Monthly Archives: June 2010

Pretty Woman

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In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she discusses how men surveyed for her book felt about how important looks are to them and the effects of a woman maintaining herself for her man.

I personally believe that a man is completely justified in wanting his woman to make a genuine effort towards her appearance and at taking care of herself. In my opinion, if a husband truly does love his wife, then a lack of self maintenance on her part, should be relatively disconcerting . A woman’s self maintenance is not only important because of her own health and well being, but the gesture of a woman trying to look her best around her man shows she cares. This not only helps in validating their relationship, but also helps to validate him as a man.

If one were to also consider God’s stance concerning their appearance, a plethora of theological and sociological contradictions would come flooding out. It is my own opinon that God would rather have his children find comfort in their own skin than ascribe themselves to some unreachable goal that the media shows us “what women should look like” every day.

I think God wants for us to treat our bodies as temples just as the bible suggests. Therefore, to properly respect it, one must make every reasonable effort at maintaining it so that it may stay healthy and energized.

In this chapter, the author made a big deal about the topic at hand being very hard-hitting and potentially hurtful to the reader.I however, was suprizingly unmaimed by the chapter’s contents. it just makes sense to me that a man wants a woman to put up an effort at being beautiful for him. Honestly I see it all as a two-way street. Now, I don’t neccessarily want my man to be taking care of himself solely for me, but rather that I would like to see him do it for himself and be healthy – the fact that he looks better the more he works out is just a bonus.

I guess the thing that did hit home for me in the chapter was how badly I need to go to the gym. My man goes to through a lot of effort to take care of himself, and I can’t honestly say that my efforts are comparable. In truth, I need to drop the excuses tht have been holding me back and get to work. I won’t say that this chapter triggered any sort of emotional reaction from me such as the author suggested, but I can see where other more sensitive women might get upset at the idea that their man wants them to look good for them.

I personally find myself very encouraged when I read “Sometimes I’ll meet a man whose wife is overweight – but she takes care of herself. She puts some effort into appearance… if she is comfortable in her own skin and is confident you don’t notice the extra pounds. I look at that husband and think he did well.” It goes to show that men really don’t generally set impossible expectations for the woman they love but rather, they appreciate when their woman makes the effort to be beautiful for their man. I myself am relatively comfortable in my own skin. Sure, I have my own insecurities – a good number of them. While I know I am out of my ideal shape, and I have some weight to lose, I also know that my condition is not helpless and that in itself is the thing that brings me the most comfort.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

You can look, but don’t touch….

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In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she discusses the natural urge for men to look at and or think of various women throughout the day.

I guess what challenged me most about this chapter was how the author explained that most women don’t have pictures and images of men going and going through their minds later on after they have seen them. I guess I must think more on the plane of a man, because while I don’t think I necessarily struggle with tiny little men dancing through my head all day everyday, it does happen on a relatively frequent basis.

I will admit there’s a difference from my mind the average male’s. I probably have my boyfriend’s image pop up in my head on a relatively higher ratio than what I would expect from him in respects to me. I am not afraid to admit that I do have a movie star or two will cross my mind on a relatively regular and sometimes frequent basis (depending on what movies I have been watching around that time of course).

Truth be told, I can completely understand why most men will take a good look at an “eye magnet” if they get the chance to. It is my belief that God created the form of a woman to be a work of beauty that is meant to be admired by the man. Oftentimes, I will even notice a particularly beautiful woman myself and have to admire her as such, but then again that may just be the artist in me talking.

It is my opinion that one of the many major problems with our society today is that it has confused beauty with sex I really am sympathetic  to every man’s plight of  being bombarded every day with sexual imagery. Unlike generations past where men would have to specifically seek out sexually explicit imagery, men today are inundated with sexual images in the media or even with many of the women walking around in public.

I find it kind of absurd when women today complain that they do not want to be seen as sexual objects and yet they are the ones wearing skimpy, tight, and revealing clothing. I have come to believe that modesty has been lost on the younger generations of today. I will even include my own generation in this statement. I can remember being teased for not dressing “fashionable.” Back in those days I would usually dress in the baggy clothes often attributed to a skater, these were not only comfy and utilitarian, but they also were modest. In all honestly I have always found tight shirts and low cut jeans quite slutty, and while I do dress much more fashionably today, I still do make many efforts to remain modest in my dress.

For many people there is a very fine line between temptation and sin. Oftentimes people will even blur them together saying that the temptation itself is a sin. I would like to remind those individuals that even Jesus was tempted to sin in his time on earth. The sin itself doesn’t lie within temptation, but rather it is in acting upon that temptation.

Everyone is bound to be tempted at one time or another, perhaps a husband will be having a beer with his buddies down at the local watering hole and some hot supermodel looking lady propositions him. By nature he will probably imagine all that would entail and even be tempted to act upon that proposition. I believe that the temptation in that situation is not the sin; but rather if he were to take her up on that offer, it would be.

