Nervous and Shaky…

Standard

So I’m sweating… nervous and shaky… I know I need to take the goddamn pills… I’ll never make it through the dentist like this….. feeling false pains that I don’t know are there.. trying to find an excuse… any excuse.. I don’t want to fall down again… not into that trap… feeling the edge of the blade that cut me so very many times… The haze I left behind me seven years ago seems all too close now… I almost called for more… I really did… halfway dialed the numbers and stopped… I think I’ll need help this time.. I am not as strong as I was last time… I don’t want to fall down now… I can’t fall back into tat trap… It’ll start with the pills… and the huffing.. just like it did then… and then it’ll get worse.. I’m sure Jeremy’s still into it… He’s gotto be… I can’t imagine him not being… 4 days of high… No matter who told me what was right I knew it was too much for me… I kept taking them and taking them… Threw the bottle away… but its still haunting me.. I don’t have dad to save me now… not this time… I don’t have him staying up with me “watching movies” or “going out to dinner” if anyone knew what his trust did for me… if anyone knew at all…. and yet I am struggling.. Maybe I need NA this time… after all Jeremy did… and Dad went to AA every once in a while… maybe it’s just my turn… but what if I bump into Jolen… Do I want him knowing that side to me? I’m getting that earache I used to get…back in the day… the one only a high could get rid of… does anyone else have that???

Why did I lie to everyone today? Even Jack… he’d understand… he’s been there… I know I didn’t want to burden Jolen…. he’s got that kid getting off heroin… I’m not that bad off… what if I go and they all look at me like I am nuts??? naw there’s people who have been in and out for years…. NO it’s not that simple… not at all… the fucking cold sweat… trying to hide the chills by saying it’s hot… I know what is happening to me…. I’m still coming down..

Everyone was saying “lucky you” when they heard I was on Vicodin… Yes I needed it.,.. the pain was horrible… but was it really that bad??? I think I was just impatient… or was a secretly hoping for a few days to escape??? I don’t fucking know… but who do I go to? jack endears me so… Jeremy…. I can’t do that to him… I am the good kid…. I’m always the good kid!!! DON’T THEY KNOW THAT’S WHAT BROUGHT ME TO THEM IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE?!?!?! Maybe I can look up a meeting… drag another person too and hide behind them…. no can’t do that… they make you admit it… where the fuck will I find help now??? I so badly want to impress Jolen… Why am I so concerned with that…. I’ve been fine playing my little game of life thus far… what’s the big change now???? What makes Jolen so special… I know it’s not just the looks… I’ve never been that into the looks…. Even tough he’s damn sexy… His smile? yes it warms me to the core… but no… his kiss? I lose myself in the moment… but I really didn’t fall until he showed me his coins and his love for his daddy… there’s something special about a guy who admits his faults… and loves his daddy… maybe in him I saw my real self… Dad was my world… I did everything for him because he was the only one that ever noticed…. Fucking cold sweat… and I am thinking like a tweaker looking for my next fix…. I probably shouldn’t take the pills… but they are prescribed… and It’s only for a dentist appt…. maybe I can be brave…. But remember the fear? crying during the consultation…. just this once get over the initial fear…. Jack and Jeff both said it’s okay… right on…. just this once… and then we’ll see how we’re doing….

I won’t go back. I need help… I will look up the meetings once this dental nightmare is over… I will confide in myself… this is really helping… I don’t have daddy this time… I really do need the help… oh god I can’t believe it… 7 years… almost gone…. and a stupid toothache brings me back to wanting…. maybe I will call Gunny and have a chat with him… Maybe he’ll help me out… Maybe I should go to meetings…. I think I should call Gunny first… I think I am losing it….

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About KD Williams

Kára Agnarsdóttir (aka Kirstina D. Williams) hails from Seattle, WA. She is very passionate about a number of topics including archaeology, costuming, spinning, nålbinding, knitting, crochet, travel, history, and photography. She has been a member of the Glamfolk since 2002 and is currently in school working towards bachelor's degrees in both Scandinavian Studies and Anthropology.

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