Category Archives: A Personal Blog

My personal real life experiences. Warning: This is uncensored and some of the content may not be suitable for all audiences.

Anticipating the double-edged sword…

Standard

Well, it looks like my journey towards finishing my associate’s degree is coming up quick. This morning I registered for my final classes that I will be taking at Pierce College. Additionally, I stopped by Pacific Lutheran University and made sure that I got my ducks in a row including looking into signing up for on-campus housing. With any luck, I will get a one-bedroom loft style townhouse on campus; which would be pretty sweet… If not, I will end up in some other sort of dorm situation.

I also managed to grab a coffee with my friend Tommy (yes, the same one I was in love with when I was in high school) and managed to have a bit of a heart to heart about all the changes that will be coming up in the next year or so. He agreed it is a sad situation, but he also believes that I am doing the right thing for myself as well. It’s a comfort to hear from him as he has always been one of the people who knows me the best on this planet. He also agreed that given my physical limitations and fixed income, that I am making the right decisions in choosing to live on campus rather than getting an apartment… That way I can focus on school and do my very best.

It’s all like a double edged sword – in one way it is exciting that I will be going to a four year university and living on campus like I had always imagined; but at the same time, this also means that Steven and I will likely be splitting up in one form or another which means that a very special and wonderful time in my life may potentially be coming to a close. Steven and I will be seeing a couples counselor to help us work through this awkward situation and see what we can figure out, but if I were to be completely pragmatic with myself, I understand that the chances of us working this out while spending about two years apart puts the odds against us.

In other news, this quarter has been pretty rough on me. I missed a lot of school this February due to digestive issues and doctor’s instructions to remain on bed rest. Consequently my grades are not up to my usual standard, and rather, I am looking to simply pass all my classes with semi-decent grades… I am hopeful for my grades in English and Geology as my teachers have been very accommodating of my situation, however, at the same time, Forensic Anthropology, which was already difficult in the first place, has me slipping in the grade department, and ASL is pretty much the hot mess I expected it to be.

In ASL I need to come up with a true story to sign to the class for my final… I can’t seem to think of anything except my father’s suicide, which would be a difficult topic for me to cover. At the same time however, I think that it might actually be the best one as it was so formative for who I ended up becoming as an adult. The process will be emotional; but I think, with any luck, my teacher might give me a little grace for some of the participation points that I may have missed by not performing a story that Iw as supposed to sign a couple weeks ago.

As it stands now, I should be focusing on studying for a Geology test that I have in the morning rather than rambling onto a blog which is unlikely to be read, but I think documenting this time in my life will be good for me, even if it will likely be difficult at times.

My Blog has a New home…

Status

Initially, I was going to use this domain to post a portfolio of some of my art and whatnot, but I decided to just make it a full-blown blog. I did decide to carry over my original WordPress blog which has content that dates back to 2001 such as some of the songs and poetry that I wrote while I was still in Highschool. It’s funny to look back on some of the older stuff; while surely, I remember creating it all and the experiences that surrounded them. However, at the same time it feels like all that stuff happened to someone else a thousand lifetimes ago. Since then there have been a number of distinctive stages to my adult life, many of which are right here on this blog. Not everything is representative of who I am now, but it is reflective of who I was at the time.

I have always tried to just be true to myself on here, and writing this is more for me than anyone else, but I do have nosy friends who care about me and what’s happening in my life (Love you guys!) so I figure, why not keep the blog going???

Before anyone gets worked up about some of the “protected” posts, they’re usually personal and/or involve other people who may or may not want me saying my thoughts in a massively public forum; so only some people with the right password(s) have access to them… If you’re really so curious, shoot me a message, I may just let you see it. If not, I’ll at least give you a reason why.

Well, feel free to rummage around my ramblings… and if it strikes you, make a comment or two; I love comments!