While most women are probably surprised to hear or are even horrified by the idea of their man thinking of explicit images, especially ones of other women; A good proportion of those women would also see this as a betrayal of them, but they should take care to recognize that these thoughts are oftentimes uncontrollable – they just pop into a man’s head without warning.

One way that I believe women can show love, trust, and support for their man is by not berating them for looking at or even thinking of another woman from time to time (if it is excessive however you guys may have something much more serious to discuss). If you see your man looking at a noticeably beautiful woman, admit that you think she is beautiful (out loud), you will likely be alleviating some of the guilt that he may have been feeling for simply peeking at her and you will really show him how much you trust him.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

You can look, but don’t touch….

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In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she discusses the natural urge for men to look at and or think of various women throughout the day.

I guess what challenged me most about this chapter was how the author explained that most women don’t have pictures and images of men going and going through their minds later on after they have seen them. I guess I must think more on the plane of a man, because while I don’t think I necessarily struggle with tiny little men dancing through my head all day everyday, it does happen on a relatively frequent basis.

I will admit there’s a difference from my mind the average male’s. I probably have my boyfriend’s image pop up in my head on a relatively higher ratio than what I would expect from him in respects to me. I am not afraid to admit that I do have a movie star or two will cross my mind on a relatively regular and sometimes frequent basis (depending on what movies I have been watching around that time of course).

Truth be told, I can completely understand why most men will take a good look at an “eye magnet” if they get the chance to. It is my belief that God created the form of a woman to be a work of beauty that is meant to be admired by the man. Oftentimes, I will even notice a particularly beautiful woman myself and have to admire her as such, but then again that may just be the artist in me talking.

It is my opinion that one of the many major problems with our society today is that it has confused beauty with sex I really am sympathetic  to every man’s plight of  being bombarded every day with sexual imagery. Unlike generations past where men would have to specifically seek out sexually explicit imagery, men today are inundated with sexual images in the media or even with many of the women walking around in public.

I find it kind of absurd when women today complain that they do not want to be seen as sexual objects and yet they are the ones wearing skimpy, tight, and revealing clothing. I have come to believe that modesty has been lost on the younger generations of today. I will even include my own generation in this statement. I can remember being teased for not dressing “fashionable.” Back in those days I would usually dress in the baggy clothes often attributed to a skater, these were not only comfy and utilitarian, but they also were modest. In all honestly I have always found tight shirts and low cut jeans quite slutty, and while I do dress much more fashionably today, I still do make many efforts to remain modest in my dress.

For many people there is a very fine line between temptation and sin. Oftentimes people will even blur them together saying that the temptation itself is a sin. I would like to remind those individuals that even Jesus was tempted to sin in his time on earth. The sin itself doesn’t lie within temptation, but rather it is in acting upon that temptation.

Everyone is bound to be tempted at one time or another, perhaps a husband will be having a beer with his buddies down at the local watering hole and some hot supermodel looking lady propositions him. By nature he will probably imagine all that would entail and even be tempted to act upon that proposition. I believe that the temptation in that situation is not the sin; but rather if he were to take her up on that offer, it would be.

While most women are probably surprised to hear or are even horrified by the idea of their man thinking of explicit images, especially ones of other women; A good proportion of those women would also see this as a betrayal of them, but they should take care to recognize that these thoughts are oftentimes uncontrollable – they just pop into a man’s head without warning.

One way that I believe women can show love, trust, and support for their man is by not berating them for looking at or even thinking of another woman from time to time (if it is excessive however you guys may have something much more serious to discuss). If you see your man looking at a noticeably beautiful woman, admit that you think she is beautiful (out loud), you will likely be alleviating some of the guilt that he may have been feeling for simply peeking at her and you will really show him how much you trust him.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

Let’s talk about sex baby…

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In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she takes a whole chapter out to specifically discuss sex in marriage. She does also take the time to state that she believes it should only occur in th confines of marriage. With that in mind, this post will be written under that premise.

Honestly, I was a bit surprised to read that most married man carry an emotional connection to sex with their wives. It seems that you always hear so much in the media about how men are just animals and how they are just out to fill a carnal need. In understand that sex is indeed a very physical need for all men with numerous health benefits. I also have been aware that sex is emotional for most men on occasion and I was surprised to hear that it s more frequent than not when a man is in love.

An important thing that women should consider is what kinds of messages they are sending to their husbands when they initiate sex. When a man’s wife initiates sex with him, it can send a very powerful message saying that he is both wanted and desired by his wife. This can be empowering to him as a man and provide a significant boost to his self-worth that he would not be able to get anywhere else.

It seems that women should want to have relations with their husbands quite regularly, but that us not always the case. The most frequent complaint I have heard women give about why they aren’t intimate is that everyday life gets in the way and they are just too exhausted by the end of the day to consider being intimate.

