Monthly Archives: May 2010

“The Seven Revelations”

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In the first chapter to Shaunti Feldhahn’s book “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men,” she introduces the reader to what she calls ‘the seven revelations.’ These are seven of the very most basic (and consequently important) commonalities that she found most men interviewed and/or surveyed had during Feldhahn’s research for her book which included hundreds of interviews and surveyed hundreds of men nationwide and from all sorts of walks of life and ages.

I am not going to go into very much detail as to what they all are here, as they will be covered in much better detail later on, but I also intend on limiting what I divulge of Feldhahn’s writings for multiple reasons:

  1. I do not wish to misrepresent anything she has written.
  2. I really believe that you should go out and buy the book so you can see and interpret it all for yourself.
  3. My whole purpose for doing this is personal growth. I am doing this book study for me and consequently for my man as I have every intention of being the best woman I can be for him.

I have decided to post what I have found in the hope that what I write may help someone out there, so if that is you, I would like to reiterate how much I think you should go buy a copy of Feldhahn’s book for yourself – I am sure there is much more for you there than you will find in my meager writings.

In her first chapter, Feldhahn introduces the “seven revelations” which are:

  • “Men need respect”
  • A woman doesn’t have to look like a model, but making an effort to take care of yourself speaks volumes to him.
    • He would rather feel like he is unloved than to have no respect.
  • “Men are insecure.”
    • Despite looking “in control” on the outside, men oftentimes feel like “imposters” and fear that their various inadequacies will be discovered.
  • “Men are providers.”
    • Even if you made enough money that he would not have to work, he would still feel like he needs to provide for you.
  • “Men want more sex.”
    • A woman’s sexual desire for her husband affects his overall sense of “confidence” and “well-being.”
  • “Men are visual.”
    • Even men who are happily married are drawn to and struggle with images of other women both externally and mentally.
  • “Men are unromantic clods.”
    • Most men want some degree of romance, but many hesitate out of fear that they will fail at it.
  • “Men care about appearance”
(Paraphrased from p. 15 of “For Women Only”)

In the discussion guide, (a highly recommended companion to the book) she asks “Which of the seven revelations are you implementing best and which one is most likely to require changes in your life?” My response was as follows:

I am pretty understanding about men being bombarded with thoughts about most every woman they see. I believe it’s something that can’t be helped for many men in our society given  the almost constant onslaught of sexual imagery and the current state of fashion lacking in any sense of modesty.

I think it would be beneficial to work on allowing my man to be more in control and expressing my confidence in him and his abilities. In the past I have always been very confident in my abilities to handle a lot of the “manly” fix-it type tasks, and I have a strong tendency to interject when i should probably just express my trust and confidence in his capabilities and remain silent as form of expressing my trust and respect. Just telling him that I believe in him can only really mean so much without a physical manifestation of it to truly show my feelings.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

Introduction: “For Women Only.”

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Recently, I have been studying a book called “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of menby Shaunti Feldhahn. (The copy I have also includes the discussion guide for the book as well and you may see me reference that on occasion as well.)This book is all about what every woman needs to know about the inner lives of men. Now, when I picked up the book, I was actually looking at it to see how I could make fun of it for the silly title expecting it to be some piece of completely laugh-worthy  feminist propaganda. After all, what the hell does a woman know about the inner workings of men? Her answer: Not much. but that does not mean a woman shouldn’t make an effort to try to understand the inner workings of her man and other men in general.

What I immediately liked about this book is that it is not only practical and easy to read, but she actually researched the topic with hundreds of personal interviews and broad spectrum surveys including men of all ages and walks of life. These interviews and surveys provide significant evidence to the points she makes in her writing, suddenly making it a somewhat credible and reliable book.

The truth is, our world is confused on gender roles and what every person male and female needs in a relationship. Contrary to much of the feminist propaganda of recent times, man and women are not the same. It is very important that a woman considers her role in a relationship as mutual and includes supporting and encouraging her man every day. This is a two-way road however and it should also be noted that it is also every man’s responsibility to  support and encourage his woman as well. It seems that anymore, the key components to  building and maintaining a happy and healthy relationship have been forgotten as they are not considered to be “progressive” enough by a number of influential people. It is my belief that this is also the cause of the rise in the divorce rate. These same progressive ideals that turn us away from a relationship building mentality, also teach us to watch out for “number one” above all others. it is because of this fact and a lack of healthy examples for the younger generations to see that some of the most basic relationship skills have been lost and are no longer passed from generation to generation.

