Monthly Archives: December 2009

The truth is out; I love him…


So yesterday I had one of those overbearing feelings of dread… like something horrible happened or something… I had to see David (aka Spyder). I needed to know he was okay and well just to feel better which seeing his face does to me. Anyways when I txted him a message saying I was having a “feeling” he jumped right online to help me through it… no questions. He wanted to be there for me.

He’s always been there in those moments… from the moment I met him… it’s glorious… So I went through all of those crazy thoughts in my head; My father’s suicide… in front of me… How talking with him has uprooted my feelings that existed for him back in the day… How my ex lied, cheated, stole, and abused me… but none of that was it… nor was it my fear of his rejection when he finally does see me again soon… maybe Christmas, maybe my PTSD acting up…

Then he said somethins extrodinary….

look, we have a looooooooooooong history. we are gonna start at the bottom and work our way up. to slowly ease into this. which i feel could be…well, it could be it. yoou could be the one. i never wanna hurt you. sometimes it does happen unknowingly. and i wanna do my best to make sure you never frown. things are gonna happen, good or bad, it’s a matter of how you see them through. i’ve always loved you and thought of you as family. now, a different kind, heehee. but i will always ALWAYS be there for you as a friend and would never want to jeopardize that. and as for your father, i might be outta place, i understand what happened to you was VERY tramatic, VERY. but don’t hold onto what happened for something to push others away or to make yourself sink deeper. it’s like when I lost Riley … you learn from it and carry that knowledge with you your whole life. never look back on loved ones and their actions as something to be feared or hated … carry love in your heart always, you know very well, better than most, that shit really happens, in abundance, and i wanna be the one to help you through it … you gotta live for the now and the future, never the past … [Y]ou are beautiful, inside and out

This man is amazing… I love him… and I told him, and relief came; and so here it is… a young, old love… It’s special… like it was with Noah… that deeper feeling.. but maybe because it is so new??? -ish??? I mean I have always loved him as a friend… but it’s much more complicated than that now…. I have this feeling… like he is the one…. my someone just for me… Maybe I had to go through all my knocks to get this… it’s glorious… Now to just survive the military and long distance…. I think we will do okay… We just have to worry about time… and find out who each of us has and is becoming…

He’s more amazing than ever but i am also trying to keep my head out of the stars…

I’ve been thinking a lot… (a letter to Noah)


I would be nothing of who I am right now without you… Yet strangely enough one of my best friends from High school and beyond has come along and I think it’ll work… even if it is long distance while we’re in the military… (yeah I am going back… It’s unfinished business now…)

We would’ve been great together; and I know we would have made it work… we could have been happy too. I am fairly confdent in that; and with that I will always love you… and you will always be the father of my first child… Nothing will change that. We loved it that much I know… For the first time since we lost our baby i am pretty sure I am going to be okay. I still wish I had tried harder for us and didn’t run; but I think that fate decided it had something different in store for us when I did.

I know you are doing good for yourself and you’re gonna be okay; but if you EVER need me I am here… there’s that bond we share that can’t be destroyed… circumstances don’t allow a close friendship so much; but you will always be in my thoughts and in my heart.

I am getting an orchid on my ankle for our baby. I want you to know. It’s not fair we lost it. there is nothing fair about it…. and the bond that child made from me to you will ever keep you tied to me; but please, do me a favor and make sure you are happy; find yourself the right girl if you find you aren’t already with her… (I think you just might be…) and make lots of little noahs…. the world needs more of you in it.

We never talked about losing it though; not really. I think we should have; maybe we still should… either way I will always be here for you… no matter the circumstance, no matter where I am, I will do whatever I can to help you… And plus; I still owe you and dusty a beer.

I hope this letter isn’t overwhelming; the content isn’t very light… but I needed to get it off my chest. I’m forever bonded to you in some special way and I know that I want you happy…

Best wishes Noah; my forever friend.