I am sick from losing him.. forever grateful that I came up to send him on his way… Forever grateful I did get the opportunity to get to know him as well as I did… but we were far from done… we’d barely just begun… I still have a number of tasks he has given me…. one of them was to make my green belt… I was supposed to do that while I was stationed off somewhere or something… and then he wanted me to sit vigil the night he officially presented it to me…. People say this ‘junior apprentice’ crap around me… but all he ever said to me about my ‘title’ was that i was another of his apprentices… he taught me a lot about fealty and has been the only man I have sworn any to… he made a point of assuring that I understood what i was taking on by becoming his apprentice and it became a very personal endeavor… As i was going into the military he made me a sword (although I doubt I will get it now… he probably never finished) it was to be his one gift to me…. everything else I would work on personally… Everyone always said he was mad mad mad crazy mad… but even through the ADD he had a method to his madness… before I left for boot Misch made me promise that I will seek guidance of the masters along my way… and he’d still help from afar and whenever I visited home… his being in the military before helped him to understand my upcoming circumstance. He was my greatest gift… and I now sit here rather in-consolable…
My question is — what is an apprentice/squire/protege supposed to do when they lose their master/knight/pelican? I am quite lost right now… should I still make my green belt as originally planned? shall I place the placards on it as originally planned? I vowed to Mischka while he lay on his deathbed that I will complete all the tasks he gave me… but is there something about how I should deal with the belt thing in that it was never presented (mainly because it was never made)?
Should I be worried about societal appropriateness now? it’s never worried me much before… I do not see myself to stop mourning anytime soon…. completing those tasks given will definitely be a part of the process…
I am so sick….
Yeah so this will have to be a short one.. lightning fast… well planned out and that is about it… so If I don’t get to seeing you I am sorry I will try to get up again when things are more settled… life’s a bit crazy right now… FYI!
I am flying in tomorrow… Mischka had a motorcycle accident and Brad and I are flying up tomorrow… Brad is behaving himself wonderfully since I told him I was leaving in efforts to keep me close… so yeah he gets a 2nd chance for now… things are like they should be…
Yeah…. I’ll see people when I can.
Double J from the Atomic Outlaws offered a ride home as his band will be in Hollywood on June. 9th… sounds like a plan to me… Brad and I just aren’t the right kind of match I want to have for the great of my life…. I love the idea of him.. but the real him I am here with isn’t what I want out of life… consequently I am coming home… So I need a home and a Job… It’s funny how all the friends that stepped up while I have been gone never change…. it’s good…. I’m sure I can find something when I get home… I know I burnt my bridges at Warmoth…. so I will have to find something else….
Just talking with the people I love and care about makes me feel better… being honest with them… Not that I live a life of lies or deceit…. Never…. but there are those who you genuinely give a shit about… and they may not know it… or they might… but you feel like you can bare so much more to them… that you would do anything for them… If I have given you the address to this journal, then you are one of those people… and that means I miss you…. sooo much!!! For those that respond to my secret musings…. You really make me feel loved and adored… Thanks!!! You will forever remain a part of me and I can’t wait to visit….
PS: Georgia is all right… but there was nothing more beautiful than feeling the plane take flight from the runway in Savannah…. hehe…. The song I am listening to made me think of it….
So I kinda admitted to Noah I’m not over him completely… I don’t know the wisdom of that move… I feel sick today…. *sigh* and I am waiting for a call about a job… why am I always sick down here??? maybe I am allergic to something….
I keep dreaming of Noah… The dreams increased while I was at boot camp…. He always saved me…. even though we were thousands of miles apart — even though we weren’t in contact… even tough we’ve been broken up for over a year now…. he was my everything and I just walked away from it…. Now I am stepping into the same trapped situation I seemed to have with Noah — except I don’t think I really do love brad whereas I really do love Noah… even still.
But I feel like I owe Brad something; he sat up and wrote me almost daily. We both didn’t expect anything to come from innocent letters… but the story wee have is so romantic… so fantastic… but now that the fairytale is settling down into the humdrum of everyday that feeling is fading away with the fantasy.
Brad did lie to me about his age… I am away from everyone I have ever known. I miss my life; my shows, everything… Even my family which is something I haven’t been known for being apart…. I do like brad’s family; but that’s not enough to stick around is it? I half want to write Noah a big letter explaining everything that I have been thinking as to my feelings for him… I feel like I am cheating on him by being in another relationship especially one that just means a comfortable future for me… but at the same time I feel like Brad is trying to change me into someone I am not.
He’s Conservative Republican I am not. I was raised by conservative republicans but I am truly independent… I don’t give a damn about party affiliations and whatnot… I just want what I feel is right for this country… I am religious — but I don’t wear it on my sleeve whereas Brad wants us to get together find a church and parade it all… I never truly fit into the whole church Ideals… I don’t think I can do it…. I dress rockabilly and he pushes me towards conservative T-shirts, jeans and chucks. At first he liked my jacket (if you know me mundanely you know my jacket well — I never take it off really) but now he complains about it every time he sees it… Does he realize that is like a piece of me?