So does this mean that I think we should go back to some kind of archaic thought process and social system where women stay at home and remain solely subservient to their men? No! If some woman decides she wants to be a lawyer or a doctor, then by all means she should be able to do and do that if she so chooses to. I just believe that if she would like to have a happy and healthy relationship, she should recognize the very basic internal and emotional needs for her man and make every effort to provide for those specific needs before moving forward with her own agendas or (God forbid) insisting that he give up on those needs in order to be with her.

So, Over the next few weeks (or however long this takes), I will be going over many of the key points in Feldhahn’s book, and answering a number of questions from the discussion guide (which just happened to be included at the back of my copy of the book). If you (like me) care about your man and want to understand him just a little bit better, I highly recommend checking out this book.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any individual other than that of the author of this blog. Shaunti Feldhahn is in no way affiliated with this blog and is only referenced as the respected author of “For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men” and “For Women Only: Discussion Guide.” If you find these posts interesting, please show her the respect of purchasing and reading her books so that you may grow yourself.

Learning to Dream again…

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Recently I have spent a good amount of my time focusing on developing my life goals and dreams. Sad to say, it seems that I have greatly lapsed in this skill since my school days, so now I am starting over from scratch as an adult. So the following are some questions I have snagged from Ravi Vora. I do not know him personally, however, I did find the post I have linked to particularly helpful in stimulate my brain back into dreaming big once again. So without further ado, here goes!

Q: If you had $100 million dollars what would you do? Money is no issue. just imagine what you would do with your life if money didn’t matter.

A: I would freely give back to all of my friends who have helped me along the way so far repaying their endless generosity with interest and enjoy changing their lives for the better as they have for me in the past. I would also have my own family and raise my children up teaching them about the world by showing them through travel and historical study. I want to be able to support any and all of their talents so that they can make a name for themselves.

Q: What do you think about when you think about Nothing? I believe that when you think about nothing, you are thinking about what you love. When I lay down at night and clear my head for sleep, something always comes rushing back in. The things I love most.

A: When I clear my head an think about nothing, the things that most often cross my mind are having a fmaily and raising them. I also think about having the time and money to adequately enjoy my hobbies and passions like my Viking Age reenactment, building guitars, and my photography. Mostly my thoughts are centered around raising my family to enjoy my passions with me.

Q: What makes you happy every day? Just one thing, however big or small. Expand upon this and you will be closer to figuring out your dream.

A: Jason make me happy every day by letting me know that I am loved and cherished. he makes me feel as it his love and blind affection are completely unconditional for me. All I’ve ever really wanted is to love and be loved and he provides me with this every day.

Q: If you had 60 minutes to live what would you do? Sometimes in your last moments you make crazy decisions. These are our gut instincts and can be associated to our big dream.

A: I would gather my dearest friends and relatives and tell them all that I love them. I would hope that Jason would honor my by marrying me (before God) before I die and spend my last moments with the family that loves me wholly and completely.

Q: What is one thing about your life that you would change right now? Got it? Now change it.

A: I would fix my finances and be ready to get married… I want a family and the love that I believe I will be able to express once I get to have a family of my own.

Q: How do you define success? From having a million stamps to having a million friends on Facebook, success is a general term that each of us define for ourselves. Once you know what your definition of success is, you will be able to go for it.

A: I believe that someone  is successful when they have found what  is meaningful in their lives and have afforded themselves the opportunity to balance that with their spirituality and home life. This also means that one has found a functional and lawful way of achieving this in society.

Q: If you wrote your autobiography, how would you want people to remember you? If you want people to remember you a hero, then start working towards that goal.

A: I want to be remembered as someone who has overcome the many turmoils in life and loved freely, laughed, often and gave much to the world.

Q: If you could visit one place in the world, where would it be? Making a concrete choice will lead you to what you need and will start to drive you towards that place.

