Monthly Archives: April 2010

Getting down again…

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So I’m getting down on myself again… the source this time??? the chord and jack on my laptop are broken and/or dying thus making it more difficult to charge my laptop battery and consequently keep power. So what’s the big deal right? get it fixed!

I’d like to think that, but honestly I can’t justify spending half the money of what an equivalent laptop of this one will cost versus just saving to buy a new one. Sounds simple enough, until I remind myself that I have no income at this point. Sure I do have my store (which sells all kinds of healthy and household goods most of them organic and eco- friendly… )  but in truth it just went live and I still have no customers (so if you want to help me though my current difficult time, be sure to buy something!) and thus no income!

So why not put it on credit? Because I have enough debt with my extensive medical bills and the last thing I need is to add more debt to my problem… so I guess I am stuck praying to god that Lappy#2 lives just a bit longer…. (Lappy#1 died just before I left for boot camp in Nov. 2007 – I bought Lappy #2 just after I got out of boot in April of 2008 – Thus Lappy#2 is due for retirement)

So I am a bit stressed again… Job hunting isn’t going as easy as it did last time… but it’s better than trying to handle everything while working 12 hour days 6 days a week… so pray for me and wish me luck… I need it right now…

Looking back through my memories…

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So I have been spending a lot of my new found free time posting up most of my old poetry from 2001 and 2002… It’s funny how it all feels so different now… a lot of it was so innocent – yet I had no clue.. and still it was not that innocent at the same time. I had already endured and experienced so much by then. It’s just so hard to believe that that was the time that made me into who I am today.

Now I see a lot of the lasting effects of those times, how I see the world, how I act, how I feel, and probably most importantly how I give large pieces of myself away to other people and causes… A lot of the stuff that concerned me then is almost comedic… while I find it ironic that I have run back to my faith of that time as well.

A few funny ironies abound through it all… At that time I was a youth leader at Impact at Life Center… Rex was one of the main pastors there… it’s kind of funny as well, because now he is the main pastor at my new church. Also from that time, I thought I would need Tommy forever… and love him… I mean, he was my first love afterall… without his influence I seriously doubt that I would be half the woman I am today… Now he’s married and living his life… we have generally lost touch except for Facebook…

But that is all okay. I am back in God’s graces after my years of anger at him for not stepping in when I heard my dad crying to him for a break from the pain… I have been blessed too. I have found a deep love with an old friend… we are so compatible in so many ways, and yet we continue to grow towards each other. I am happy and I see a future… something I have always wanted to share… and now I truly believe that I have found that someone to share it all with… if you told me I’d be saying this back then – especially considering who it is… I’d have died of laughter… and so would he… but God works in funny ways… and I am blessed for it. I can only hope Jason is blessed for it too.

And Now for Something Completely Different…

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Okay well maybe not completely different, probably just more of the same really. My life is changing more and more… it’s just crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am in this endless cycle that just repeats itself over and over again only with different names, places, and faces. yet now this time it’s a lot of the same names and faces… but all in different contexts…

So, I guess I will start on the religious front. I have been growing and growing in the lord which is awesome, but I guess that  couldn’t last too long without a struggle… so here it is; Spiritual warfare, and it sucks. My whole world has been falling down around me and my health is failing alongside it all.  Jason has been doing everything he can to try to help keep me afloat and growing — and his efforts have made a significant difference. I feel bad though because I know he wants to be my hero and fix it all and unfortunately he can’t. I am so afraid that I will drag him down with me. He keeps telling me its okay, but I know it affects him which worries me… I hate to see him hurting and I hate being a burden as well.