Aside

The biggest problem facing college students today is simply affordability. Not only is the expense of tuition prohibitively high for many individuals, but also the cost of required textbooks and supplies create further barriers for prospective and current students. Aside from the significant expenses of being in school, a student may find their earning potential significantly handicapped due to limited availability for employment due to their class schedules and study requirements. Fortunately, there are some solutions for schools and students to help alleviate some of the difficulties of college affordability. Traditionally, many students have pursued numerous scholarships to help with paying for many of the expenses of going to school. this is still something that students should look into by any student who needs help paying for school. However, some campuses are taking further steps to help alleviate the burden of affordability for some college students. In addition to providing scholarships, many schools are beginning to provide more and more classes that utilize “open-source” textbooks, which are available for free to students. Many programs on campuses also provide lending libraries for students so that they might be able to avoid spending large amounts of money on books that they will only need to use for a short time. By helping students to eliminate the cost of many of their textbooks, colleges can assist students in saving hundreds of dollars each term. This helps colleges in significantly relieving much of the immediate financial burden of their students currently attending college.

What’s the biggest challenge facing college students today and how can it be addressed?

It’s been a while…

Standard

I haven’t posted on here in a long time. Over a year. Truth is my life has been quite the roller coaster and I was reveling in my privacy. What I do find is funny, is that in over a year’s absence my blog has had more “hits” than in previous years combined.

Originally this was a somewhat anonymous place I posted things, I didn’t really worry about who would find things or when but then things got real. I left my husband and all the raw emotions that went with that on both sides was too much to be airing out in public on the internet for anyone to see. In retrospect, I am glad I held back – I am almost certain that I would probably aired some dirty laundry that most certainly should not be aired in a public forum such as this…

I have experienced new highs and lows that have molded me yet again in my life to someone who is stronger and better for the experiences encountered, even if it feels like most of  the last year has been filled with drama and chaos. I have my own place again that is all my own. Haven’t had a place completely to myself since before I joined the Marine Corps. Dated here and there… Had my heart handed to me a few times and really looked back on what I really want out of life.

Truth is, I still am not completely certain.

Trading the fiddle for the drum.

Standard

So I’m staying down at Sven and Anne’s this weekend doing a photo shoot for the series I am working on… And in all of it — in all my recent miseries and sadness and mourning for the marriage I thought I would have but never received — the heartache and abandonment and frustration at a life promised but never given… In all my aching discontent and the compounding of a lifetime of regrets… In all the sadness heart break and absolutely shattered dreams… I’ve contented myself with the empty promises made to me before by my now husband… Thinking the time was nigh and that it was only right… Driven by dogmas I never fully believed and realizing that I was blinded by a fantasy we all maintain about him and who he is… Even his parents are split now from the very same lies and deceit that has plagued our relationship in its entirety and his relationships before ours.

But today, sweet today when it hit me that I finally am following through on one of my earliest childhood dreams — working on a genuine film project… And The Lord shall provide… Now I am free from so many of the demons who have plagued me in all these years – strike that, my whole life. Old curses I must battle with for my whole life… regardless of them being my sins or not.

Today I took a free second sitting for a breath after an exhausting but fulfilling and absolutely fun day and I saw that old sparkle I had In my soul; the girl who built guitars for a living, the apprentice to the master blade smith who turned down working on Lord of the Rings… The confident passionate twig of a girl in the blue herringbone dress…. That spark I see it it’s back when I thought it faded so long ago.

I dread returning to my current life. I feel the fool and the sucker for falling for it all twice. How long have I been consumed by not having an escape plan with the drawdown… consumed by people telling me my aches and pains were punishments for my failures. That I am worthless and completely underwhelming. The sickly little girl with all the bullshit stories… No way has she lived that life…

I don’t deserve broken promises… I don’t deserve broken anything… God made me amazing and unique I see. Myself at peace in the vestiges of my old life… Sadly I have the one I did to return to for good… I don’t need the things he does… Stuff is stuff… It’s time to move on and grow… I am fucking amazing I just needed a friend to genuinely show me… To mean it with no ulterior motive, one I know isn’t a bullshitter.

I won’t just walk out on him… Yes he broke the deadlines I set… I was too lenient… My spark lives again… The me inside pure and I undefiled…. The me with a thousand impossible stories and memories to fit in one lifetime….

Marrying him was yet again a way to run away from the aches or failures and I allowed myself to be consumed by my pain by my desieses… Consumed by sickness and sloth rather than forcing myself to grow out of the pain and the hurt and emerge as a Phoenix from the fire…. Afraid to lose my old friends and abandoning my family– no my families in the process… I see the beauties of my old life and I see the beauties in the aches….

