The sickly little girl with all the bullshit stories… No way has she lived that life…

I don’t deserve broken promises… I don’t deserve broken anything… God made me amazing and unique I see. Myself at peace in the vestiges of my old life… Sadly I have the one I did to return to for good… I don’t need the things he does… Stuff is stuff… It’s time to move on and grow… I am fucking amazing I just needed a friend to genuinely show me… To mean it with no ulterior motive, one I know isn’t a bullshitter.

I won’t just walk out on him… Yes he broke the deadlines I set… I was too lenient… My spark lives again… The me inside pure and I undefiled…. The me with a thousand impossible stories and memories to fit in one lifetime….

Marrying him was yet again a way to run away from the aches or failures and I allowed myself to be consumed by my pain by my desieses… Consumed by sickness and sloth rather than forcing myself to grow out of the pain and the hurt and emerge as a Phoenix from the fire…. Afraid to lose my old friends and abandoning my family– no my families in the process… I see the beauties of my old life and I see the beauties in the aches….

The resentments I have held for so long i see now….. Yes my family is sad, sick,and desiesed —- but they are mine. Yes Jason is my family and his has welcomed and loved me… I can’t just give up and walk out on them…

Ill do my duties that I believe are my responsibility… Yes I even have had Excapes offered… But I’ll do it right….. Ill prepare myself for a new life…. Ill set new deadlines, and I will live my life without giving up on who I am…. If he cannot accept it then let him decide it’s time to move on… and if the work doesn’t prove plentiful, if there is no progress, if I have exhausted all options for fixing it all, then and then only can I move on.

I cannot let my passions die again… Misch worked so hard to show me my beauty… And I lost it…. But today looking in thr mirror I saw me again….. The model. The runner. The dreamer. The creator. The fighter… The person who killed her bucket list in high school because she knew she could do anything… I needed to be reminded I am amazing…

I am more than my wounds, I am more than my misery… I am more than the multiple tragic ballads written about me…. I am a warrior, a victor, a lover and a fighter….. I am sentimental and easily entertained…. I am loving, generous, and amazing with a million things to offer the world.

Hengist was right about so much at his wedding about me…. Always my truest friend… He watched me let myself die and I ignored his pleas at me to stop the insanity…. Jason was the easy way I thought… The safest way… But I was so wrong…

Ill try everything I can, I’ll play hard ball… But I won’t sit by letting myself die and become someone I’m not…. This is all going to hurt but why keep hurting the ones who love me by rolling over… Ill fight… Ill unleash Kara…. God have mercy on those who will not let her live…

I traded my war drum in when I washed out of the corps… I let my failure consume me and settled into the first life that might bring me comfort… That might bring me the American dream I so believe in and wanted to fight for… Picket fence and kids… Yes I still want it, but why settle for the image when the reality is shit??? Why settle?!

Yes I’ll try everything — but that’s for me more than anyone else… I will try to give it all a fair chance; because if I just quit what am I worth??? I won’t quit, but I won’t spend my life beating a dead horse…. I can’t… Living in this lonely misery with my passions behind me, Waiting to be seen and noticed, to be loved, waiting for affection and attention that will not come…

And tomorrow I go back… I pray and hope I don’t let myself roll over… I don’t take it.. I prove myself worthy of the gifts I have been given by so many… Time to not only get healthy in my mind, in my body too… the blue herringbone may never fit again…. but thats okay, I grew, I will do better and greater things…. I will create, and love all those I turned away from and honor them by honoring myself… I have to… otherwise what’s the point of living?

Harvest Feast, Halloween, and Hanging out…

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I know I am petty bad about updating this thing, but really my blog its more for me than anyone else… If you choose to read it I do appreciate it, but really it is primarily a way for me to sort my thoughts out…

Since the breakup a lot has gone on, and yet not much at all… But life is starting to look up. I’ve been growing inside, which is great, I’ve seen a lot of good stuff happening around me… then again I guess there’s a lot of heart aches too.