I realize now that the things I resisted so strongly when I was with Noah when we were together are now endlessly the foundations of who I am… And now Brad is trying to take those foundations away and turn me into another Californian drone…. I don’t know if I can do it… but he already signed a promissory note for an apartment lease and dropped $500 to get the apartment…
yeah I think we have rushed things… but shouldn’t a 40 year old man (Yes Brad is 40 believe it or not — he lied about his age in the first place) have his own place… he said he was saving money to buy a place but seriously who can accept that??? for themselves? I can’t… but I might have to bite the bullet and go back to mom’s for a while… what a mistake it appears I have made… maybe I should write Noah that letter.
To be honest if I thought that there was any chance to have a life with him I would buy a plane ticket tomorrow… but He has Megan…. which just makes me sick… he made it sound like she didn’t treat him or his loved ones well… but I can’t honestly say I treated him well either. I have changed… I know it. I have learned so much about myself and the world around me. I am ready to settle down for that life… I want to be his shining light… but if there is no hope for him and me I might as well settle for this life here with Brad… Maybe Brad can join up with my life…. maybe there is hope…. That is if there is no hope in the place where I feel I really belong… with Noah…. I am such a fool!!!
I guess I was bottling up some aggression because last night while laying in bed trying to sleep I was awake an burdened to thinking about whether putting up with all Brad’s stuff is worth it… I got to thinking I was going to write all my people up North to see if I could get some crash space until I got on my feet again given that I have been investing everything I have in a life down here…. Then I started to think about all of my past serious relationships and I realized that this one is no different in many ways that they were perfect in others… The great source of my dissension is that I am in a completely unfamiliar environment…
This morning Brad woke up early… and consequently so did I… except I was up to two AM thinking (although he wouldn’t have known it…. It was hot in the hotel room…. so I was boiling (aside from the fact that I am still getting rid of my fever I have had for the last few days) which is very unusual for me… usually I am freezing… so yeah…. But any ways I woke up early and Brad asked me what my pet peeves are and why I have been so frustrated lately… (he noticed — good sign) So after talking for a bit about all of the stuff that has been going on, he called me out on a lot of my bullshit and I explained how I fight fire with fire… so yeah… things calmed down a lot… we just needed to talk about the things that make us all crazy… like Brad thinks I am too loud… I’m not so sure I can or want to change that… I like who I am and how I am not scared to voice my opinion… Brad gets embarrassed if I joke about fat people but then he says he doesn’t want Obama to be president because he’s black….. I’m not too into Obama (or any of the other candidates) are that great…. but at the same time I don’t consider him disqualified because he’s not white… I mean WTF?!? I don’t know if I can deal with that. Then the great childbirth debate came up again… he asked me if I want a natural childbirth because of my “freaky hippie Viking” stuff I quote… What the fuck?! I have made a strong point about how passionate I am about my reenactment and he goes of and calls me a fucking hippie!!! Now tell me how that is not offensive??? If his attitude doesn’t change on that one I am gone… Worst place I can end up is in my mommy’s loft until I can afford a place again…. (God… I would almost rather die!!!) Although Sven and Anne have always offered up their camper when the hard times come….
Have I fooled myself into loving a man that does not exist outside of an immensely romantic fairy tale? Wouldn’t be the first time…
Oh piss…. this stupid Internet connection is driving me crazy!!!
So my amazing little sister came up with this great idea of having a livejournal account so that we can post a more private sort of journal… one where the viewers can be more controlled than our Myspace pages… and with less drama when we block an entry… So yeah I think it’s a good idea for me too…
Truth is I just wrote an entry and lost it because I am living in a hotel with a crappy WIFI connection until Brad finds us an apartment… been here for about a month almost… it’s a cheap hotel; but I could really enjoy a home cooked meal or two… and it couldn’t hurt our financial status… Brad says he wants to propose; but then I have my doubts about a significant future because he’ll say or do something that royally pisses me off… like tell me that I will be having our babies in a hospital. He has good intentions for this all, but really, this is too much – I would rather have my babies at home with a midwife than strap my feet into some cold surgical steel stirrups in a dirty hospital where they don’t give a rat’s damn about you unless you pay through the nose… I could go on but what is the point… I guess I could make some concessions if I must; but honestly I would like to have as natural a pregnancy and childbirth as possible… I/e eat decent organic foods and not be doped up while giving birth… I know it’ll hurt but people did it for thousands of years without hospitals; why can’t it be all right now?
And of course there are other frustrations that offend… like how he doesn’t clean up his mess when he shaves… hair in the sink and water all over the counter… I have told him numerous times but he doesn’t realize how much it drives me crazy… I don’t clean it all up out of love… it’s out of disgust for the filth… I know I have never been known to be a neat-freak; but there are points where I get crazy… grrack!
I do love him but I question my wisdom of throwing my whole life away here for him… I did that for Noah and found that to be a horrible mistake… I then left hoping he would follow me; but he did not… I guess we were never meant to be; but I do find myself thinking of him… at least when we were together I had only given up parts of my life… not all of it… Now I have no rockabilly, no guitar building, no SCA, no Viking household, no friends, nothing. I have a Myspace account and a hotel room… and hopefully a job soon enough…. if that one didn’t get too blown… *Sigh* if I just made a friend or two here that could make all of the difference… like if Brad has any and could introduce me to some… but I have my doubts — he is just like my dad and just as much of a workaholic… so I think I need to find some shows for us and whatnot… *Sigh* Life is so much more complicated than it seems.