Personally, I believe that it is very important for every man and woman to make regular exceptions to their routines for their own good and, perhaps more importantly, for their significant other’s good. When a man sees his wife break her regular routines in order to please him (or vice versa) it can assure them that they are deeply loved, honored and respected. In terms of sex, not only are the physical effects good for both parties involved, but, the emotional and psychological effects are innumerable.

At one point, Feldhahn quotes what one man believes, “In making love, there is one other person  in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged.” I believe that this guy speaks directly to the heart of what it is all about. I hope that someday my (future) husband will see sex in this light and feel that same way.

I truly hope and dream the in the future I will be able to create a happy and healthy home environment for my man to feel safe enough to completely be himself without worries or stress. I can only hope that he would hope for and work towards the same as well and we will be able to remain happy together.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

The Provider

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In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she discusses the deeply rooted need that most men have to provide for their women and their families. All to often anymore, it seems that women are expected to provide on an equal level with their men. Unfortunately, it also seems that men are now told they are no longer needed to be providers. For me, it was a comfort to read that the traditional ideals of a man providing for his family are not completely lost.

Personally, I do not feel the need to take on the role as a primary fiscal provider one I have a family. It may sound a bit archaic and traditionalist, but I feel that once I start my family, my place is to be in the home taking care of my children.

Now I have no qualms if some women want to have careers. It’s no for me is all. I can work if I need to, I just prefer to stay at home taking  care of it and my family. I prefer to think that I will be the one socializing and raising my children rather than paying someone else to do it for me. To be perfectly honest, I would have an extremely difficult time spending all of the money I earn at my job on paying for daycare where someone else to do what I would rather be doing if I wasn’t working anyways. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Now please understand that I do not believe that staying at home and raising my family means that I just want to stay at home watching daytime television and eating bon-bons (yuck to both!). Rather, I believe that a stay at home wife/mom’s responsibilities are to take care of the household.

As a single woman however, I do my best to take care of and fully provide for myself in order to lessen the already plentiful burdens that I lay upon my man. I do what I can to help him with his business so that he may provide for us using that someday.

Given that we do not live together, that fact that my man works many long hours does not affect us too deeply. It does on occasion interfere with our ability to see each other and spend time together. It is something that I oftentimes find frustrating, but I do my best to be supportive and encouraging of him in all of his efforts.

I do unfortunately find myself oftentimes complaining that I do not get to see my man as much when he is being responsible and building his business. I know he is doing this as a means to provide for his future family (he oftentimes reminds me of this), but I still am not always mindful of him in this, and unfortunately, I do not always appreciate the full depth of what he is doing. I am proud to say that I do sometimes, on occasion, get it right when I encourage and support him in his efforts and assure him that I believe in him and support him in everything he is doing.

Personally, I find a man’s need to provide as something wonderful. It all too often is a disappearing trait in this modern society as so many women make a point of beating men down for wanting to provide and care for their women. Rather than putting a man down with such a noble motivation, I believe that women should make every effort to validate and support their man’s need to provide for them.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

“Impostor Syndrome”

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According to Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” a suprising percentage of men secretly suffer from a significant level of insecurity. In many (if not most) of these cases, men reported that they oftentimes feel like an impostor when faced with the unfamiliar and fear that their inexperience concerning the situation at hand will be found out.

I am not too surprised to hear about this. I know that with mu experience in the working world, I have frequently identified with the same concept of being an “impostor” and consequently, dealt with a good amount of insecurity and inadequacy. Oftentimes when I am out in the world or at work, I frequently worry about my coworkers and superiors discovering when I don’t know exactly what I am doing or when I lack experience in something, much like the men discussed in Feldhahn’s book.

Where I believe my case may differ from many of those men, is that I don’t think I am unsure about something. While I personally feel and oftentimes may fear that I am going to be “found out” for my secret uncertainties. truthfully, I don’t believe the external repercussions of being “found out” are as strong as if a man was “found out.”

I believe that it also differs in that I do not worry so much about being found out at home. when I feel loved and trusted at home, it is easy to open up and discuss my shortcomings and uncertainties that I fear being discovered at work or in public. I don’t let my “impostor syndrome” affect my home life.

I believe that it is important to create an affirming safe haven at home. In order to do this, I believe that one must provide an escape from the many stressful things that provide the many insecurities in our lives. One should also be very assuring of their trust in their man and his ability to provide for and take care of his family; especially by expressing their love and desire to be with him.

If/when I perceive insecurity in the man I am with, I oftentimes will begin to feel a bit of it as well. Mainly, I will feel insecure about my ability to build him up and strengthen him. In a way I will also feel bad for him in that he does not have a stronger woman to build him up where I have already failed.