I know the Jason is hurting and that kills me. I hate seeing a friend going through so much pain and knowing that it is my doing. but I have to be true to myself… and even Jason admits that he was trying to change me.

So Halloween went pretty well, I spent the weekend with Hengist, Mira, Thorolf, and Sabrina… It was really nice having us all together all weekend. On friday night we all went up to a Halloween party at a friend’s house in Bremerton. I ended up dressing as “Rosie the Rivitor”… Even loaned me an aluminum pipe wrench that totally made the costume… And I got to see a bunch of my friends that I haven’t seen in way too long. It was really a blessing.

Saturday we all went to another party in Seattle… And there I got to see a bunch more of my SCA friends that I haven’t seen in months or in a couple of cases a few years (along side the usual suspects of course)… This time I borrowed one of Mira’s costumes and so I was an “anarchy cheerleader.” Yet again we all got goofy and had a great time…

Strangely enough, Sunday everything was pretty tame… Mira had a belly dancing show scheduled at Karma in Puyallup, and Sabrina headed back home to Yakima. So Hengist, Mira, Thorolf and I went to the show where we saw Dana also… But the venue was putty barren so we just ate a nice indian food dinner… (lamb vindaloo – yum!) Mira want feeling too hot anyways, so it was probably good that she didn’t dance.

On monday, I woke up sicker than snot with a fever… And I have spent the whole week in bed recovering… It’s a brutal bug this year, almost everyone we saw this weekend caught some variation of it (lucky butts Sabrina and Thorolf exempt)…

I was capable of functioning about midday friday which is good because I discovered a horrible lump on Moses’s torso… so by the generous grace of Sven and Anne, we took Mo to the vet. The very want quite sure what was going on, but after he took some fluid from the limp he saw it was infected so mo got a shot of strong antibiotics which have been helping immensely…

Moses is still having thyroid troubles,  so we adjusted his meds a bit, hopefully that helps with his neurological problems, but he is ever too skinny… He only weighed in at 9.1 lbs when he should be somewhere around 16 lbs…. So somehow we have to get him eating enough food to start putting on the weight. Wish him luck, he needs it.

Saturday was harvest feast… Which was okay, but Hengist and Mira didn’t go because they couldn’t eat anything on the menu (stupid gluten), and Sven didn’t go because he was a groomsman in a wedding. Feasts are so bunch more fun with them there…

After harvest feast Thorolf and I went to an after party which was pretty tame (that was preferable though) and later we went to see my friends the Hard Money Saints, and James Hunnicutt play at a bar just past the Roy Y. It was great seeing James, Jack, Mondo and Nick after so long… Kinda weird wearing my viking garb to the trail end of a rockabilly show, but all was good. Lastly we hit up Walmart to pick up some last-minute toys for tots donations then home…

I think I did way too much because I’m feeling pretty icky again (or still) but it has been great seeing all my friends I have been missing. Kills like I may have some photocopy gigs coming up possibly too to help concert my gas bill a bit better… Which is a relief… But a real job is priority…

Also congrats go to my cousin who had her baby… He is a cutie-pie although I have never met him because I have been sick… And I have a phone interview on the 12th.. So wish me luck with that… I have been out of work so long… I’m stir crazy…

I feel like I’m figuring myself out which is exactly what I need to do… Still waiting on my final “no”from the military, and if that happens I will look into counseling to help sort me out memtally a bit more… I think it could be of great value…

I’ll try to keep this a bit more updated… It’s good for me to write out my thoughts, and if you care to read my ramblings, great! If not, oh well… like I said this is mostly for me!

Now that it’s over…

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So a lot has happened lately, but the most has happened in the last week. Primarily, Jason and I broke up. While yes, we did have a relatively happy and healthy relationship, we also had some issues. (Besides if anything “relatively happy” isn’t enough – thanks for teaching me that daddy, miss you) Jason is an amazing man, and I really wish that it could have worked out for us, but at the core we had irreconcilable differences… At least we both were able to recognize this before we got married then ended up divorced.

