What was I thinking???


I keep dreaming of Noah… The dreams increased while I was at boot camp…. He always saved me…. even though we were thousands of miles apart — even though we weren’t in contact… even tough we’ve been broken up for over a year now…. he was my everything and I just walked away from it…. Now I am stepping into the same trapped situation I seemed to have with Noah — except I don’t think I really do love brad whereas I really do love Noah… even still.

But I feel like I owe Brad something; he sat up and wrote me almost daily. We both didn’t expect anything to come from innocent letters… but the story wee have is so romantic… so fantastic… but now that the fairytale is settling down into the humdrum of everyday that feeling is fading away with the fantasy.

Brad did lie to me about his age… I am away from everyone I have ever known. I miss my life; my shows, everything… Even my family which is something I haven’t been known for being apart…. I do like brad’s family; but that’s not enough to stick around is it? I half want to write Noah a big letter explaining everything that I have been thinking as to my feelings for him… I feel like I am cheating on him by being in another relationship especially one that just means a comfortable future for me… but at the same time I feel like Brad is trying to change me into someone I am not.

He’s Conservative Republican I am not. I was raised by conservative republicans but I am truly independent… I don’t give a damn about party affiliations and whatnot… I just want what I feel is right for this country… I am religious — but I don’t wear it on my sleeve whereas Brad wants us to get together find a church and parade it all… I never truly fit into the whole church Ideals… I don’t think I can do it…. I dress rockabilly and he pushes me towards conservative T-shirts, jeans and chucks. At first he liked my jacket (if you know me mundanely you know my jacket well — I never take it off really) but now he complains about it every time he sees it… Does he realize that is like a piece of me?

I realize now that the things I resisted so strongly when I was with Noah when we were together are now endlessly the foundations of who I am… And now Brad is trying to take those foundations away and turn me into another Californian drone…. I don’t know if I can do it… but he already signed a promissory note for an apartment lease and dropped $500 to get the apartment…

yeah I think we have rushed things… but shouldn’t a 40 year old man (Yes Brad is 40 believe it or not — he lied about his age in the first place) have his own place… he said he was saving money to buy a place but seriously who can accept that??? for themselves? I can’t… but I might have to bite the bullet and go back to mom’s for a while… what a mistake it appears I have made… maybe I should write Noah that letter.

To be honest if I thought that there was any chance to have a life with him I would buy a plane ticket tomorrow… but He has Megan…. which just makes me sick… he made it sound like she didn’t treat him or his loved ones well… but I can’t honestly say I treated him well either. I have changed… I know it. I have learned so much about myself and the world around me. I am ready to settle down for that life… I want to be his shining light… but if there is no hope for him and me I might as well settle for this life here with Brad… Maybe Brad can join up with my life…. maybe there is hope…. That is if there is no hope in the place where I feel I really belong… with Noah…. I am such a fool!!!


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