A: For me it is hard to choose just one place. But I guess where I would like to go most of all someday is to Disneyland with my (future) family. I want to show them the place where everyone can be a child just like my father showed me.

Q: What is one thing that interests you more than anything else? Whether it’s a hobby, and object, or a person, there’s something you’re interested in so much that it drives you. figure out why you are so interested in it and you will find your big dream.

A: The one thing that drives me is the idea of having a family, Raising them and loving them. I’m interested in it because I love and want to be loved without it ever being circumstantial.

Q: What do you hate doing? Sometimes you can find what you want to do by eliminating what you dislike doing.

A: I hate when I am forced to be false and work below my skill level. I don’t like fulfilling obligations to those who belittle me because in the end they are always going to tear me down.

Q: Who do you admire most? If they have what you want then maybe they are living your dream (or have lived it). Figure out how to live that dream too.

A: I admire those who are able to love, be loved, and love themselves freely. I admire those who have a healthy and happy family life

Q: What is one thing you would change about the world? Now go change it.

A: I’d change all the propaganda that teaches people to be one thing or another because society says so rathewr than to follow their passions and fulfill their responsibilities to God and their loved ones.

Q: What are you doing when you feel the most alive? Is it  skydiving? Writing? Speaking in front of people? Whatever gives you the thrill of living is a great indication as to what you want to really do with your life.

A: I feel the most alive when I am able to forget all the many demons in my life and rather spend my time freely loving on those who deserve it and return their love to me as well.

Q: What was the happiest moment of your life? Find a way to make that moment last the rest of your life.

A: I don’t think it’s happened yet, but rather is going to happen wen I can finally say I have a family.

Q: What is one thing you would change about your past? When we look into our past, we can see what will affect our future. So you can either figure out a way to make that a positive part of your past, or learn from it and move forward. Either way, you’re finding the change to point to your dream.

A: I would have appreciated my family more when we actually got along in my youth. I wish I could have known what I would be mission before it was actually missing.

The Wonders Never Cease…

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So I finally got another job… and this one doesn’t seem too shady or anything which is a relief… It seems like all here is out there are shady schemes or scams someone is trying to pull on some poor unsuspecting person who is completely desperate for a job. It’s sad to see how much evil that there is out there in our world today.

It seems so often that people use our world’s sad condition as a sign that the end times are coming… but I don’t know about that… I just don’t see the signs equaling what others try to denote them as. I guess I’m just blessed with an over-abundance of hope versus the average person. Where so many people see inevitable doom I am fortunately able to see hope and room for growth and improvement.

I will admit that I cannot always see things so happy and great… I am also burdened with a low self esteem, and a tendency to also see a hopeless future referring to my self. But, I blame my upbringing. I was raised in a house where everyone is mentally ill. I am half convinced that my family is cursed. From time to time I have fought some fierce battles inside myself desperate to hold on to what shreds of sanity remain, and I can say that I am foru fortunate enough to claim a general success.

Things are starting to look up for me. I’ve been fighting a lengthy and tiring spiritual battle for the last few months. I’d forgotten that once you grab on to a faith that is genuine that’s when the real demons come out to test you and make you let go. It hasn’t been easy; but I have been determined to hold on. The service last week on mothers day spoke to me in a much needed way… which is great. That little bit that spoke to me extra special seemed to be the thing that broke me loose from those bonds that those demons had a hold of me and allowed me to come out of my hole again. the funny thing is, I can’t tell you exactly what it was that did it though; just that it happened.

Sure my problems are still problems; but suddenly they are so much easier to deal with. Money is still an issue; and it will probably continue to be for some time. However, whatever it was that was holding me back from fully opening myself to God (which seems silly I know, given the whole he knows everything) no longer has that hold on me… I’ve been able to write in my prayer journal again and while my entries may be short, they are consistent.

I’ve been able to ask god to show me his will, and to mean it… I believe there is a significant difference there… and by doing so I have been blessed. I asked God to help me find a job that he wants me to have, and within days I have a decent job offer. I see the blessings beginning to abound in my life again. So this is good.

I can only hope that God also blesses you in the many ways he has blessed me as well. It’s amazing how the wonders never cease.