But I have known this and been fighting it for some time… Deep down I already accepted our demise long before it came to this inevitable end. So now I wonder what exactly is going to happen, and what should I do…

With all the goals that I have set for myself, I can’t sit here in morn too long. I want to be a mother more than anything, and I just can’t wait forever to make that happen. But I also want to do it the right way, I getting married first and such. So really what I’m asking myself I guess, is if something that seems that might work comes along should I jump on it? or should I just sit here feel sorry for myself? The problem in that is that feeling sorry for myself just doesn’t seem right. But I don’t want to hurt Jason by it either.

I can’t really put words how bad I feel for Jason. He really did make me happy but pieces of me where missing in our relationship. I tried to hold on as long as I could, but without any major changes the inevitable was bound to happen. I tried to let his stuff grow on me and I tried to give up some of my things that he didn’t want, but I just couldn’t change and it didn’t work.

In the end I like who I am and I like who he is, but when the fairytale honeymoon was over, we just are not right for each other. I hope he can realize this in I hope we can stay friends, but if not I guess that is just how it has to be.

I’m grateful for the time we had, I’m sorry it had to end, but somewhere out there is someone special just for me. Just like there is someone special out there just for him.

Just an update…

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So I just got a new phone, hopefully this means that I will be posting a bit more often than I have been. It’s funny how out of touch not having a phone makes you. I didn’t even realize that I have really been that out of touch.

Currently, I am out of work, but it seems that a few opportunities are opening up for me, so one is bound to pan out. Moses has also been really sick. He has a condition with his esophagus where it doesn’t push the food all the way down to his stomach. Basically muscles right above the opening to his stomach are dead. It’s a pain but its something we can work with, we just have to hold him up vertical after every meal.

Other than that not much else is going on…caught up witha friend or two and ive just been living my life. Hopefully I will have more to report later. Have nice day!

Learning to Dream again…

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Recently I have spent a good amount of my time focusing on developing my life goals and dreams. Sad to say, it seems that I have greatly lapsed in this skill since my school days, so now I am starting over from scratch as an adult. So the following are some questions I have snagged from Ravi Vora. I do not know him personally, however, I did find the post I have linked to particularly helpful in stimulate my brain back into dreaming big once again. So without further ado, here goes!

Q: If you had $100 million dollars what would you do? Money is no issue. just imagine what you would do with your life if money didn’t matter.

A: I would freely give back to all of my friends who have helped me along the way so far repaying their endless generosity with interest and enjoy changing their lives for the better as they have for me in the past. I would also have my own family and raise my children up teaching them about the world by showing them through travel and historical study. I want to be able to support any and all of their talents so that they can make a name for themselves.

Q: What do you think about when you think about Nothing? I believe that when you think about nothing, you are thinking about what you love. When I lay down at night and clear my head for sleep, something always comes rushing back in. The things I love most.

A: When I clear my head an think about nothing, the things that most often cross my mind are having a fmaily and raising them. I also think about having the time and money to adequately enjoy my hobbies and passions like my Viking Age reenactment, building guitars, and my photography. Mostly my thoughts are centered around raising my family to enjoy my passions with me.

Q: What makes you happy every day? Just one thing, however big or small. Expand upon this and you will be closer to figuring out your dream.

A: Jason make me happy every day by letting me know that I am loved and cherished. he makes me feel as it his love and blind affection are completely unconditional for me. All I’ve ever really wanted is to love and be loved and he provides me with this every day.

Q: If you had 60 minutes to live what would you do? Sometimes in your last moments you make crazy decisions. These are our gut instincts and can be associated to our big dream.

A: I would gather my dearest friends and relatives and tell them all that I love them. I would hope that Jason would honor my by marrying me (before God) before I die and spend my last moments with the family that loves me wholly and completely.

