According to Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” a suprising percentage of men secretly suffer from a significant level of insecurity. In many (if not most) of these cases, men reported that they oftentimes feel like an impostor when faced with the unfamiliar and fear that their inexperience concerning the situation at hand will be found out.
I am not too surprised to hear about this. I know that with mu experience in the working world, I have frequently identified with the same concept of being an “impostor” and consequently, dealt with a good amount of insecurity and inadequacy. Oftentimes when I am out in the world or at work, I frequently worry about my coworkers and superiors discovering when I don’t know exactly what I am doing or when I lack experience in something, much like the men discussed in Feldhahn’s book.
Where I believe my case may differ from many of those men, is that I don’t think I am unsure about something. While I personally feel and oftentimes may fear that I am going to be “found out” for my secret uncertainties. truthfully, I don’t believe the external repercussions of being “found out” are as strong as if a man was “found out.”
I believe that it also differs in that I do not worry so much about being found out at home. when I feel loved and trusted at home, it is easy to open up and discuss my shortcomings and uncertainties that I fear being discovered at work or in public. I don’t let my “impostor syndrome” affect my home life.
I believe that it is important to create an affirming safe haven at home. In order to do this, I believe that one must provide an escape from the many stressful things that provide the many insecurities in our lives. One should also be very assuring of their trust in their man and his ability to provide for and take care of his family; especially by expressing their love and desire to be with him.
If/when I perceive insecurity in the man I am with, I oftentimes will begin to feel a bit of it as well. Mainly, I will feel insecure about my ability to build him up and strengthen him. In a way I will also feel bad for him in that he does not have a stronger woman to build him up where I have already failed.
I am sure that I also have unintentionally made my man feel more unsecure that before when I have taken the opportunity to tell him to do something “better” without even giving him a chance to try whatever it is that he is doing his way. Other times, I have been guilty of questioning “his way” when he was only trying whatever “it” is for the first time.
Sometimes when he is worn down on his business, I try to affirm him by praising his vast knowledge and experience. i try to let him know exactly how proud I am of him and how much I appreciate how he takes care of me. I also do my best to express to him just how confident I am that he will provide for me and our future family (assuming things keep going the way they are going).
In the end, I believe it is important for every woman to recognize a man’s need for her to build him up and express her trust, respect, love, and faith in him. These things (which to some women may seem small) are absolutely essential to assuring her man of her affections for him and oftentimes being able to put his insecurities to rest.
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.