I am sure that I also have unintentionally made my man feel more unsecure that before when I have taken the opportunity to tell him to do something “better” without even giving him a chance to try whatever it is that he is doing his way. Other times, I have been guilty of questioning “his way” when he was only trying whatever “it” is for the first time.

Sometimes when he is worn down on his business, I try to affirm him by praising his vast knowledge and experience. i try to let him know exactly how proud I am of him and how much I appreciate how he takes care of me. I also do my best to express to him just how confident I am that he will provide for me and our future family (assuming things keep going the way they are going).

In the end, I believe it is important for every woman to recognize a man’s need for her to build him up and express her trust, respect, love, and faith in him. These things (which to some women may seem small) are absolutely essential to assuring her man of her affections for him and oftentimes being able to put his insecurities to rest.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she discusses a number of things that are integral to a man’s inner psyche. These things can sometimes be overlooked by a woman who is unaware and/or uneducated on the things that make men and women so very different from each other.

Perhaps one of those things that is most overlooked in our society today is respect. A very enlightening thing that Feldhahn’s book teaches is that this is not a standalone detail. Very closely integrated with respect is trust. Now most women (such as myself) really do love and respect their man whole-heartedly, but the problem is, these things are oftentimes lost in translation between men and women.

The thing that seems to challenge me is how these things are lost in translation between my man and I. until reading about it, I had thought that I do  a pretty good job of expressing my respect and trust to my man, and consequently my love for him. What surprised me after some personal reflection and analysis, is that oftentimes it’s a lot of the smaller gestures that I have always assumed most men never noticed are the ones that really are monumental.  Unfortunately these are oftentimes the gestures that show the most disrespect and distrust instead of the love, respect, and trust you might try to express to him on a regular basis. Usually these things are hidden in simple and ordinary everyday occurrences.

For example, the other day, my man was driving us to Seattle as another car veered towards us and I instinctively gasped. Having just read about showing trust and respect through small gestures, I was mindful of how these small moments and actions can speak to a man. So, I said,”It’s not that I don’t trust you, I do. It’s just that I don’t trust that  [CENSORED] driving the black SUV over there.” He stayed focused on the road  (like the good driver he actually is) and said “No, you don’t trust me.”
“What are you talking about?!”
“No, you don’t trust me, because if you trusted me, you’d trust me  to be able to get out of the way of that [CENSORED] driver and avoid getting hit.”

After hearing that I was somewhat shocked. I’ve been telling my man that same thing since we started dating, thinking that I was expressing my trust in him, when in actuality, I have been expressing a significant amount of distrust. Consequently, I have been disrespecting him almost every time he was driving us around the [CENSORED] Seattle drivers on the road.

As if showing my man distrust and disrespect wasn’t enough, the truth is, many men (and women) connect those actions to the actual concept of being loved. While for most women, love is something that is purely emotional, most men will tie love and respect to each other that they end up practically indistinguishable. According to Feldhahn’s findings, many of the men surveyed and interviewed saw love and respect as the exact same thing.

This can sometimes lead to misunderstandings between couples. Men trying to express their love for their women will do so by showing her the utmost respect, but might be a bit emotionally disconnected. Women on the other hand might express a purely emotional love to their man but also be completely lacking in expressions of trust and respect. I believe it is when both man and women recognize these perceptions and needs (either consciously or subconsciously), that you see a couple who can be truly satisfied in their partners expressions of love.

It is not at all uncommon to find yourself unintentionally disrespecting your man (like you saw I have done earlier), there may be times where you are exceptional at trusting, loving, and respecting him – even when he is not around.

Historically, I have been known to moan, groan, and complain about my significant others to my friends, family, and coworkers behind his back (again, not to be intentionally disrespectful) as a means to air out my frustrations with him while avoiding a confrontation between us.

However, with the man I am with now, I find myself talking about how awesome and amazing he is even when he is nowhere around, and to people who have never even met him. I don’t ever find myself putting him down, but rather, I brag about him and how much I trust him to take care of my future.

I will admit, I do joke at his expense some. I would not be surprised at all to hear that the jokes I make tear him down some even. So I am now making an effort to shift what i say to be more constructive than destructive and praiseworthy such as commenting on all the awesome things he does for me and how lucky I really am to have him in my life.

In Feldhahn’s discussion guide for the book, she asks, “Consider the marriage advice of the Apostle Paul, ‘So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.’ (Ephesians 5:33) What us the connection of a husband loving his wife and a wife respecting her husband?”

I believe the answer is that a man will have a hard time believing that his wife loves him if there is no respect for him as survey results suggest that many men count love and respect to be one and the same. it is hard for a man to express love to his wife if he questions her love for him because of a lack of respect for him.

In conclusion, I believe that respect is perhaps the single most necessary thing for a woman to give the man she loves, as without it one might question if there ever really was love at all.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.