Q: What is one thing about your life that you would change right now? Got it? Now change it.

A: I would fix my finances and be ready to get married… I want a family and the love that I believe I will be able to express once I get to have a family of my own.

Q: How do you define success? From having a million stamps to having a million friends on Facebook, success is a general term that each of us define for ourselves. Once you know what your definition of success is, you will be able to go for it.

A: I believe that someone  is successful when they have found what  is meaningful in their lives and have afforded themselves the opportunity to balance that with their spirituality and home life. This also means that one has found a functional and lawful way of achieving this in society.

Q: If you wrote your autobiography, how would you want people to remember you? If you want people to remember you a hero, then start working towards that goal.

A: I want to be remembered as someone who has overcome the many turmoils in life and loved freely, laughed, often and gave much to the world.

Q: If you could visit one place in the world, where would it be? Making a concrete choice will lead you to what you need and will start to drive you towards that place.

A: For me it is hard to choose just one place. But I guess where I would like to go most of all someday is to Disneyland with my (future) family. I want to show them the place where everyone can be a child just like my father showed me.

Q: What is one thing that interests you more than anything else? Whether it’s a hobby, and object, or a person, there’s something you’re interested in so much that it drives you. figure out why you are so interested in it and you will find your big dream.

A: The one thing that drives me is the idea of having a family, Raising them and loving them. I’m interested in it because I love and want to be loved without it ever being circumstantial.

Q: What do you hate doing? Sometimes you can find what you want to do by eliminating what you dislike doing.

A: I hate when I am forced to be false and work below my skill level. I don’t like fulfilling obligations to those who belittle me because in the end they are always going to tear me down.

Q: Who do you admire most? If they have what you want then maybe they are living your dream (or have lived it). Figure out how to live that dream too.

A: I admire those who are able to love, be loved, and love themselves freely. I admire those who have a healthy and happy family life

Q: What is one thing you would change about the world? Now go change it.

A: I’d change all the propaganda that teaches people to be one thing or another because society says so rathewr than to follow their passions and fulfill their responsibilities to God and their loved ones.

Q: What are you doing when you feel the most alive? Is it  skydiving? Writing? Speaking in front of people? Whatever gives you the thrill of living is a great indication as to what you want to really do with your life.

A: I feel the most alive when I am able to forget all the many demons in my life and rather spend my time freely loving on those who deserve it and return their love to me as well.

Q: What was the happiest moment of your life? Find a way to make that moment last the rest of your life.

A: I don’t think it’s happened yet, but rather is going to happen wen I can finally say I have a family.

Q: What is one thing you would change about your past? When we look into our past, we can see what will affect our future. So you can either figure out a way to make that a positive part of your past, or learn from it and move forward. Either way, you’re finding the change to point to your dream.

A: I would have appreciated my family more when we actually got along in my youth. I wish I could have known what I would be mission before it was actually missing.

The Wonders Never Cease…

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So I finally got another job… and this one doesn’t seem too shady or anything which is a relief… It seems like all here is out there are shady schemes or scams someone is trying to pull on some poor unsuspecting person who is completely desperate for a job. It’s sad to see how much evil that there is out there in our world today.

It seems so often that people use our world’s sad condition as a sign that the end times are coming… but I don’t know about that… I just don’t see the signs equaling what others try to denote them as. I guess I’m just blessed with an over-abundance of hope versus the average person. Where so many people see inevitable doom I am fortunately able to see hope and room for growth and improvement.

I will admit that I cannot always see things so happy and great… I am also burdened with a low self esteem, and a tendency to also see a hopeless future referring to my self. But, I blame my upbringing. I was raised in a house where everyone is mentally ill. I am half convinced that my family is cursed. From time to time I have fought some fierce battles inside myself desperate to hold on to what shreds of sanity remain, and I can say that I am foru fortunate enough to claim a general success.