The resentments I have held for so long i see now….. Yes my family is sad, sick,and desiesed —- but they are mine. Yes Jason is my family and his has welcomed and loved me… I can’t just give up and walk out on them…

Ill do my duties that I believe are my responsibility… Yes I even have had Excapes offered… But I’ll do it right….. Ill prepare myself for a new life…. Ill set new deadlines, and I will live my life without giving up on who I am…. If he cannot accept it then let him decide it’s time to move on… and if the work doesn’t prove plentiful, if there is no progress, if I have exhausted all options for fixing it all, then and then only can I move on.

I cannot let my passions die again… Misch worked so hard to show me my beauty… And I lost it…. But today looking in thr mirror I saw me again….. The model. The runner. The dreamer. The creator. The fighter… The person who killed her bucket list in high school because she knew she could do anything… I needed to be reminded I am amazing…

I am more than my wounds, I am more than my misery… I am more than the multiple tragic ballads written about me…. I am a warrior, a victor, a lover and a fighter….. I am sentimental and easily entertained…. I am loving, generous, and amazing with a million things to offer the world.

Hengist was right about so much at his wedding about me…. Always my truest friend… He watched me let myself die and I ignored his pleas at me to stop the insanity…. Jason was the easy way I thought… The safest way… But I was so wrong…

Ill try everything I can, I’ll play hard ball… But I won’t sit by letting myself die and become someone I’m not…. This is all going to hurt but why keep hurting the ones who love me by rolling over… Ill fight… Ill unleash Kara…. God have mercy on those who will not let her live…

I traded my war drum in when I washed out of the corps… I let my failure consume me and settled into the first life that might bring me comfort… That might bring me the American dream I so believe in and wanted to fight for… Picket fence and kids… Yes I still want it, but why settle for the image when the reality is shit??? Why settle?!

Yes I’ll try everything — but that’s for me more than anyone else… I will try to give it all a fair chance; because if I just quit what am I worth??? I won’t quit, but I won’t spend my life beating a dead horse…. I can’t… Living in this lonely misery with my passions behind me, Waiting to be seen and noticed, to be loved, waiting for affection and attention that will not come…

And tomorrow I go back… I pray and hope I don’t let myself roll over… I don’t take it.. I prove myself worthy of the gifts I have been given by so many… Time to not only get healthy in my mind, in my body too… the blue herringbone may never fit again…. but thats okay, I grew, I will do better and greater things…. I will create, and love all those I turned away from and honor them by honoring myself… I have to… otherwise what’s the point of living?

Harvest Feast, Halloween, and Hanging out…

Standard

I know I am petty bad about updating this thing, but really my blog its more for me than anyone else… If you choose to read it I do appreciate it, but really it is primarily a way for me to sort my thoughts out…

Since the breakup a lot has gone on, and yet not much at all… But life is starting to look up. I’ve been growing inside, which is great, I’ve seen a lot of good stuff happening around me… then again I guess there’s a lot of heart aches too.

I know the Jason is hurting and that kills me. I hate seeing a friend going through so much pain and knowing that it is my doing. but I have to be true to myself… and even Jason admits that he was trying to change me.

So Halloween went pretty well, I spent the weekend with Hengist, Mira, Thorolf, and Sabrina… It was really nice having us all together all weekend. On friday night we all went up to a Halloween party at a friend’s house in Bremerton. I ended up dressing as “Rosie the Rivitor”… Even loaned me an aluminum pipe wrench that totally made the costume… And I got to see a bunch of my friends that I haven’t seen in way too long. It was really a blessing.

Saturday we all went to another party in Seattle… And there I got to see a bunch more of my SCA friends that I haven’t seen in months or in a couple of cases a few years (along side the usual suspects of course)… This time I borrowed one of Mira’s costumes and so I was an “anarchy cheerleader.” Yet again we all got goofy and had a great time…

Strangely enough, Sunday everything was pretty tame… Mira had a belly dancing show scheduled at Karma in Puyallup, and Sabrina headed back home to Yakima. So Hengist, Mira, Thorolf and I went to the show where we saw Dana also… But the venue was putty barren so we just ate a nice indian food dinner… (lamb vindaloo – yum!) Mira want feeling too hot anyways, so it was probably good that she didn’t dance.