This is not my first bout of spiritual warfare since I accepted Christ back into my heart, I had a huge bout of it while I was in STC (Special Training Company) at Boot Camp. My SDI (Senior Drill instructor) and Chaplain helped me though it which was awesome… they kept me out of MHU (Mental Health Unit) for the duration of my stay there, a lot of my problems was indeed my health back then as well. Truth is I haven’t been 100% since before boot camp.I wasn’t healing and then I started having nightmares… HORRIBLE nightmares… The most vivid was the one that liked to repeat itself regularly…

WARNING: The following paragraph is very graphic skip to the next paragraph if you cannot handle gory creepy evil stuff…

In my nightmares I would dream of this post apocalyptic world where demon-zombie entities terrorized those of us who were left… It was more vivid than any horror movie has ever been and probably ever will be. They would attack innocent people and commit the worst atrocities. the most vivid image that still terrorizes me from time to time was when I witnessed (in my dream of course) one of these evil entities ripping a woman’s unborn child from her womb and devouring in front of her before consuming her piece by piece as well… It was stuff like that constantly terrorized my dreams…

So my SDI allowed me and a select few other girls who had a strong grasp on our Marine Corps “knowledge” (aka all the textbook type stuff they teach you at boot camp i/e history, customs, specs, etc.) to read novels during our study times in order to keep us motivated (and in my case sane)… It helped immensely. My Chaplain gave me various verses to reference and helped distract me with a small bible collection in my footlocker of all the free versions he was given to distribute to recruits… along with a number of tracts and whatnot…  It’s amazing how those simple small things got me though it all.

But now this is different, I am in the real world not sheltered from society and protected like I was at Recruit training… now I have to worry about money, rent, and food. Now I have a dog that depends on me. Moses Helps me through it all now… When I have my night terrors (although the dreams tend to be flashbacks of my father’s suicide and/or alternate realities where I am tormented by my family and my memories, and my current life situations… Very much like the trippy dreams in the movie Shutter Island.

The dreams aren’t the only thing attacking me either. I am battling a waking depression that has slowly seeped in and took a hold of me while I was on a business trip to Yakima last week and tried to get me on Sunday while I was at church. It was so bad in fact that I just sat down when I was helping Jason set up for Sunday School and zoned out… Church helped in the end, Rex (our pastor) gave a great sermon that used the example of a Simpsons episode and how it is important to lead by example and to be missionaries… Living the Christian lifestyle… It lightened the load very much, however, I still feel this ever-tightening noose… And it’s everything for me to not crack at times.

But I do know this, I will get though it. God will prevail as he always does. And most importantly I know that God is in fact on my side…

And now for something kind of related but still completely different…

In reference to my failing health; It’s a bleeping mystery. I’ve had this rash that started when I was sick back in January and it has just been getting exponentially worse as I go along. While I was in Yakima I started getting sicker with my stomach problem (which is still not ‘cured’ and now I am unable to afford my prescription for Protonix — a 30 day supply for the GENERIC is over $120!) and my rash spread ever further and now I have a new symptom, some of the spots actually hurt under the skin… like one of my ribs will get sharp pains and feel like it has cracked or it will have a dull ache for hours at a time without anything even touching it…

So I went to St. Joe’s ER last night and had them look at it all.. They weren’t at all concerned about my generally feeling ill and nauseous so much as the rash that covers my body from toe to scalp. Truth is they had no clue as to what to diagnose me as… So they concluded that it was “dermatitis” (which is a fancy word for “rash”) and sent me home with a few prescriptions for anti inflammitories and benedryl for itching… I am also to see a dermatologist ASAP so I have an Appointment for Thursday… Hopefully they will be able to figure it all out then… I pray it is not too serious.

I also need to quit my job. When they hired me they told me it was a M-F 9-6 job that also required 2 Saturdays a month… However in reality I am driving a shit ton and my car is taking a beating for it, I am not getting paid even remotely adequate for gas, and I am working 10-12 hours for only 8 hours a day. I cannot do this and I cannot find another Job while doing this, so I have to quit… I mean this job has me literally losing my hair!!!!

So yeah, as it stands I am looking at unemployment in the eye, I need to find a new place for me and Moses to live, (although that is somewhat handled… ) and I still don’t know what is wrong with me… on the plus side? I have Jason, and I love him, and he loves me and takes such good care of me… He’s a real source of strength and wonder for me… it’s amazing!

If I were to regularly update my blog, how often would you read it?

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