Things are starting to look up for me. I’ve been fighting a lengthy and tiring spiritual battle for the last few months. I’d forgotten that once you grab on to a faith that is genuine that’s when the real demons come out to test you and make you let go. It hasn’t been easy; but I have been determined to hold on. The service last week on mothers day spoke to me in a much needed way… which is great. That little bit that spoke to me extra special seemed to be the thing that broke me loose from those bonds that those demons had a hold of me and allowed me to come out of my hole again. the funny thing is, I can’t tell you exactly what it was that did it though; just that it happened.

Sure my problems are still problems; but suddenly they are so much easier to deal with. Money is still an issue; and it will probably continue to be for some time. However, whatever it was that was holding me back from fully opening myself to God (which seems silly I know, given the whole he knows everything) no longer has that hold on me… I’ve been able to write in my prayer journal again and while my entries may be short, they are consistent.

I’ve been able to ask god to show me his will, and to mean it… I believe there is a significant difference there… and by doing so I have been blessed. I asked God to help me find a job that he wants me to have, and within days I have a decent job offer. I see the blessings beginning to abound in my life again. So this is good.

I can only hope that God also blesses you in the many ways he has blessed me as well. It’s amazing how the wonders never cease.

Getting down again…

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So I’m getting down on myself again… the source this time??? the chord and jack on my laptop are broken and/or dying thus making it more difficult to charge my laptop battery and consequently keep power. So what’s the big deal right? get it fixed!

I’d like to think that, but honestly I can’t justify spending half the money of what an equivalent laptop of this one will cost versus just saving to buy a new one. Sounds simple enough, until I remind myself that I have no income at this point. Sure I do have my store (which sells all kinds of healthy and household goods most of them organic and eco- friendly… )  but in truth it just went live and I still have no customers (so if you want to help me though my current difficult time, be sure to buy something!) and thus no income!

So why not put it on credit? Because I have enough debt with my extensive medical bills and the last thing I need is to add more debt to my problem… so I guess I am stuck praying to god that Lappy#2 lives just a bit longer…. (Lappy#1 died just before I left for boot camp in Nov. 2007 – I bought Lappy #2 just after I got out of boot in April of 2008 – Thus Lappy#2 is due for retirement)

So I am a bit stressed again… Job hunting isn’t going as easy as it did last time… but it’s better than trying to handle everything while working 12 hour days 6 days a week… so pray for me and wish me luck… I need it right now…

Looking back through my memories…

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So I have been spending a lot of my new found free time posting up most of my old poetry from 2001 and 2002… It’s funny how it all feels so different now… a lot of it was so innocent – yet I had no clue.. and still it was not that innocent at the same time. I had already endured and experienced so much by then. It’s just so hard to believe that that was the time that made me into who I am today.

Now I see a lot of the lasting effects of those times, how I see the world, how I act, how I feel, and probably most importantly how I give large pieces of myself away to other people and causes… A lot of the stuff that concerned me then is almost comedic… while I find it ironic that I have run back to my faith of that time as well.

A few funny ironies abound through it all… At that time I was a youth leader at Impact at Life Center… Rex was one of the main pastors there… it’s kind of funny as well, because now he is the main pastor at my new church. Also from that time, I thought I would need Tommy forever… and love him… I mean, he was my first love afterall… without his influence I seriously doubt that I would be half the woman I am today… Now he’s married and living his life… we have generally lost touch except for Facebook…

But that is all okay. I am back in God’s graces after my years of anger at him for not stepping in when I heard my dad crying to him for a break from the pain… I have been blessed too. I have found a deep love with an old friend… we are so compatible in so many ways, and yet we continue to grow towards each other. I am happy and I see a future… something I have always wanted to share… and now I truly believe that I have found that someone to share it all with… if you told me I’d be saying this back then – especially considering who it is… I’d have died of laughter… and so would he… but God works in funny ways… and I am blessed for it. I can only hope Jason is blessed for it too.