On monday, I woke up sicker than snot with a fever… And I have spent the whole week in bed recovering… It’s a brutal bug this year, almost everyone we saw this weekend caught some variation of it (lucky butts Sabrina and Thorolf exempt)…

I was capable of functioning about midday friday which is good because I discovered a horrible lump on Moses’s torso… so by the generous grace of Sven and Anne, we took Mo to the vet. The very want quite sure what was going on, but after he took some fluid from the limp he saw it was infected so mo got a shot of strong antibiotics which have been helping immensely…

Moses is still having thyroid troubles,  so we adjusted his meds a bit, hopefully that helps with his neurological problems, but he is ever too skinny… He only weighed in at 9.1 lbs when he should be somewhere around 16 lbs…. So somehow we have to get him eating enough food to start putting on the weight. Wish him luck, he needs it.

Saturday was harvest feast… Which was okay, but Hengist and Mira didn’t go because they couldn’t eat anything on the menu (stupid gluten), and Sven didn’t go because he was a groomsman in a wedding. Feasts are so bunch more fun with them there…

After harvest feast Thorolf and I went to an after party which was pretty tame (that was preferable though) and later we went to see my friends the Hard Money Saints, and James Hunnicutt play at a bar just past the Roy Y. It was great seeing James, Jack, Mondo and Nick after so long… Kinda weird wearing my viking garb to the trail end of a rockabilly show, but all was good. Lastly we hit up Walmart to pick up some last-minute toys for tots donations then home…

I think I did way too much because I’m feeling pretty icky again (or still) but it has been great seeing all my friends I have been missing. Kills like I may have some photocopy gigs coming up possibly too to help concert my gas bill a bit better… Which is a relief… But a real job is priority…

Also congrats go to my cousin who had her baby… He is a cutie-pie although I have never met him because I have been sick… And I have a phone interview on the 12th.. So wish me luck with that… I have been out of work so long… I’m stir crazy…

I feel like I’m figuring myself out which is exactly what I need to do… Still waiting on my final “no”from the military, and if that happens I will look into counseling to help sort me out memtally a bit more… I think it could be of great value…

I’ll try to keep this a bit more updated… It’s good for me to write out my thoughts, and if you care to read my ramblings, great! If not, oh well… like I said this is mostly for me!

Now that it’s over…

Standard

So a lot has happened lately, but the most has happened in the last week. Primarily, Jason and I broke up. While yes, we did have a relatively happy and healthy relationship, we also had some issues. (Besides if anything “relatively happy” isn’t enough – thanks for teaching me that daddy, miss you) Jason is an amazing man, and I really wish that it could have worked out for us, but at the core we had irreconcilable differences… At least we both were able to recognize this before we got married then ended up divorced.

But I have known this and been fighting it for some time… Deep down I already accepted our demise long before it came to this inevitable end. So now I wonder what exactly is going to happen, and what should I do…

With all the goals that I have set for myself, I can’t sit here in morn too long. I want to be a mother more than anything, and I just can’t wait forever to make that happen. But I also want to do it the right way, I getting married first and such. So really what I’m asking myself I guess, is if something that seems that might work comes along should I jump on it? or should I just sit here feel sorry for myself? The problem in that is that feeling sorry for myself just doesn’t seem right. But I don’t want to hurt Jason by it either.

I can’t really put words how bad I feel for Jason. He really did make me happy but pieces of me where missing in our relationship. I tried to hold on as long as I could, but without any major changes the inevitable was bound to happen. I tried to let his stuff grow on me and I tried to give up some of my things that he didn’t want, but I just couldn’t change and it didn’t work.

In the end I like who I am and I like who he is, but when the fairytale honeymoon was over, we just are not right for each other. I hope he can realize this in I hope we can stay friends, but if not I guess that is just how it has to be.

I’m grateful for the time we had, I’m sorry it had to end, but somewhere out there is someone special just for me. Just like there is someone special out there just for him.

Just an update…

Standard

So I just got a new phone, hopefully this means that I will be posting a bit more often than I have been. It’s funny how out of touch not having a phone makes you. I didn’t even realize that I have really been that out of touch.

Currently, I am out of work, but it seems that a few opportunities are opening up for me, so one is bound to pan out. Moses has also been really sick. He has a condition with his esophagus where it doesn’t push the food all the way down to his stomach. Basically muscles right above the opening to his stomach are dead. It’s a pain but its something we can work with, we just have to hold him up vertical after every meal.

Other than that not much else is going on…caught up witha friend or two and ive just been living my life. Hopefully I will have more to report later. Have nice day!